An Untenable Grief

I've been grieving a lot lately.

I did what any young person would do at the time: I turned for help. As a young Iphone user, I turned to an APP.

A certain prayer App seemed like the place to start. I found a subcategory about "Grief" and clicked. I got a ten minute meditation against SELF grief.

Thank goodness that THIS app is in the middle of a FREE trial that I don't have to actually pay for yet.

I'm not grieving for myself right now.

I am grieving for the former campus friend whom I haven't spoken to in well over ten years now; but her husband died this weekend at a young age.

I am grieving for a friend right now who just lost her father yesterday morning after a long battle with his own health issues.

I fear for the physical health and mental health of certain family members; and long for unity between OTHER members of the family who are being treated like outcasts every time they are "graciously" invited to a dinner get-together; then find themselves as the one person at the table NOT parroting the exact same talking points when politics "accidentally" comes up for THEIR benefit as much as anyone else's.

For once, these AREN'T about MY personal grievances. The fact that I need more hours at work, would prefer better treatment over my accomplishments of self-publishing, and wish to live in a different community will always be here tomorrow. I am grieving right now for OTHERS (and chronicling about them HERE only does so much when I feel like I've vented). I am tired and I need an ANSWER as to the RIGHT way to handle this...

THE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH OF FAMILY MEMBERS

This seems like the difficult part when you're LIVING with these family members.

The physical health complications of one parent that just HAVE TO BE the focus of conversation, no matter WHAT the initial discussion was about.

The mental and emotional health of another parent that you best not even bring to light to avoid the next conflict.

This one has the easy answer (just ask a parent who has manipulated you on such topics since childhood...)

1. PRAY

2. ...If change doesn't happen IMMEDIATELY, you didn't do "STEP 1" correctly (if she's willing to believe that, at age 36, I did the first step at all).

ACTUAL answer...

1. PRAY

2. Wait.

3. ...Wait for years on end.

4. "But TRUST in HIS timing/plan, you heathen!"

I am. I am praying (please don't flag this over the "p-" word, Vocal community; I know how much that idea gives you the heebie-jeebies. THIS goes much deeper than "The P-Word.") I am waiting. I am waiting as though there's no faster way out when it's part of my current living situation.

Oh; and quibbling members of the extended family? It's my (ADULT) aunt on one side and my aunt and uncle and (obviously) ADULT parents on the other. These are GROWN UPS; THEY'LL figure it out...

Again, this is the situation that I'm familiar with; I'm living it. I have a (general) idea of what to do.

A COLLEGE ACQUAINTANCE FROM ONE SPRING BREAK TRIP (AND CURRENT FACEBOOK FRIEND) WHO JUST LOST A LOVED ONE...

I barely know this person. I have a foggy recollection that we went on a Campus Ministry Spring Break trip together at GVSU.

It doesn't change that she's in pain right now, I'm feeling for her, and I don't know how to respond.

The answer of MESSAGING her on Facebook (to apologize to a person for their loss, I will NEVER be the first to publicly write that on their wall space when there's a private message box) to say "My thoughts/prayers/condolences go out to you in your time of need" seems like a nice place to START.

I'm aware of the stigma behind the idea of "...thoughts and prayers" without action; and, when it comes to public issues, there are some instances where it's right. (By the way, when I promise to pray for someone, I definitely mean it; as that's usually my go-to when someone's hurting whether I tell them so or not. I know that that probably makes me an outlier; I'm willing to believe otherwise that maybe 80% of the people who VOCALIZE the OFFER of prayers have any intention of following through at at least one bedtime).

But is a message of "condolences/thoughts/prayers; hey, take this time and take care of yourselves and one another" nearly ENOUGH?

Can ANY words that I can formulate be enough to express the sorrow that I have FOR someone else's (very justifiable) grief?

I turned to Google to type in "Prayers for when you're grieving for someone else." It promised me "Five great prayers for..."

The "article" spat back 6 Psalm quotes and an unclickable link that said "Click here for what the article PROMISED you in the first place." Most likely a paywall. A "Praywall" if you will. Thanks; peace be with you too, webmasters/site managers.

I know that nothing that I say or do is going to alter a tragic loss for a Facebook acquaintance. Maybe right now, the bare minimum of "My thoughts/condolences/prayers...," the place to START, can be enough for the moment...

THE LOCAL FRIEND WHO LOST A LOVED ONE...

This one, I'll often visit at work; she and her husband are even on my Christmas Card list.

...What do I do when she gets BACK to Michigan and if I see her again?

When a donation was setup for her family member's medical bills when these complications FIRST arose, I gave as I could (or as a nonfamily-member, nonfriend-of-the-whole-family probably should have).

Yesterday, the absolute minimum of Messenger outreach of "...condolences/thoughts/prayers to you and yours; take care..." was the first place I went (again, when I put that out there, I follow through. In fact, I had often prayed for her family member's health since hearing of complications. My words have just changed drastically in the last couple of days).

Of course, I'll continue to visit if I see her at work. I'll let HER decide if this is a topic that should really be broached or not. If so, I still have two semifunctional-ears to listen (despite my insistence on walking with my MP3 Player). If not, smalltalk is always good too; so long as someone can be PRESENT. (I'm very good at simply sitting at the bar and shooting the breeze before I get around to my order if I know the person behind the bar well enough).

So, what IS the answer, if anything, for when you're grieving for a family member's struggles? An acquaintance? A dear friend? Maybe three at the same time ON TOP OF your own problems/concerns/petty irritations...?

*Feel free to give feedback on FB over this issue. If I'm overthinking this (that is ALSO my M.O.; for when I'm not overTHINKING, I'm generally saying something stupid/improper because I'm not thinking about it ENOUGH). If you enjoy what you read here or you too struggle over this, give a heart. If you LOVED what you read and feel that others could get something out of it too, give a share.

If nothing else, thanks for giving it a read. To a writer, obviously, reading means a great deal.*