A Taste Of Thrill All My Own

Precursor; I ask that anyone reading this, please have integrity, and do not try to take this from me. I have been working on this project for six years, and I am so close to being able to start up my business with it.. All I need is the money to start up and the time to really focus on it. I have put a lot of time, energy, research, and dedication into this project, and it would break my heart if someone stole it from under me. I work tirelessly to support my infant daughter by myself, and this is one of the major ways I will be able to make her proud of me, and one of the few things that I do that makes me happy in all this Hell that I have been going through, so please, let’s keep our thoughts our own! Also, trigger warning: This briefly mentions abuse and abusive acts, so read with caution if those subjects are triggering for you!

Now, with that out of the way, it’s time to get to the details of how I have taken a bit of happiness for my own!

For most of my life, I have always been a bit.. Odd. I didn’t have friends. I didn’t have many family members who liked me- at times it felt as though none of them did. I had a lot of major trauma, and I started therapy when I was four years old- and continued until I was seventeen, and then started again at twenty. I have always struggled to speak, and to function like the average person my age.. I didn’t find out until very recently that there was a reason for all this; I am autistic and ADHD, and very vulnerable to predators. Throughout my life, there have been few things keeping me going. A huge part of what kept me going are my creative outlets and my huge ambitions. There is no short list of activities I did, some of which I still do.

I started out with reading everything I could get my hands on, then writing everything that popped into my head- which was a lot. Then I began drawing, and playing sports, babysitting, puppysitting, massaging pets, creating my own math equations, and starting my own little ‘businesses’ as a kid. I sold dog treats, skin care “potions”, pretty rocks I found, stories, lemonade- basically anything I could think of. That’s when I realized that being an entrepreneur was in my future. I didn’t know exactly what kind of business I wanted when I was younger, I just knew I wanted one, and that I would do whatever it takes to make that a reality- no matter how many challenges I face that others may not.

When I got to high school, I began really developing ideas for what I want as a business, and it quickly spun from one to six business ventures that would be amazing adventures, each one a stepping stone to create the next; each one a piece to the abstract beautiful puzzle of my dreams. I joined an entrepreneurship class, to develop a real business plan to use for my first true business idea for the future, and from there, I took off running with ideas and steps, and plans. For a while, I had all of the second half of the journey planned out, but I couldn’t quite figure out where to start. I had a few business ideas, but all of them required me to be older, and to have something else successfully done first; none of my ideas were starters. Not long after I finished with my entrepreneurship class, I created something that would help me in school; something I didn’t realize at the time would be my first business adventure, and my first step.

I was never really one for staying awake when I wasn’t mentally stimulated- thanks ADHD- so I had a really hard time staying awake in my classes. I went to an advanced middle school, and had already done the things being taught in my basic ninth and tenth grade classes. It did not take me long to grow extremely bored, and I started sleeping in most of my classes- the ones I even bothered to show up to, that is. The desks, however, were extremely horrible to sleep on with my sensory issues, and I did not have room in my backpack to carry a pillow or blanket. I definitely didn’t want to walk around school carrying around a backpack and a pillow, though- people already thought I was a freak, and lazy, and carrying around a pillow and blanket certainly would not help with that. Not to mention, it would be such a pain trying to keep track of everything, and carrying all that stuff would make it impossible to use my hands- and I use my hands a lot.

One night, as I was looking at my favorite pillow, wistfully wishing I could bring it to school with me, my mind started to whir; my mind often goes through random hyperactive times where the thoughts just will not stop, and once in a while those thoughts are actually productive. This was one of those more productive whirs. I glanced around my room to my backpacks, my sewing things, my row of scissors, my pillows, and I got an idea; why not turn the pillow into a backpack?

At first, I thought it would be impossible to make a functional and comfortable backpack out of an ordinary pillow, and I played around a bit with the idea that night, and obsessively during the next day at school. I just couldn’t get it out of my head! The next night, after hours of failing in my attempts to sleep, I gave in and began to work. I grabbed my pillow, in its beautiful teal pillowcase, some thread, an old backpack I had never once used, a sewing needle, and my favorite pair of scissors. I cut off parts of the old backpack I had never used, and began sewing the pieces on to my pillow. After that, I realized I needed a front pouch to hold things like pencils, because the design would make it a bit difficult to quickly find such items easily, and I have a very low threshold for annoyances. The whole point was for the backpack to be comfortable to sleep on, though, so I needed a front pouch that wouldn’t ruin that. I searched my entire room until I found a small stuffed pillow that I wasn’t using, in the very last part of my room that I checked- of course leaving the room looking like a tornado had gone through it; all but the small space I was working in. I cut open the small stuffed pillow to remove some of the stuffing; then I sewed that on to the backpack I was making, and quickly added a zipper.

As I sat looking at my creation, a one of a kind, I knew it was perfect for me. I had made it with a purpose, a style of my own, and I loved it! I carried it into school the next day, and everybody had something to say! People who had never spoken to me- never even given me a second look- suddenly were coming up to me asking me where I got such a great backpack! People wanted to be my friend, because suddenly they didn’t think I was weird- instead they thought I was creative, and cool! Teachers were coming up to me telling me how creative it was and how great, and some even laughed about it and told me I was clever and that they wished they had one! My vice principal was not very happy; he often had to search the school for me to figure out which hallway I hid in to take a nap that day, and this just made it easier for me to sleep wherever and whenever I wanted- but even he had to admit it was a clever idea, albeit very begrudgingly.

