Damn, Cutting Ties.

I am not saying I was in a tower waiting for the day where my prince would come and rescue me, more so, I was doing the rescuing my damn self.

When you start learning about a subject you first find all there is on the surface of it, kinda like the tip of the iceberg, deeper into the subject matter, you start to connect the dots in a sense, and that's when you realize that there is way more to it than anyone has ever written or researched.

After a few years of turmoil, pain and scenarios that rebuilt my entire being, I am finally walking on the other side of restriction; when I started this journey, I remember reading about all sorts of phases, all sorts of directions where I might end up; I never read about getting off the isolation road, I never read about loosing friendships and how hard letting go of energy truly is, in all, there are billions of people in this planet and probably millions are going through some sort of awakening, millions of people that are reading and researching their thoughts, their symptoms, the way their body is now evolving, what they all have in common is that they are ignorant to the secret of a village; our journeys are all fraternal.

In many instances I've ran to the Spiritual world, for instance I fed to a year long obsession with tarot readings; I mean all day, everyday, needing that dose of "guidance", believing that Universe, was awakening someone else in regards to love: it was horrible FYI, the waiting, the pretending, the restricting your self in every department because you followed every weekly reading.

A year long obsession that closed me up so tight, that I didn't even have access myself; a psychiatric cell where silence would become my best friend, past a stepping stone and the future a colleague. It was during this phase of my healing journey that entertaining meaningless connections and decisions became the trend, and it lasted a while but I am short tempered, and as everything else started to fall apart, as fear kept me quiet and scared; I began to look for a way out, in the midst of my desperation I found myself in a basement full of boxes, labeled boxes, a dark room full of boxes; it took me forever to open the door to this basement, it took me longer to open the first box: these boxes were experiences, emotions, life that had been stored in a box, in this room without ever even been process.

I started to realize that a lot of the boxes made a subject, and connecting the dots helped me understand a lot about those experiences, emotions and life. The basement started to become empty much quicker than I anticipated, and as the basement de-cluttered so did my life, each box was updating, remodeling, exit left'n , blocking, disconnecting, un-programming, my self conscious slowly, very slowly started to change.

I remember the first time I felt the lock turn, I stood faithfully on my intuition and when it was proven right, again and again, I realized intuition was me, opening the lock to the psychiatric cell. Intuition rebuilt the trust I had broken with myself, the self awareness that was my favorite window; it was like I was for the first time, driving my own car.

Trust opened up so many boxes, Trust, kicked my ass on trivia, on feelings and even decisions I was dealing with and though a rough pass, without Trust I wouldn't have met the most beautiful 6 year old I've ever met in my life; Lil Lucy. Trusting myself was critical for the next phase, trusting before understanding was a painful moment in time, but the most necessary, seeing how Universe aligned Truth in my life with everyone in it, with everything, with everywhere: Truth was like an open wifi network. people, places and things started falling from my life without diagnostic, they were removed, they were simply discarded. I even saw Truth from total strangers, in the most aligning way, if it was a decision or a feeling, the alignment of connecting with a stranger left me thinking and opening more boxes, unrolling the Truth in all of the subjects, Trust needed it's Truth to create anew. Rebuilding with Trust and Truth was hard but rebuilding with Love has been the most difficult, accepting Love for Truth is chaotic, a lot of Truth is Tequila no chaser, straight to the point, Truth has had me looking at myself in the mirror twisted in my own disgust, Truth has strip me and so Love, looks and feel different.

Now Love, introduces itself differently, it sounds different, everything about the way Love makes me sit and reflect about the Trust I have in my self, in my own Truth.

Love, meets other Love's, all Love's are different; there are Love's that are pretending, there are Love's that are hurting, and so they hurt other Loves, there are Love's that are in a psychiatric cell and so they are unavailable: in all, Love acquaints lots of places and faces, often, but Love is still in a healing phase and so the only Love that makes sense is an unavailable Love, the kind where it comes and goes, where it never asks too many questions, where being vulnerable is not a demand. This is the fraternal part of my journey, my childhood left Love at 6 years old, and so Lil Lucy nor myself know how to understand, Love.

Self Love and Love are not the same, Trust and Truth helps Self Love grow and shine through, Love it's terrify at the sight of emotions. Opening up to to someone is the scariest thing on Earth, it brings a gate flood of the unopened boxes and it makes you run for the hills. I wish I could stay and swim for a while.

XOXO

Lucy