Conquering Your own Darkness

In the lonely darkness I go in search for something familiar. A friend, a lover or a family member. Someone where I can release the stress I go through. Like a well I fall in wishing to find an escape. I see glimpse of light & think of ways out but at last I never moved. My darkness was always there.


Still falling I slowly feel the pain of abandonment & neglect. In the absence of self my thoughts manifest in waves. This one feeling the worst. The idea of alone comes up & shifts perspective even for a second & these thoughts arise.



At this point my mind begins to hallucinate events of malevolent sadness. I'm reminded of the time when I was little & always feeling like a pawn to someone else's victory. Not feeling worthy enough or given appreciation for what's been done.


Being older I learn to not complain, to not share to not even cry, because once given a sign of weakness it's all over. The sounds of "I knew it" rush to my ears & "it was a matter of time" surrounds my body.
Like a storm cloud of negativity hovering over me raining sadness.

Like a hurricane swallowing everything in its path, I find tools to adjust & change the perspective & mindset when it comes but sometimes even I can't control the what lies beneath. Sometimes embracing it is what's needed in order to surpass it & hopefully overcome the darkness.

Every move I make seems to pave the way to where I'm back where I didn't want to be. Always seeing darkness in the corner of my eye. Not even laughing or giving judgement because even entertaining the idea of how much I affect it wouldn't be sufficient.



So I see it & it just stares as if lying in wait for me to slip up. Waiting for me to accept the truth. The words that can sometimes haunt you to the core & even drive a person to madness.


By now I'm so far deep into this abyss of my mind. I begin to accept defeat & stop fighting. Accept the fact that I am one with the darkness. My own darkness that's apart of me. I try to escape from it to find what darkness cannot have, happiness. Escape to discover the meaning of love & pleasure. Escape to explore the true self. But at what cost? Do I lose what was once there?



No! In times of distress I am reminded of the memories of the past & the struggles that l had been through which helped made me who I am today. Now of course those to whom you are surrounded by play a big part in helping you go through this, they're not always going to be there. There's something about facing the darkness alone that builds character & promotes strength within ones self.
Kind of like a warrior who’s at the end of their quest & they have to defeat the dragon to win.

This cloud of darkness begins to crack & what I thought was a constant fall in a well then becomes an awakening. Like a remedy my emotions becomes filled with hope & confidence builds. Some euphoria of weight disperse & while some portion of darkness remain, other colors enters & a rush takes hold like I've waken up from a dream to take a deep breathe.



It's a lot more difficult then mentioned when an anchor or a foundation that left either in the mind or out the monument becomes a way to bring the mind to its center fold. A reset button if you will to reboot the mindset.
Like in the movie inception when you have an object to confirm your reality.

It's not the same for everyone and every situation & moment is different. By battling our own darkness we learn things while being exposed to parts of ourselves that we close ourselves off to. Knowing that it gets better on the other side along with our anchor, we help understand who we are.

While faced with darkness within it’s important to remember that we are not alone. Others who share the experience can provide comfort & guidence to help others & build a chain reaction. Having an anchor helps us in our times of need as well when it seems like we are fighting the dragon alone. Remember that it's only as strong as the amount of strength we give it. Just like in a dream we have the power to change the outcome.