Are New Year’s Resolutions Obsolete?

When you look into the mirror of your life what is staring back? We’ve all made the resolutions, only to break them, year after year.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. ~Albert Einstein

We all agree, however, that changes are necessary. We all want to become our best self. The beginning of each year is the perfect time to plan this expanding of the self. This does not make resolutions any less insane.

I decided that this year I would apply my newly found psychological powers towards a new strategy for achieving goals for the upcoming year. I am simply going to take a set number of years, I wouldn’t recommend more than ten years to start. I will define areas of my life that I wish to concentrate on and then reflect on the regrets, what I would have done differently, things I would change if I could, and things that didn’t go as planned. This reflection will then help me decide what will become important to me in 2020.

This is what it looks like:

2011:

Relationships: My relationship in 2011 was just “weird.” I was with a narcissistic, sociopath who was also an addict/alcoholic. Upon reflection the relationship didn’t last long and he did help me to move across country so would I change it? No, no regrets only a lesson learned.

Children: I moved my children across country away from their family. I would not do anything differently and the move went better than planned.

Career: I started substitute teaching and worked in multiple schools. No regrets here as I gained invaluable experience. Wouldn’t change a thing and this lead to my career in teaching so it worked out better than I had planned.

Health: I first discovered in 2011 that I had high blood pressure. My back started hurting and this was the beginning of my health going down hill fast. I regret the food choices I made and the amount of food I consumed. Would I change anything? Yes! I would change all of my life style habits that I see contributed to my health problems!

BINGO the beginning of something important.

2012:

Relationships: My relationship in 2012 ended in September when I “got rid of the weirdness.” Again upon reflection the relationship didn’t last long and he did help me to move across country so would I change it no, no regrets only a lesson learned. One funny moment stands out however, when he left we had a pizza party in the bed every night for a week to celebrate our liberation!

Children: I worked at my children’s school all year and loved being with them all day. We lived on a 9 acre farm in the desert so we spent quality time outdoors with our chickens and dogs. I think my kids were happy overall so no regrets.

Career: I accepted a job in the computer lab at my children’s elementary school. The pay was horrible but the time I spent with my kids made it all okay. I first learned about the transition to teaching program that Grand Canyon University offers and this was the ultimate plan for my life.

Health: I ate bread with every meal not knowing that I had Celiac disease. I drank too much and my health got worse. I regret all of my food choices! BINGO moment again!

2013:

Relationships: The end of 2013 found me back with my first husband. If you knew him/us you would be horrified. I wanted closure and to make good memories so I could forget the volumes of bad ones. My kids and I were a light in his otherwise dark world. I don’t regret the last chance I gave him. I do wish I could magically change people but I can’t.

Children: My kids went to a new school. I think my younger two were happy and did well. My teenager at the time however, didn’t have enough “mommie time” and this I regret. She needed for me to be able to discuss grown up issues with her and I was stuck in treating her like a child. What would I change: You cannot have a child conversation about sex and relationships. Sex and relationships are grown up things and must be discussed as grown up things. I should have paid more attention to this and I didn’t.

BINGO another important thing!

Career: I started my master's degree in teaching at Grand Canyon University and took my first “real” teaching job. I taught 5th grade and loved every second of every day. My principal was … yeah she just “was.” I learned more from watching and listening to her than I will ever learn in college! No regrets.

Health: I started to attempt a healthy diet but didn’t go about it right as I knew nothing about what was wrong with me. My doctor put me on Xanax twice a day and even though it is a scary drug I had great results with it. For the first time ever I could sleep because it allowed my skeletal muscles to relax.

2014:

Relationships: My relationship with my ex ended in December of 2014. We had some really good moments and some really bad ones. I had days that I really had hope we were helping him. By the end of 2014, he had attempted suicide twice and I couldn’t continue to hide this from my kids so I asked him to leave. My youngest two thought for a long time I was the bad guy because they were too young to know the truth. My only regret is that my ex had to endure the childhood that turned him into the man he is.

Children: Again my kids spent most of 2014 at their new school. I took a job in July and we moved again to an Apache reservation. This is where I was absorbed into the work while getting a degree culture. I was with my children but I was not mentally engaged with my children. They had a ghost for a mother and this I regret.

BINGO again!

Career: I changed jobs and started teaching on an Apache reservation. I taught there for three years. These three years made me the woman I am today. I can look back and see things I would change but I was growing as a person as well as a teacher. The only regret I have is that I did not speak out enough. I saw and heard horrid things and was told to keep my mouth shut. I should have screamed from the mountain tops! If you don’t try to change the culture you eventually become part of the culture for better or for worse.

BINGO another important thing!

Health: My daily commute was over two hours so fast food became part of my regular diet. McDonald’s or Burger King for breakfast and usual pizza for dinner. My back progressed to the point that I lovingly called the pain and stiffness “rigor mortis.”

2015:

Relationships: I met my honey online in January of 2015. I went to meet him in person over spring break. I am a brave, tough woman I suppose? That sounds better than what family members were calling me! April 01, 2015, I leased a house off the reservation and we moved in together, after knowing each other for four months! Would I have done anything differently, NO! I have no regrets. He is perfect…. for me.

Children: The commute to and from work left my teenage daughter to her own devices for the first part of 2015. When I moved in April to make the commute less and to allow my kids to live in the same town their school was in it was too late to save her childhood. She had met a guy who seemed very polite and nice. I watched him go down into the dark hell that is meth abuse in less than a month. I ran him off my property one spring night with a 38 revolver and that was the end… until it was the beginning. My sixteen- year- old daughter delivered twins Christmas morning in 2015. I would have done everything differently but I will never regret my little Christmas angels. My daughter needed a mother and I wasn’t available.

