Damn, Is it me?

It took me a long time to grief my first love; maybe because she never left.

I was just telling a friend " ... get excited to meet the next version of yourself " in this journey, one thing that is more constant than pain, is change: as soon as you start to get use to yourself, a new version becomes available, and before you understand the upgrade, your outer world begins to shift.

I used to wish there was an explanation, a clear reason I could blame for leaving my marriage, that would make sense to her, help her heal, help her understand that she did nothing wrong; but as the years keep flying by, no explanation, no reason is enough to undo the curse I spoke upon her life, when I walked out of our perfect world.

As I begin to open up to different connections, I find myself off balance; I find myself in this weird scenario where I am uncertain about how to treat her, I feel the need to protect her feelings, and that sometimes means that I ignore everyone else; because it feels like cheating.

I've been more than transparent with where I stand, countless conversations about the past, and where we are today; I am scared to fall in love because I am scared to hurt her again.

I've sabotaged plenty of connections and that's not to say that those connections were the ones, that's to say that I've cheated myself out of finding out because of the need to control life; I am realizing now that, it might not be today, tomorrow , maybe not even this year but it will happen: I'll fall in love with someone, and she'll have to deal with the feelings that might surface, and vice versa.

I've been so busy working on myself that I've forgotten that my refusal to let go, is the reason she is still hoping, and it makes me cry that there is no other way but to accept that she can't be my best friend, because to her, I am still her wife.

I've been selfish, I've been "protecting her" only to keep hiding, my want for love is not as strong as my want to hide the ugly my heart holds, since I hurt the one person I've ever loved. The guilt to had being able to torture someone I loved lives in the darkest corners of who I've become, I didn't only betrayed myself but I also betrayed the one who loved me scars and all; How do you trust your love after it betrayed you?

I wrote about Trust and Truth, and part of those is Acceptance; accepting that things happened the way they were meant to happened, and nothing you say or do to revert back to those acts will make a difference, accepting that I hurt her and that I left her alone when she needed me the most, understanding that me restricting myself, cutting my blessings to protect her will never undo the hurt I caused.

Acceptance together with Compassion because I am not who I was, there was no way I could've prevented a course of life to happen, even if I stood in the marriage, I am sure Universe would've found a way for us to learn all the lessons we've learned in the last 5 years individually. Accepting that my decisions were base on immaturity, in all the things I lacked, being compassionate to self because in my heart, I know I never intended to hurt her, I never intended her to be my stepping stone into this journey; accepting that her love gave me life, while my love gave her strength.

XOXO

Lucy