Apologizing to my Chakras

A reader asked via e-mail " why did you skip "Heart Chakra?" my reply was "I haven't", I decided to do the heart chakra last because this is not only a read to me, this is my emotional state. The reason I wanted to do this series was because I intended to cleanse as I wrote, and so far, I've gained so much self love, patience and even understanding, that leaving the heart chakra for last can only lead to one thing; transformation.

"Stop loving things/people that don't love you back"

As I wrapped up my cleanse, my time of introspection, my time of silence I begin to recognized that my heart has been terrified of love, of support, of happy: I couldn't remember the last time I laugh without thinking " how long this feeling will last?" I couldn't remember the last time I was present with someone in real time because in my mind I was questioning "Is this genuine?".

The song my heart has been singing for a month now is "2 You" by Mariah The Scientist; the song speaks about letting go, but not understanding the feeling of how, why, the reason, the purpose of all we've been through, for this ending, for me to be left standing in the cold wondering if it was me or if it was just another "rejection is redirection" lesson from the Universe.

This brought me to an ugly realization, it forced me to look back at my love trail, it forced me to visually sit with the red flags, sit with the feeling of I wanted to be love conditionally because that was all I was able to give in return. I've asked for commitment when all I truly wanted was the reassurance that I was worth it, I didn't want the cuffs that came with the answer to a question, I didn't want my world to revolve around a single connection. I had a pattern.

The need for me to feel good, accomplish, even secure in who I thought I was came from being worth a relationship, being worth being someone's person, being worth loving: this is hard to type but harder to sit with.

I lied a few entries back; sometimes I do think about the man that helped made me, and I wonder, would've I been a different Lucy? Would I still need this amount of reassurance if my own blood didn't decide that I was not worth it? I hate the term "daddy issues" I hate it because it has nothing to do with the lack of, but everything to do with the why; he had 12 kids, my brothers included, he has a relationship with them, but never tried with me, is it because I called him a drunk after he couldn't remember my name? Is it because I can stand up to his fuckery and they don't? Is he intimidated by me so much that he thinks is easier not to deal with me?

All these questions lead me to "why?" again and again, of course I could just have a conversation with him, but how can I sit with someone that has done so much but done nothing in the same breath? How can I sit with someone I have no respect for? how can his reasoning be anything more than what it has been?

This is my deepest scar, and I know that it won't go away, I know that it is a heart tattoo, I know that even when I get to love someone unconditionally in a romantic sense, I know that it'' still be a reminder, I know that I'll feel it from time to time, I know this because through my knee is 'healed' sometimes if I go too hard, I feel it lock, and it reminds me that though my bones healed, my joints serve as preventive reminders.

Through I spent my whole childhood helping raise my younger brothers while my mother worked to keep us afloat, though I did everything that was asked of me as a teenager, though I was a 'good kid' I still wonder, if I would've skipped that one experience, if my step-father wouldn't had found me attractive, would I had been a mommy's girl? I was good to her, I did everything right, I helped, I studied, I graduated with honors, I went to college, I married before kids, I am successful, I did everything right, still, she sees me as a threat. WHY?!

Your words feel distant, your hugs feel empty, your eyes when you look at me, they don't have the same shine that they carry when you talk about the boys. It wasn't my fault mommy.

I've tried again and again to make you proud, I've tried to be who you wanted me to be, I've tried to bond with you, do you know how much it hurts when you dismiss me? when you chose others instead of me? do you know that I cried the last time you said you were spending the week with me but then changed it to just a day? I needed that week with you, I cleaned my whole house for you, I planned for us, and you just told me "another time". I've tried not to hold on to these things, I've tried to understand you, but this trying is sucking the life out of me.

My heart was vulnerable, open, sensitive when she walked in my life; drama, trauma, bonding over similarities, she ended up being the person of my dreams, and for years my one and only love, she taught me so much, she gave me the world, she made my dreams come true right in front of my eyes and still, I ran. I ran after someone who didn't even do the bare minimum not once for me. I poured pain unto her just because I got bored, just because I wanted out, I marked her with the deepest scar just because I no longer wanted the family house with the white picket fences.

In the process, I broke the tiniest of hearts, my oldest son's heart, who till this day questions my choices, till this day looks at me with hurt in his eyes while asking why. His hurt spilled unto my youngest, as the years go by and I work hard on re-bonding, it only gets harder to, because I still have no answers for their questions.

How do you answer "why did you hurt mommy?" how can you describe your selfishness without destroying the little love left? How can you tell them "it was me not her" and expect them to understand it.

Their anger exposes my heart in a way I can't describe, and though family therapy will hopefully be a great start, I pray that I am able to love them so hard that they have no other choice but to love me back. I am praying that I can repair the leak in their hearts before they are grown and decide to leave the nest. I pray that our relationship be the most beautiful example of unconditional love in my family trajectory.

When I tell people I have 5 brothers, their first impression is that I am 'over protected' when in truth, I've been protecting myself from them for as long as I can remember. I've built my own forces, I've protected my own, I've never asked for their help in any sense of the word, when I see families that care for each other I tend to smile at the thought of wishing my family would too, but I quickly realize that our family was formed in chaos, in trauma, in hurt, in pain, in destruction; and though I pray that my whole family repairs their path individually to heal our family bond, I know that everyone is in a different time line.

So here I am, putting my darkest thoughts on paper for the world to judge, but please don't judge me unless you are ready to judge yourself.

XOXO

Lucy.