CHANGING

August 22, 2005.

A lifetime of public education, and two years at the local community college had brought me here...

I had left the house and community of my childhood and young adulthood; and I would be "home" for the next several years of education.

I was at Grand Valley; the only campus that had ever drawn me in for a visit and, certainly, good enough to call "home." I was going to be a student at present and for the near future; I was MEANT TO BE a "Laker for a Lifetime."

The awkwardly friendly boy from South Haven had finally taken steps to be out on his own and be his own man. Maybe THIS community would learn to value and appreciate me and my eccentricities; maybe I'd learn to OUTGROW the worst social eccentricities.

"SOUTH HAVEN" ME

...Let me backtrack here; I wasn't so much IGNORED in school as I never quite fit in with one group or the other. I sat at a pretty eccentric lunch table; but others there who knew one another far better than I did were on the inside of jokes. The popular kids didn't so much ignore me; they said hi to me because I was kind enough to be the guy to greet ANYONE. "Hi" and a couple of pleasantries in a hallway/in town over the summer; that was it. From the popular GIRLS, I would call it an accomplishment to get beyond "Hi; how was your weekend?" (...or, at a school dance, getting ONE dance out of ONE girl).

Believe it or not, my peers in South Haven seemed determined to be the UNDERSTANDING party here.

Enough about South Haven (at least through Fall and Winter)! I had a NEW place and community to make my own! This time, I would BELONG no less than I treated everyone else like THEY belonged...

GV ME

My roommates at GV were pretty cool to come home to and exchange pleasantries with. I needed MORE...

Within 72 hours of arriving at Grand Valley, I got wind of a concert in the basement of our student union. I went down to hear some good music; and I met the fine folks of GVSU YoungLife/Campus Ministries.

GVSU YoungLife/Campus Ministries just seemed DIFFERENT for me (even moreso than my Confirmation group in South Haven or Lifeteen down at St. Joe). I sure did SEEM accepted by everyone that evening; all because I was determined to keep trying to put myself out there.

Lo and behold, I pretty soon had a dinner group to meet with quite frequently at the campus buffet to exchange conversations/maybe even a couple of inside jokes. At YoungLife's weekly meeting, I had people to talk to before and after. I had a "Brotherhood" of friends who I had come to find out would be there to lend me a listening ear through the trials and tribulations of college.

In speaking of college, YL/CM, and roughly 95% of the trials and tribulations that I would soon deposit on my "Brothers'" ears...

"GV" ME & GV WOMEN

Let's just put this out there; I like girls.

No; I REALLY like girls.

...I've liked girls since LONG before relating between boys and girls would have made sense to most of my Kindergarten/First Grade peers (but I repeat myself).

Jr. High and High School were NIGHTMARES for guys who look and act like I did, "hanging" with the crowd that I did, while being interested in women. My high school, like most high schools, made it quite noticeable who was paired off and who wasn't (of course, by the time that I was interested in one of my peers, and WOULDN'T LET GO of that mindset, she was long since in a relationship with someone else and I just wasn't about to do anything to mess that up).

Fast forward back to becoming "GV" me; and arriving on a campus that was roughly 65-70% attractive coeds/35-30% guys.

The averages remained the same, but shrank into a more managable microcosm in YoungLife/Campus Ministries; and the girls seemed kinder and we had a shared commonality on the surface.

SAME OLD, BRAND NEW ME.

"Young Life/Campus Ministry women LOVED to HAND OUT the welcoming embrace that an innocent guy like myself could lose himself in."

"They also weren't always so receptive about the clingy embrace being offered back to them each and every single time we met."

The open exchange of the physical embrace was a new phenomenon for me circa 2005-ish when I was first meeting my peers at Grand Valley. Women who know me well enough TODAY would never know that...

My changes upon reaching GV didn't stop with simply exchanging the warm, hearty hug with female peers or the handshake/high-five/"bro"-hug with the "Brother Lakers..."

Remember when I said that couples were obvious to identify back in high school; or that I always longed in quiet for the unattainable girl? Well; come college, you just NEVER know anymore unless you ASK.

This was my chance to TRULY make a change for the better and to correct a "single" status that had gone on for my entire life...

It started with "Hillary" (met September of 05; confessed feelings for right around Valentines Day 2006), to "Micah" (met Spring Break 07; swung for the fences with THAT conversation Spring Break 2008), to "Raquel" (met Spring Break 2006; finally broached the subject of "more-than-friendship" November 2009).

