Consistency isn't real, is it?

Sleeping is such a huge deal for me. I sleep just fine, but I tend to oversleep when I sleep. I sleep for around 12 hours a day/night. Now, this would be fine, if I slept around 10/11pm, woke up around 8/9am. That is a good amount of sleep, since we humans only need 8 hours of sleep.

I keep thinking that I NEED to sleep at night, so I can be productive during the day. So, when I mess that up, and I wake up past noon (which happens weekly), I get so depressed and anxious. Now its past 5, everything is closed, and I can't make any phone calls or go anywhere I need to go.

I also...procrastinate. Too much.

Oh, I finished a school assignment. I get to play video games now.

Ohhhh okay, all school work is done this week, video games and movies now.

Yet, not a single phone call was made that week...

I have so many calls to make. I am moving soon, to a state where I will have no health insurance. I need to make an eye appointment, doctor appointment, psychiatrist appointment, therapist appointment, dentist appointment, an appointment for my feet and shoes because I need soles for my shoes...I haven't gotten them since I was in middle school. This has been months of me telling myself that I need to make all these phone calls.

I am for sure, consistent with my procrastinating.

I am consistent with my inconsistency of not being consistent.

I consistently cycle through my sleep schedule.

It takes about a month, I've noticed. I wake up at 7am, I go to sleep at 6pm. I wake up at 5am, I go to sleep at 4pm. I wake up at 11pm, I go to sleep at 9am. It is never consistent, yet, I cycle through every month from being awake all day, to being awake all night, to waking up when the whole house is getting ready for work in the morning, to going to bed when everyone is eating dinner still.

I need to stop getting angry at myself for not being just like everyone else. I don't work, my school is all online, I have a full week to get all my work done and it can be turned in at any time before the due date. I have no appointments to go too....I don't drive.

This is not all by choice, of course. When I move, I plan to get my permit within the first month of me moving. Things are just hard in the state that I am in, and expensive. 40 dollars here for a permit test and permit cost 25 dollars, and it is 2 dollars total where I am moving. Yeah, pass on paying 40 bucks to fail again.

With Covid, I have no job. So, it has been a year of me just collecting stimulus checks and finding small side jobs. What else do I have to do?

Why do I feel so LAZY?

Why don't I feel relaxed? Because I'm BROKE.

I would be relaxed if I had money for my phone bill. I would be relaxed if I already had a place to live. I would be relaxed if I didn't have to pay a cat rent fee so my friend can watch my cats for me because I have no home...yet. I would be more relaxed...if I had the money to pay the cat rent fee, too..

Inconsistency would not matter, if I just had some money and something to do. Hence...blogging. It is 6pm, I woke up around 3/4pm. I am still drinking my coffee, and procrastinating on my last week of work for this term, because it is intense and my brain does not want to learn right now.

What is consistency? Is it doing the same thing every day? That would be a routine. That would be a schedule.

Can a person simply be unable to be consistent? Why?

I figured it out. I need chaos in my life. Happy chaos will do, but sometimes, I do not have that, and I need to create my own.

Happy chaos can involve things like...taking a late night drive and stealing pumpkins from your opposed Politian supporters yards. That is fun and still legal, since people put them right there on the side of the road. Yet...it still feels, naughty.

Happy chaos can involve spending an entire 15 hours of the nighttime, playing video games with your favorite person. Which is usually what starts my nighttime cycle of awokeness. Yes, I know that is not a word. It is now.

Everyone that is experiencing inconstancy right now, and feeling bad about it, don't. Find some happy chaos. Awake all night? Beat that video game you have been wanting to beat for years. Finish your school work. Organize your room. Read a book. Cry to a lot of sad music you haven't listened too since high school. Experience something epic.

I am tired of procrastinating, but, one phone call a week, is a good goal for me.

I NEED happy chaos though. To fully enjoy and experience my life of inconsistency.