Anger

What I'm going through?

I've been suffering from anger for quiet awhile now and I'm sick of It.

Every time I lose control the more harder It gets to gain control.

I hurt my partner mentally and that hurts me because whenever I look into her eyes afterwards It hits me Its the look of someone who's scared and who's terrified.

I love my partner so much, she's been there for me even through all the trouble I've given her. Honestly she deserves so much for real, I appreciate her a lot.

I lose so much control I start hurting myself by punching walls and doors etc. Yeah It ain't impressive at all.

I'm sick of hurting the people I love, I'm sick of It. I don't want to be like this when my daughter is around. Some people believe anger is nothing or It's easy to stop. You can't stop the beast inside of you that easily especially when It's taken over.

It's impacted my life for a long time which is really tough to handle.

The sad thing is that I think It's normal.

Why I think It's normal?

Well when I was growing up, I've experienced some cruel things.

My dad abusing my mum.

Fights.

Kids abusing animals.

I always thought anger or being angry was normal, I thought everyone had It and I thought It was normal to be angry and hurt other people while being angry.

I've beaten kids up because I've been angry. FOR no reason at all, Just because I've been angry.

I've verbally abused kids when I was angry. FOR no reason at all, Simply because I was angry.

I've hurt animals because I was angry. Once again because I was angry.

I've did a lot of things because I was angry. None of It was right None of It, you should never do bad things like I've done because your angry, It's a stupid bloody reason NEVER do It OUT OF ANGER.

This Is why I thought It was normal up until now. I hated myself for so long for thinking that It's bloody normal why was I so stupid? why did I really think that It was normal.

Why I thought It was normal till now?

I've been In a relationship with my partner for about 1 year and 9 months.

It wasn't the best at the start I can admit that, Simply because of how frustrated I got I couldn't handle anything without blowing up In her face and swearing and yelling. No one especially my partner should experience that.

It's only getting better now. Barely getting better. My anger gets in the way of everything I do and try and do.

I've hurt my beautiful girlfriend way to much. That's for real, I've put her through so many situation s where she felt scared so scared she's even called my parents to help.

Now I've been realizing why It's not normal.

I'm becoming a father and I don't want my daughter growing up around me If I'm like how I am now. Heck I don't want my partner to grow up around me If I'm being like how I am.

I hate my anger.

I'm breaking this cycle of anger, no matter how hard It Is I've hurt to many people and I've ran myself down to the ground now I'm done.

What do I mean by "breaking the cycle"?

Through my generations and me growing up I've noticed a lot of my family members who suffer from anger.

I've seen them have big rages and have been so frustrated that they physically or mentally hurt someone.

This Is what I've grown around, This environment Isn't good for anyone trying to grow up.

I didn't want my brothers going through this, so I tried being a good role model for them.

No matter what though, No matter how much I tried I couldn't succeed.

I may have not been able to save them or help them but I can break It.

I can raise my daughter along with my beautiful partner and teach and guide her along a good path and break the cycle my family goes through.

It's not much but It's a start.