A survivor

I found the the man whom I wanted to be with for the rest of my life 9 months ago. Here I am today, 13 weeks pregnant. No job. No savings. No husband. Only the sheer desire to be a good human and a great mom. I resigned from my “great job” to go out on a limb and start my own business in April but boy did the universe have other plans.

Thoughts of being a bad mother pour over my brain. My head is consumed with all the negative "what ifs." I got myself into this situation, with a man who is not ready to be a partner or father. I question myself more than ever now. I no longer feel ready or privileged to bring this child into this world. The intimate and special moments of this pregnancy have been stripped from me. I am having hard time connecting with the child growing inside me.

Was it love? Was it lust? Was it a magical mixture of both? Was it mental illness? Was it blindness?

I have none of the answers.

We are human. We get angry. We (can) make up (right?). But not us. Not this relationship. He's calling it quits. I am begging him to give us time. It has been hard for me to fathom a life without the child's father by my side since he left three weeks ago. However, I am forced to do so in respecting his wish.

He claims he wants to coparent and be there for the child. I have a hard time believing we will make good "coparents" if he cannot even look at me in the face and genuinely smile. There should be balance, respect and a foundation of friendship for successful coparenting. With us, there is none right now. I am trying to remain hopeful but time has not done me any favors.

What kind of example will I be setting for our child if we raise them in this type of environment? What kind of mother would I be to allow the father of my child to disrespect me continually. What am I teaching our child is acceptable behavior? Will he actually get the help he needs and deserves? Will we learn to communicate better over time? Will we be cordial to one another? Will the child be safe when it is with him and his family? Will I be able to survive giving the child up for long periods of time?

This is not the future I dreamed of when wishing for this little one.

I only have a small window of time before the path I have chosen becomes final. I have thought about abortion, adoption, running away, running back, staying put. I have thought about giving up. I have thought about relinquishing my right as a mother. I have thought of damn near every scenario. But, my faith is strong. For better or for worse.

I am not giving up on myself or this child or my husband either.

I am resilient. I am a fighter. I always succeed. The life of this child will be no different. They will learn from me to never give up. They will learn resilience. They will always be successful. They will watch their father grow (or not). This child will be raised in a loving, happy and healthy home, no matter what that looks like. This child will not suffer from heartbreak because of their parents. This child will learn unconditional love.