Apologizing to my Chakras

I was humbled by my own body.

After an intense session at the gym, I like to finish by meditating and allowing my body to calm and cool before heading to our next adventure; I've been mentally tired , mentally unable to balance my emotions, and so as I quieted my mind, on a child's pose, I focused on my root chakra: I softly let out an "I am sorry", what I meant to say was "Thank you".

My eyes opened and without hesitation, a tear rolled down catching me off guard, and grounding my pride, it was at that moment that I realized, how cold I've been to my root, to my womanly hideout, to the core of life in my body. I cried for a moment, I cried because I felt so disgusted with myself, utterly in awe of my own insanity; how I was so careless? How could I trust someone I barely spoke to in two months? how could I not care that there was someone else's energy in the room, someone else's traces on a body I called mine?

Dancing with my own tears, I allowed the shower to cleanse my body, I allowed the palo santo to smoke into the air, as I took deep breaths, as I rolled rose quarts on every inch, crown to root, softly whispering an apology, softly guiding myself back to center, back to balance.

I sat with myself in a quiet room, feeling the physical detachment, like a candle burning down until the flame is covered in wax; I felt sick, I felt like I needed him more than I needed my next breath, and before I knew how I felt, I was numb.

Sex makes me feel connected, safe, confidant and all these emotions translate to something ugly, I know, I've worked on saying his name, I've healed from all the scars his cigarettes left on my mental state, but I never thought that I had a problem with the connection I made between sex and my value.

When I am mad, confused, when I am sad, or hurt, I run to sex, and I jump in for a fix, but at the end all it's done is create a monster of a person towards my most sacred places, all it's done is refocused my need for something deeper, but even the thought creeps me out and so I sit quiet contemplating the next time.

Never did I stop to think about how sex has made every single emotion I've ever felt temporary, making one hell of a basement, what I've been working through for 3 years now; I thought this basement was created by a monster, it turns out I was right, that monster is me.

I've run from everything, "closure- while healing" was meant to be a closing statement, little did I know it was a letter to myself from myself, a cry for help, she was forgotten and now after all this begging, after all this chasing someone out side of me, after all this crying, I've realized she was screaming for acknowledgement.

I can count with my fingers how many people I've shared myself with, how many times I wanted it to become more versus how many times I've said no to that same question. This paragraph is not for the ones assuming I am a hoe, this one is for those that have met my core and seen beauty when I saw ugly, for the ones who took my body and my soul as they came, and gave it bone broth, nursed it back to health without judgement, without the need to leave a blueprint behind. Thank you. Thank you for seen what I couldn't at the moment, thank you for respecting what I didn't at the time.

I was afraid of celibacy, because I am overly sexual, and though I put most of that energy into my writing, I was afraid I would somehow lose who I am, my burning core, my passion for moans and roars. I was afraid that I would forget what it feels like to fall on someone's shoulder after waves of pleasure, I was afraid I would forget how to stare with the intensity of a hawk's eyes: but the truth is I want to save that and give it to someone I can melt under, completely not only physically.

They say if you do something for 30 days, it'll become a habit, and I am trying my best to not count, because some days, the need hit in the middle of an intense gym session and the only way I can manage it is by working on my form with weights that I can't grip, with intentions to let my body exhaust it's need, which leads me to manifesting the type of love that makes me feel safe to give it all again.

XOXO

Lucy