Thanks to Campus Ministries, ALL of these women and more were acquaintances, then friends, then...they meant MORE to me; and I was at a point in my life to test the waters by putting my heart out on my sleeve.

Surprise-Surprise, my intentions for anything beyond platonic were sent right back to me with a brick meant for my heart.

Shocking. I mean, what innocent, free-thinking young woman could possibly say no to...?

So, the relationship (beyond friendly relations) wasn't going to happen (and, in the case of "Hillary," she reached the point of "friendly" relations where she had to literally TELL ME that the friendly embrace was off of the table too).

My mistake. Again, I was always socially awkward around the fairer sex; the receptive openness of this batch of Campus Min Coeds didn't exactly cause me to become less awkward; just much MORE social (and visible) about my eccentricities...

In retrospect to who I was on campus, I was very fortunate to hang on to most online friendships with my "Sister Lakers" in particular; especially the likes of Micah and Raquel (both blissfully with families of their own now...)

The small miracle of even keeping Raquel as a friend to this day is really all that there is left between us...

GAME DAY

I'm not exactly what you'd call a sports fan (the outlier is U of M).

Attending Football, Basketball, and Soccer games in South Haven was about SUPPORT of my peers and fellow classmates.

The same was true at Grand Valley; except that I added attendance at Women's Volleyball to the list; and added a wig and a whole of bunch of eccentric behavior to my "gameday" persona. (Besides, I was fortunate enough to arrive at Grand Valley right around the time that the Football team was celebrating its second half of a "Decade of Dominance;" especially during regular season play. Let me tell you; it was so much fun to watch that I actually stayed for BOTH halves of 90% of football games, even if the OLD Grand Valley Football team would be enroute to a score of about 28-0 in the first half alone of the average football game back then. Oh yeah; THOSE were the days...).

So going to South Haven games was kind of fun at the time to support my classmates and see some of my peers who were amiable enough when they saw me out in public, though I would never be the guy to be intentionally invited to a get-together.

Going to Grand Valley games (as a student) was to hang out in the student section and watch a game that was all but GUARANTEED to come out successfully in most sports programs.

Going to GV games as an ALUM (same old wig; brand new sign for tailgating, and a WHOLE NEW ANTE of fan interaction that I would have NEVER done as a student) is all about my pride in my alma mater and the memories of the good times there.

...My fandom for U of M (or DISDAIN for OSU/Notre Dame/Ferris/Green Bay/New England)? ...I honestly can't answer that; but I require being at a local bar surrounded by other fans to retain most of my interest in even my vaunted U of M or (sometimes) the Red Wings.

SO HOW HAVE I CHANGED?

...I was talking to one of the women that today I'm kind of interested in (again, it'll never happen as, due to the same old vicious South Haven cycle, SHE'S in a relationship too). Anyway, we were sitting around shooting the breeze and she called ME, of all people, a "social butterfly."

Well, when a person only knows me from one of the bars, grabbing a water and soda, occasionally food, and chatting with either the staff or fellow regulars, it's very easy to call ME a "social butterfly," as that's the role that I guess I serve the most often when I know someone well enough (No; there's absolutely nothing wrong with being self-confident enough to become a "Social Butterfly." It wasn't INSULTING; just surprisingly revealing as to who I turned into and I'll even CONTINUE in that role...).

I HAVE gotten to the point of being more social, if equally as self-conscious, especially around women. Today, I'll often go out to one of the local bars after work and I'll often run into a handful of friends; even if most of them are on staff at the bar of choice right now. I'll even now go to TRIVIA once a week with an established group of friends! (I may even help with an answer or two here or there; albeit that, when I DO know an answer, I'm generally SO ECSTATIC for a chance to be of service that I have a problem keeping that answer exclusively at OUR table).

Since my college days, I even joined the "Knights of Columbus" at St. Basil Catholic Church, thereby expanding upon my circle of "Brothers" and building on THOSE friendships/relationships to help me in the long run.

If nothing else, my time at GV made me more social. It caused me to become slightly more confident in myself. It has expanded upon my personality in relating to those around me. It has taught me to care about the FRIENDSHIPS of women before investing my heart and intentions in...something that STILL isn't about to happen for me yet but we're getting there...

Thank you, GVSU community. Currently an alum (Class of '08); ALWAYS a "LAKER!"