An elephant from the phoenix's ashes

“Where are our skis? Oh no! Did we leave them there?”

He looks at me from the corner of his eye and smiles. It is at this moment we realize we left our skis and poles sticking out of the snow around the corner from a ski lift, on the mountain we left a few hours ago. We need to call when we get home and in the door.

We learned how to ski together and it became our us time, the thing we did only with each other. We go on at least an overnight ski trip every year, and through the years, it has resulted in many unforgettable memories.

Skiing in the rain is a unique experience. There aren't a lot of skiers on the trails for a weekend day at the height of the season, and we discover why. Everyone else knows how unpleasant skiing in the rain is, and it stops us in our tracks. The lift tickets are only valid for a few more hours, and it seems as though the rain might stop. We stop and contemplate our next move, standing there, leaning on our poles in the middle of the trail.

Deciding to take a short break and see if the rain cleared before our time was up seemed like a good idea. We take our skis off and leave them near the edge of the parking lot, jam them in the snow, then make our way to the gazebo for cover and take a seat. After an hour-long chat about how we had no idea rain could suck so much, we understand the storm is not going to quit, so we leave.

We were a mere two miles from home when I remembered we jammed our skis and poles upright in the snow, and I blurt out my realization in the car. When we call the mountain, they have no idea what we are trying to describe to them. We know we are going to have to do the entire drive again tomorrow, and we found them right where we left them.

Years later, we are at a great point in our relationship and we decide to design a tattoo together, and each gets it. I love tattoos, and I have always found them sexy. I often ask people if they have any and I'm always coming up with ideas for designs. I take them very seriously, and I plan on getting more. We came together with ideas and collaborated to make the perfect design because the tattoo is important to both of us. We like this story so much, and it is becoming a well-worn inside joke, so we designed a tattoo to represent the good times we have while skiing.

We go to a local shop to make an appointment, and the shop is busy, so we look through portfolios as the needle buzzing continues in all five stations. We agree almost instantly on our favorite artist, and his next available appointment happens to also be our anniversary, so we book it. Romantic, right? We both get the tattoo done; his on his leg, and I get mine on the side of my torso. Along with a bunch of other unique symbolism, it features four skis and four poles sticking out of the snow, with the phrase, "Based on a true story," included under it.

As the years go on, our relationship changes. The sweet and sexy moments in our marriage fade away, and we have been on a bit of a roller coaster. All relationships change, I know, but it seems to be going in the wrong direction. I thought your love was supposed to grow stronger as a marriage continues. Why do I feel so lonely all the time, then? Why do I feel so confused about my life? I have a fantastic son and a loving husband. What is my problem? The sex life we have is dwindling, though our connection has never really been intense, to begin with.

He is very sexually closed off, and I can never have a conversation containing the word clitoris without him blushing and getting angry at me. I don’t feel like he even notices me, anymore. He flirts with women right before me, and he isn’t home much. We've never had a conversation about our relationship, our expectations, our needs, or our goals. I know children change relationships, but I feel like I'm raising our son alone, and he was up most nights until early in the morning, like 2 a.m.

One day, I open the laptop and realize he has been watching a lot of porn. I am hurt mainly by learning it's me he doesn't want to have sex with. I confront him about it, which leads to the disclosure of everything he has been up to. He tells me he is watching several hours of porn daily, and he hides it so well I have no idea he is doing it. After learning of his digital adventures, I understand my suspicions of infidelity are on point.

He has a sex addiction, which created an enormous dry spell in our marriage, leaving me wondering why I'm not good enough. I want to know what I can do to earn his attention back. Maybe I need to change my hair or start wearing different clothes. He often tells me the things he doesn't like about me and suggests changes for improvement. Maybe I should check in with him more often to make sure I'm doing everything correctly. I hope I'm not the reason he has a sex addiction.

We both agree therapy is the next logical step and is creating a dramatic shift in our relationship. He is putting effort in and it just feels different. I'm seeing changes in him I never expected. He is doing chores around the house and complimenting me. He is spending a lot of time with us, and we are having honest discussions. This has to mean it will go back to how it was when we first met and fell in love.

Even after only a month of talking to therapists and working day and night on our relationship, we both want a fresh start and are making tremendous progress. Now that we are finally heading in the right direction, I go into high gear. I do research, attend support groups, I'm always on standby to talk about the addiction and make sure he has adequate alone time and mental energy for his healing. This will allow me to offer him additional support, and it seems to be working. I make sure he understands how solid we are as a team and that nothing will get in the middle if we don't let it.

In the middle of one of our many long conversations about his sex addiction, we begin discussing the possibility of me moving on from the betrayal the addiction caused. I began to wonder why he didn't tell me of his addiction sooner, consisting of chronic masturbation and infidelity. I ask him, "Why now? After all these years of hiding it and bottling it up, why did you decide to tell me now?"