BINGO again!

Career: I spent all of 2015 teaching my little Apache babies. Yes, they were 2nd graders but they all knew they were my babies! I graduated with my first master's degree and started my second master's degree so my career and education were perfect.

Health: My health was a repeat of 2014 with the exception of it getting worse. Do you see a pattern here?

2016:

Relationships: My second year in the same relationship and I still felt he was perfect. Here was a man who had never had children being the perfect grandpa as well. Life was good.

Children: My teenager surprised everyone with her parenting skills. She stayed at home all year with the twins and settling in to become a textbook little mommie. My other two children were in middle school and were bullied continually. I would change this if I could but I think it has become the norm in most schools. I did spend a lot of time talking to my kiddos and I can see now that was the start of them becoming two tough amigos.

Career: I taught 2nd grade and then in August when school started I moved to 3rd grade with my students. I was well into my second master's degree and discovering that the problem I hoped to solve with it was much deeper than any degree could fix. I was becoming and self-made expert on fetal alcohol exposure and how it presented in the classroom.

Health: My health was not improving. I was taking meds for my blood pressure as well as a prescription diuretic and Xanax. I was also eating Ibuprofen like candy and nothing helped. I progressed to the point that I could not turn over at night in bed without physically lifting my legs because my hips would freeze.

2017:

Relationships: 2017 found me still head over heels in love with my honey! My kids adore him and the twins think he is the best papa ever. Perfect! No regrets!

Children: My two younger kids finished the school year and then we moved…again! They started 6th and 8th grade at a school on the Mexican border where they were two of about six non-Hispanic kids. There was a difference however, they had a mother who was present in their lives fully!

Career: June of 2017 was the last month that I taught school. My life turned upside down and inside out this year. I was supposed to start my Ph.D. in September but paperwork held the process up until October. I was no longer a teacher I was a full-time student. Regrets? Superficial ones yes, but they dim in comparison to what I am accomplishing.

Health: My health bombed in 2017. I tore the meniscus in my left knee and the swelling is still present. My bowels decided to have their own war against my body. I thought I was losing my mind due to potassium deficiencies I was not aware of until 2018. I also discovered that I really like gin and tonic and gin and lemonade AND gin and limeade! This I regret!

BINGO drinking might be as bad as eating!

2018–19

Relationships: I’ve put the last two years together because they have basically been the same and this is turning into a long read! I am still in my relationship with my “Know him 4 months online honey.” He is still perfect and all is well.

Children: I still struggle with being present and in the moment with my children. Teenagers are hard! It is so easy to buy them phones and televisions and then put them out to graze. The biggest regret I have is time not spent wisely with my children and my grand twins. I love that I have been available so their mom could finish school and start her career…. as what she’s not sure but for now she is teaching. I’ve spent two wonderful years being my second oldest daughter's friend after being away from her for several years. She moved out of state a few months ago and again I can see how elusive time can be.

BINGO! Again and Again, time is an issue!

Career: I have made some life-altering decisions about my career over the last two years. I will not go back into a conventional classroom for many reasons. The biggest being that what I am researching is just that, BIG. I cannot influence the lives of 20–30 children a year and hope to make a difference in the problem that is fetal alcohol spectrum disorders. I will graduate and become Dr. V within the next fifteen months and I plan to continue my research and share it via medical conferences and educational events. My goal is to take my research to Ireland, Russia and eventually South Africa where fetal alcohol spectrum disorders affect as many as 40% or more of the students. This is contingent on my health.

BINGO! Health again and again!

Health: My health became unbearable in late 2018. The spring of 2019 had me determined to either find help or resign to the fact that I was dying. I have since been diagnosed with Celiac and Anklyosing Spondylitis, an autoimmune disease similar to MS that affects the spine, eyes, gut and, feet. I cannot tolerate any nightshade vegetables, GMO products, or gluten. My diet also limits salt and trans fats. I like to say I survive on air and water but if I am honest I would say that I cheat, eat and suffer. This has got to stop or my quality of life will continue to worsen. This will affect my relationship, my children and, my career.

So you see my health is the hinge upon which the door to my life swings and my children are in danger of becoming leftovers.

This reflection has allowed me and hopefully will allow you to pinpoint a few very specific things that can change your life. Here is my list of resolutions (if you need to call it that) based on my reflection on the past eight years of my life.

I will eat only the things that I am allowed to eat. No GMO products, limited meat, 50% of my foods will be raw, limited salt, if I drink I will drink only good booze and no beer. I will accomplish this by eliminating the things I cannot eat or drink from my house.

I will spend quality time with my honey, children, and grandchildren. I will accomplish this by always being available when they need me and by discussing life as it happens in a ‘real’ dialogue.

I will finish my Ph.D. because I will live a life that allows me to be healthy physically as well as emotionally.

SIMPLE! Three small resolutions based on an examination of what needs to change in my life!

Remember :

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. ~Albert Einstein

2020

I am still reflecting on this crazy year! I have made only one New Year's resolution. I based it on the fact that after all the inconsistencies/lies I encountered during 2020 I would not allow myself to fall into that category.

So my one and only resolution for 2021: I will not allow lies, especially not the lies I love to tell myself! I will be perfectly honest with myself on a minute by minute basis. The honesty I bestow upon myself is what I deserve as a human and is done out of love for myself.

Make 2021 the year of DOING DIFFERENT!