A Smile

Yesterday morning I woke up and decided that I wanted to try a smile, it didn't last long. So I faked it the rest of the day, hoping that the real smile might return. It's okay though because I know one day it might just return and when it does I will embrace it, never letting go. At least that's what I tell myself when I go through my day getting glimpses of its beauty when around those who truly make me happy. So, what is the appropriate response to these flashes of smile that just might, maybe one day, brighten my future? I assume it is to just hold on tight and never let go, but then eventually you just get to a point where you feel like it is a lost cause to keep chasing someone who doesn't reciprocate the same emotions.

Today I woke up and felt the smile on my face half the day and it felt amazing but who knows if the smile was returned. I don't, maybe that's the point and if it's not, then I believe one day it will and life will get better. So I channel the face for the rest of my day and end up feeling different but for the briefest of moments. What does this mean? Will the smile stay for a while? I hope it does because I LOVE the way it feels on my face, I just wonder do they feel the way I do? It's not okay if they don't, it would make me feel less different. How is it that someone can just wake up one day and say "Hey, I want to smile today. Maybe it could change some person's day or maybe it could just change my day?"

I don't understand how to smile like that. I wish I could just see one smile that allows me to breathe easier and just let go. I don't know how to breathe right anymore. How does one just wake up and breathe through their day like nothing wrong happens? How do some just relax after a long workday or getting a message from a loved one? How is that I cannot seem to forget that my life is a mistreated piece of garbage that no one seems to understand? I have no clue where to start or who to talk to that won't tell me what I have already told myself. A smile could say a thousand words or simply say nothing at all. A smile is as beautiful as a taken picture of a family or nature or a painting fresh from the brain of an artist. So how do you turn the smile you need the most into one of your own? I can't seem to figure it out.

I have lived life asking the most basic but mind melting questions any insane person asks. I still go through my days, helping people, making life easier for some or just getting them pointed in the right direction. So how is it that a simple smile has managed to turn my world upside down, after all the hurt the suffering I have gone through? How is it that a simple smile can make you do things that you thought you would never do? I think I could finally fall in love and actually be happy but can my emotions keep up with my body? Can my brain stop hurting for one split second, for a few gorgeous, mind settling moments where I might actually find the smile that makes me smile? I LOVE HIM? Is it possible that I can just breathe easily for a day? Can he truly make me feel like I can let go of the pain caused by my past? Can he be the air I breathe and make me feel like I am just floating? Maybe? I hope so because I am tired of not breathing right.