Celebrating my Little Black Book

Date: March 1 2021

*20K MILESTONE DAY!!!*

I look into my little black notebook. I calculate the total amount for the month. A smile grew on my face. I cross off today’s date and highlight that special day to be celebrated.

One year ago…

Number, numbers numbers. Don’t get me wrong, I hate math.

“20,000k milestone to be reached by the end of the month”.

I write and highlight with my bright yellow highlighter.

Only a couple more days and I’ll reach my goal.

I lay on my bed, thinking about my next paycheck which is on the upcoming Friday. I quickly calculate in my head how much I will end up having by the end of the week. It’s like I have to constantly tell myself that I can reach my goal in order for me to actually believe it. I wonder if that ever works for anybody else… Anyway, it’s still a mystery to me, but I tell myself it works as a placebo for me to actually get things going, otherwise I’d never get anywhere, to be quite honest.

If you ask me about my history, back in 2019, I started my first full-time job. I was 19 who had no clue about the worklife; but what I did know, was that I had a vision a clear one. “20K” I told myself everyday, as I opened up my account only to be looking at a 3 digit numbers everytime.

Yeah, I was discouraged, but I had a vision. “20k Caroline… think about what you can do with that 20k”. A smile grew from my face. Knowing that I was nowhere close to that number, I still smiled knowing that as long as I put my mind to it, I could hit that goal. had hope.

Couple months in, I knew I didn’t like my job. I mean who really does.. Right?

I know I wasn’t working because I liked it. That wasn’t my vision. I was woking to reach a goal- my 20k. My only motivation to wake up at 7am everyday to commute for an hour to get to work by 9, was by telling myself that I already have the 20k. I manifest this in my head, and it helps me to believe that I will reach this goal bit faster.

Nothing comes easily. That was for sure. Yeah, I was motivated, but there were days where I just thought to myself, “what if I died today? Reaching this 20k would mean nothing to me.” Then I start to question myself all over again why I even bother to go to work knowing I don’t even enjoy it.

Soon enough, I return to my original state, telling myself my only motivation to live is because of my vision. I want to reach it, I really do. I tell myself this so I feel like I have a sole purpose of living. Sometimes I wonder, if people question the same things that I do. I wonder, if people have the same drive as me when it comes to money? Maybe I’m desperate. No, actually, I am desperate. I hate to say it, but it’s true. It’s like as if a world with no money means a world with no happiness. It’s quite depressing, I know - but that’s how I see life. That;s how I have come to see life.

I’m exposed to people on social media, living their best life and hanging out with friends and eating amazing looking food while travelling. I wonder, “How did they manage to achieve all these amazing events?”. I wonder, and I wonder again, as I continue to scroll. I quickly turn off my phone and turn to my little black notebook again. I write, “Next month, I will have about 5k saved up”.

I turn off my light, do a quick prayer, and go to bed. That was my daily routine.

Couple months go by, and I see that I’ve accumulated around 10k. “Time to celebrate!!!” I tell myself. First, I call my sister. I talk with her because she’s the only one who really gives me proper reaction that I expect. I tell her the good news and she congratulates me, and then we talk on and on about my vision. “Only 10k more to go until I reach my goal, sis!” She feeds me what I want to hear. “That’s amazing Caroline. You’re only 19 and you’ve already saved up that much money? Wow, how do you do it? Of course, I’m super excited and go on about how I feel like I had to make some sacrifices and so on. I try to stay humble, but it’s hard sometimes, especially when you feel like something you thought you could never manifest, has become real life.

I get off the phone after an hour, and quickly go back to my desk and take out my little black notebook. The pages are getting quite full; this is a good sign.

I start a new page and call it “20k milestone journey”. Time to repeat the same process as my first.

I jot down numbers,and dates. I get prepared for my next vision. “20k” I repeat to myself.

I don’t know why, but that number makes me smile. I continue writing down amounts, and days I will be getting paid and tallying up the total amount I should have by the next year.

Another year to go.

March 1 2021. 20k MILESTONE.

I wake up, feeling happier than ever. I look at the time and check the date. “PAYDAY!”

I get up from my bed, kicking my sheets. Nothing gets me more excited than the idea of money getting deposited into my account.

I login to my account and check my transactions. “TODAY IS THE DAY, I DID IT” I cheerfully tell myself. “You did it, Caroline.. You really did it”, as a tear slowly rolls down my cheek.

As dramatic as this sounds, I’ve never felt so happy. People reading this may think that I was crying because I had so much money in my account, but really, I cried, because of my endless days of putting up with work I did not enjoy, having to sacrifice time with going out with friends to even save the last cent.

Yeah, it was nice to know I had money. But it was even nicer to know that the vision I once had in mind and only written down in my little notebook, ended up becoming something true. What felt like a dream, was now a reality. What felt like a thousand miles away, was finally right in front of me. Who would’ve ever thought that such an idea would ever come true? I surely had my doubts, but I never gave up. All the sacrifices that had to be made, and all the obstacles that I had to deal with was worth it. I regret nothing. And as much as I’d like to thank myself for putting up with this all, I’d definitely have to dedicate my 20k celebration to my little black notebook. Without it, I don’t know what I would be doing with my life. My little black notebook has not only taught me that a number can really become a reality. It has also taught me to be patient.

They say good things take time, and I truly believe that my little black notebook has led me into becoming a better person; it taught me that having 20k may be exciting, but the journey that got me to reach it, was even more exciting. Some people may dream of having money given to them on a silver platter. But I don’t see the fun in that. If I learned one thing from my whole 20k milestone journey, it is to push through while embracing the process. Not everything will be easily handed to you, so don’t expect it to come easily.

People say, “don’t chase”, but I'm going to have to objectify with this one. If you want something, work hard for it and chase it. Act like you’re a mouse chasing cheese. Be the mouse and treat your money like cheese. Chase it, but instead of looking at only the cheese, focus on the journey that leads you to your cheese, aka money. The time and journey that takes you to your vision, is so much more valuable in the end. I mean, that’s how I ended up reaching my goal, if that counts as brownie points.

Anyway, I don’t know about you, but I’m thrilled to see what journey my little black notebook will take me on next.

Logging off,

Caroline