“Because I knew you were desperate,” he smirked.

I fell to my knees, hung my head, and started weeping. This is the moment my world implodes. I finally understand the true horror behind what is happening in my marriage, facilitated by the person who claims to love me. I weep so hard I find myself in a heap on the kitchen floor. “You hurt me so much!” I yell.

I am in so much pain that I am numb. I honestly do not know how much pain I am carrying, but he knows. His plan was working, little by little, piece by piece. I am emotionally burning alive and am so desperate to be reborn. I learned he likes that I'm in pain. It makes him feel strong, powerful, and happy. He finally gets the confirmation he is seeking. I see just a touch of a smirk on his lips as he mutters an empathetic whisper, “I know. I know.” Not I'm sorry, just I know. I do not understand what is happening, but he knows I am close to figuring it out.

Since being called desperate, I've resumed a lot of the crying and I've begun trying to figure out what I should do. I know I am in an unhealthy amount of pain, and there is a chance my life might depend on getting out of this marriage.

“Through all this, you have shown so much strength, like a phoenix. You know what those are, right? We can still turn this around.”

“Yes, I know what a phoenix is,” I respond. This becomes one of the last abusive questions he'll ever ask me directly.

We are brainstorming tattoo ideas for me to represent my horrific journey from tragedy to recovery. I am so lost in the fog a phoenix sounds like a great idea. I love birds and fire, and yes, it seemed representative of the situation, he was validating my strength for surviving his abuse. He owns his abusive behavior and secretly shows his pride in getting me to a place where he watches me burn. He is covering up the fact he brought me to emotionally burn alive with the idea of a miracle re-birth. Yet, at the same time, not allowing me to forget that even though I am re-born, he can still get me to burn again if he chooses to. I even let him draw a few tattoo prototypes on my back.

The day before my birthday, he decided to take our son to select a birthday gift. Birthdays have always been stressful, and I am never sure how to feel. I hope I don't wind up crying myself to sleep this year, too.

“Mommy, open your gift!”

My son picked out a necklace for my 42nd birthday. I love necklaces, and it's beautiful and perfect. My amazing son gives me the thing that inspires me to change our lives for the better, forever going forward.

“Mommy, do you like it? It’s an elephant. Put it on!” I don’t take that necklace off for more than two years.

I am still wearing it a few days later when I call 911 to report my husband for threatening to pull a gun out of the cabinet. I am wearing it when he tells me he is a child pornography addict. I am wearing it when I am granted an order of protection in the domestic violence court. I am wearing it during multiple court visits, fighting for our safety from his threats. I am wearing it when my son tells me his paternal grandmother is sexually abusing him. I am wearing it at the child advocacy center when I take my son to report her for child molestation to authorities. I am wearing it when the investigator tells me about his final conviction, and that he is going to be on probation for a while. It ultimately gives me the motivation to get out of my terrible marriage and teaches me I am stronger than I ever knew.

Strength comes from places that seemingly don’t even exist in our lives. I have already exhausted myself by being in an abusive marriage thinking I could fix everything; him, our relationship, his betrayal, our lives. Little did I know the journey had only just begun.

Just days after my birthday, some of the secrets start revealing themselves, resulting in two arrests in 96 hours. His criminal activity is catching up with him. After finding out he is a child pornography addict, I understood the person I fell in love with is an illusion, a made-up person orchestrated by one of the most abusive people I know.

Every day is a struggle to get out of bed, give my son the intense support he needs with his sexual trauma, and continue on my healing journey while living my life acting as if everything is fine. When I look back and see the symbolism the necklace offered, I am filled with gratitude and awe for my son’s strength and character. My journey provides me with so many challenges I need the power of ten elephants. He allows me to see I already have the strength of ten elephants just by giving me one.

Through all the thick and thin of my marriage, my son has always been my greatest motivation, and receiving the necklace is the most validating confirmation. My love for him is always boundless, and after removing all the toxic distractions of the abusers, it is growing stronger.

I’m no Phoenix. I may have burned, but an elephant emerged from the ashes, not the phoenix everyone expected. Breaking a generational cycle of trauma requires a level of commitment and strength even the cycle breakers aren’t aware of, and we constantly doubt our abilities. The elephant was so small, just a newborn, and it has grown big enough to conquer just about anything.

A tattoo cover-up landed on my to-do list when I served him with an evacuation order. Since there is only one thing I can think of using for the cover-up, I take the necklace to the shop. He gives me a beautiful, strong elephant just like the one on the healing journey around my neck. There are only a few small spots where you can see the other tattoo showing through, and only know where to look if you know it's there. I decided to keep the words Based on a true story because now it is my true story.