From then on, that was the only backpack I ever used; it lasted me through three not-so-gentle years of high school, and I am happy to say to this day I still have it six years later. My sewing skills at the time were not exactly top notch, so it doesn’t have the prettiest stitches, but boy is it durable and functional. Every week I had people coming up to me in the high school asking me to make them one too, and each one was offering to pay me for it! One person even offered a hundred dollars just for me to make them one backpack! My backpack gave me a huge sense of pride and identity, and a thrill of joy like nothing else I had ever done! It was such a simple design, but it was me. After the first few people asked me to make them a backpack, it got me thinking. Other people will want this! People would pay money for it! I had created something with a large market, and I began to plan.

Since then, I have spent hundreds of hours researching various backpack designs. I spent hundreds more hours designing various lines for different markets, various add-ons for extra cost; various things to make it better and more refined and beautiful and functional! Once I had some designs in place, I began to think about people who might be able to help me with turning it into a business. I quickly made up my mind; my mom and my bonus mom. Once I got my moms on board, I began creating even more lines- lines that utilize the skills of my moms that I don’t have myself and that I have failed multiple times to learn due to my lack of coordination and patience with them. I began developing marketing ideas, a name for the business, a motto, a logo, tools and designs to make them machine washable; everything down to the last detail. Everything I am good at was put to use; I finally had an outlet truly made for me- that I wouldn’t lose interest in (not an easy task with ADHD)! When I began researching backpack designs, I quickly realized I actually really loved it. I had a fierce passion for it, and got an intense joy from working on my lines of designs. I love looking at various backpack designs and options- it turns out there are so many more than I realized! Backpacks seem like such a simple product, but there are so many nuances to it that I had never realized. More than that, I love making things better. Comfort and functionality are two things that I am excellent at picking up on, and I never really knew of any way to put that to use- until suddenly I did. Now, backpacks are one of my biggest passions and interests! I could go on, and on, and on about backpacks, about my designs, about my marketing strategies, about my target markets, and everything in between- if anyone would be able to listen to it all without falling asleep or getting annoyed, that is. I have always had some pretty intense passions, but most of them were not marketable; they were only for me; but I had finally found a marketable skill, a marketable passion, and it thrilled me to no end!

It has been six years now since I first created that backpack. I have been through a lot of Hells during that time, but throughout it all, my ideas kept me going. I was beaten, mentally and physically tortured, manipulated, controlled, bullied, held captive, threatened, stalked, harassed, stolen from, drugged, raped, broken down, unable to connect with what was reality and what was not. That went on for almost four years. But I always had my ideas; My projects. That was the one thing that nobody could take from me. The one thing I held close and kept hidden from my abusers. The one thing I drew strength and confidence from. Whenever I had a few minutes to myself in peace, I hid away and worked on my designs, and those designs kept me going; those designs kept me from breaking, because I knew if I could still create, then I was still me, somewhere deep down. As I draw nearer to the end of my newest Hell, fighting to protect my ten month old baby girl and myself from an abusive, dangerous family that I never should have trusted, backed up by a broken system, I draw nearer to being able to begin my business, begin my journeys, and begin my life of my creation.

My finances and my life are almost completely back in my control, and I am so close to being able to truly start, and that makes me happier than anyone could ever imagine- that freedom, that excitement, the fruition of years of planning, years of waiting, years of building myself back up; it’s finally going to amount to something that I can be proud of; that my daughter can be proud of. I am barely scraping by, holding myself and my daughter afloat on my own with pretty much sheer willpower for now. But one day soon, I hope that I will be able to save up enough to do a startup, so that I can take off from the ground and begin anew. So I can create my happiness.

Once I get my first startup to take off, and I put myself through school, I can’t wait to show the world what they have been sleeping on; what my mom always knew; I am special. I am capable. And I can do anything that I put my mind to. Even if I am a bit odd. Even if I am a bit high needs and low functioning. Even if I do struggle with mutism. Even if I had my sense knocked out of me for a few years. I want to show them that they did not break me. Because my mind will not be caged, and my mind will not be broken. But most importantly, I want to show my daughter that she can be proud of where she came from; despite what anyone says, she can be proud of her mother. I want to become her boss mom, her role model; her idol. And I will stop at nothing to make sure that happens.

It all started with a pillow, a pair of scissors, and some thread; It all started with an odd duck with big dreams, and boring classes. For now, it is an obsessive hobby, and a dream; but one day, it will be a business and a reality.

This is not where my story ends; this is only the beginning! I have huge dreams, and one day they will become my reality. One day I will have my full happiness and potential reached, created by me and procured by me. Until then, I have my ideas and projects, my beautiful amazing little girl, my wonderful pets, my hopes, my work ethic, and my amazing support team. And that is all I need to keep me going; to keep me tirelessly working; to keep me hoping that one day everything will turn out right. I have created a mere tiny taste of my happiness, and someday I will taste it all- and I can not wait for that day. That day, I will be able to see why everything happened the way it did. That day, I will prove everyone that doubted me wrong. That day, I will make my daughter, myself, and my mother proud. That day, I will have my happiness, created throughout Hell.

That day, I will show the predators that I am not prey.