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When I am focus, I tend to make lists; no more than 3 things at a time, that is how I keep my eyes on the ball, I learned this from a co-worker early on in my adulthood: I call these lists “Working On” and they are usually around my desk, or the calendar on the fridge. This helps me remind myself of the goals in my good days and bad days, it helps me figure out road blockers as I go, because I know where I am going, it gives me a vision. I recently learned that I do the same with my emotions, I take an emotion at a time, wrestle with it until I know where it is coming from and how to fix it; the thing is, I have not learned what to do when I can’t fix it; and so, I get stuck on the feeling of not knowing.

The journey of healing has lots of good and bad days; it has horrible days where you want to go under the blanket and not get off bed because you are so unstable you might double text someone you miss terribly. Then you got songs like “heartbreak anniversary” and so you start a concert on your bed, while completing life, contemplating love, but wait because once “Trigger” comes up, you get up on your bed and start feeling emotionally gangster, so you text because what would be worse than a ‘no reply’? healing is not good days only, healing is beautiful but so ugly, people tend to talk about the beauty of it, the after math, the part where you are happy and glowing up; but for me the ugliest part of healing are the parts that made me better, the bad days, the days I closed my laptop and felt so emotionally exhausted that I went straight to bed, the days that I didn’t eat because my anxiety was kicking my butt: or the days that I woke up so angry, I couldn’t even be myself.

Understanding how I work, what triggers me, what knocks me off balance has been one of the most inconsistent learnings, healing as I often say, is like an onion; the thing about peeling an onion is that each layer requires your intense attention, so once you are ready to get started on peeling another layer, the triggers hit you like bricks and you lose the balance that you just gained while working on the last layer; I hope that wasn’t a riddle. The frustration that this process builds can sometimes come off as impossible, but I trust the process and I know that though I will never be done peeling my onion, because I will continue to grow, I will eventually learn how to balance.

One of the most persistent feelings I’ve come familiar with, is the feeling of disappointment; after a bad day, bad conversation or something happening that leaves me confuse I tend to want to patch it right away, not in the sense of blocking it out but in the sense of ‘doing’ something to change the feeling; sex is such a big factor with this, because though sex is not always the end result, attention seeking is primal, and when I get that attention I feel better about the disappointment, how toxic is that? Now I am not punching myself, or bullying my own, I am being accountable for my actions and those actions are immature, so yes, I had a disappointing moment which led to making calls, and sending texts to someone who had me blocked, did I feel better? No, not at all, I did however fell asleep crying on my birthday. I was hurt.

For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have an excuse, those bad days are usually ended with wine, too much to be honest and I start to miss things I have no business missing and so I wake up the next morning regretting every ounce of wine, and clearing out the bottles because I am so upset; this time I woke up and I felt the immediate feeling of foolishness and so as I made my coffee and stood in the middle of my kitchen I said out loud “ you didn’t drink, those emotions were driven by your own need “ and that hit me so hard, that I promised myself that I would be gentle with myself on good and bad days, that I would be patient with myself, that I would be fair with my heart.

See, I had to step off my high horse and really be vulnerable with myself and where I am in this journey, all of my entries speak about past experiences, well this is my current reality; I am heartbroken, I miss people I shouldn’t miss and though I am healing and making a conscious decision to move on, some days break me down, some days make me smile and dance, some days I am reminded of intimate moments and then some days my brain is free of memories, being vulnerable with self is hard, actually the hardest thing to do in the midst of healing, because when you are working through hurt, we tend to take short cuts, who wants to sit there and hurt, but it takes vulnerability to sit there and be honest with self about where we at.

I am picking up my pride and keeping myself accountable for good days, bad days and all days in between because I love myself enough to continue to walk in heels, through right now my feet are killing me, though right now I am tired, I am not going to stop because I know where I am headed; I know that there is love waiting for me, I know there is emotion waiting for me, I know there is happiness waiting for me. I know that the day I get to take off these heels and get into some converse I’ll be doing so because I did the work.

XOXO

Lucy