A Look Back on The Last Year of a Decade.

"you don't mature with time, you mature through lessons. you mature when you make mistakes and learn where you went wrong. you mature the moment you can admit that you were wrong and accept that people will always have differing opinions on you and that's okay. you mature when you look within yourself before you look at others, it is the moment you decide to hold your tongue instead of engage in unnecessary dispute. you mature when you choose kindness over arrogance, and choose to forgive over holding grudges. you don't mature through the time that passes, you mature through the lessons you seek and understand."

-naaveesa

What a year. Full of lessons. Full of experiences. Full of so much life in the most manifested form that I’ve known yet. Good and bad. Happy and sad. Underwhelmed with emotions as well as overflowing with them. Confused at many times but never lost. But, one thing that is for sure is that 2019 was a year that I lived. Fully lived for the first time in my life it feels. Finally starting to scratch the surface of what life has to offer me and the life that I want to live and the experiences that I want to become a part of it. Full of many moments shared with many people. Embodying happiness from many different areas in my life and many different people helping bring that, enhancing the memories.

A year full of so many memories. So much good and so much hurt. All necessary, all showing me a better way. All teaching me. All bringing me to exactly where I am now.

"learn to settle peace with the uncertainty. some days are for you and some against, some moments are filled with blessings and others with lessons. some days will be written away to chaos of becoming and others to understanding why matters turned out as they did. some days you sail through the waves, and other days the storm guides you. make peace with the uncertainty and know that in its better and in its worst, it is guiding you somewhere, teaching you something, or blessing you with things. seeking for the knowledge in matters, settle peace, and you'll find the will to push through even the harshest of waves."

-naaveesa

A very lonely start to the year. With someone who I wasn’t really with in actuality. Coming to terms with the fact that I could still love someone but not be in love with them and not want to be with them. Trying to define that separation. Accepting that I was not happy anymore in any way and deserved more. We both did. It wasn’t right anymore. A birthday that turned into a breakup. A fake love for my beloved cat turning into a psychotic projected obsessive control for the cat leading into a flea infestation purely because of stupidity and ignorance. A civil situation that turned into a rapid downward spiral that turned into red and blue lights flashing outside. Pieces of glass, splinters of wood, and drops of blood on the floor. Leading to hysterical crying and terror for my safety and locking myself in the bathroom. Leaving that night not knowing that I would not be returning home until months later...

The closing chapter of what felt like a long time coming with schooling finally coming to an end but a terrifying feeling like it might not actually be the end. Trying my hardest and it never feeling like I was good enough. Spreading myself so thin in all areas of my life. Running without taking a minute to breathe. Struggling more than I ever had in school. Ending up many times crying in my professor’s office out of fear of not graduating. Seriously considering what would happen if I did not graduate. My parents viewing me as a failure. The financial repercussions. Being very aware but not able to change anything because all that was happening around me was just my life and I had to make it through. I had to make it work. I could not acknowledge that it might be too much or that it might be overwhelming me as I struggled to keep my head above the water.

A budding new love found amidst in all this chaos. Bringing me exactly what I needed at the time. Allowing me a place to call my temporary home. Helping me try to make sense and stay afloat as I seemed to barely be holding up my world. Maybe in another world we wouldn’t have rushed things. Maybe things would have been different. Maybe we wouldn’t have jumped so quickly and ran so fast at the start. Maybe things would have ended differently. But, a maybe is just that. I don’t think what we had was ever really meant to last forever looking back at it. I think that what we had gave me so much in what I needed at the time, what I needed to learn, and what I didn’t want. I am so grateful for everything that it did for me and for what it provided me when things could have been worse if I didn’t have it. We had many incredible memories and experiences and I was able to show you parts of life that you never even knew existed or were possible. I think that we both needed what we had in the moments that we had something, but that our hearts were never meant to stick together into forever.

People come into our lives for many different reasons. Reasons that we usually never know until they are gone or until we can look back in hindsight and are mature enough to comprehend what all happened and why it need to. Sometimes they are there to help us. Sometimes for us to help them. For them to teach us, about ourselves, about others, about life. And sometimes for us to teach them, to give them things that they never knew before. Memories. Experiences. Pain. Happiness. Beginnings. Endings. I don’t regret any of it. But, I also wouldn’t change any of it.

My what I thought to be possible career turning into no longer something that I felt fulfilled or relatively happy in. Showing up and being miserable. It showing in everything I did. No longer able to be masked by the illusion that everything was okay, that I was okay. Feeling at it’s fullest the absence of any sort of recognition, appreciation, or worth from the ones who used to help motivate me and push me to want to perform and be better. And that was when I just started going through the motions and not caring anymore. Operating out of fear and not out of love. Dreading being at the place I once loved to be. The place that I called my home being there every day no matter what the reason was. Coming to the conclusion that I wasn’t happy anymore with this area of my life either but not knowing where else to go so just continuing the things I knew by muscle memory. Doing what I knew how to do but empty inside. More unhappy and unsatisfied than I wanted to admit to myself.

This was my first half of this year. This was my life. This was my chaos. This is what weighed on me but somehow I managed to balance and overcome the weight of. I don’t know if I even handled everything right or how I should have but I know that I did not allow it to defeat me. I didn’t crumbled underneath all the pressure even though I really wanted to, many times. As if this should have been a foreshadowing to me that this year would be indeed be a very emotional one. A year with many highs and many lows but none ever anything I could not bring myself down to ground level on. None that would make me feel lost and broken indefinitely.

I graduated. I figured out my work in finding a balance between income and happiness. I moved back home, with my cat both of us all free of everything from before. I found a really incredible roommate. I survived. And I've really fucking proud of myself for getting through all of this and keeping my head above water. Overcoming rather than being overcome.

I had so much more to experience and life to live in the remainder of the year left. A year full of so many memories so special to me.

I always knew how special music was to me but this year I was able to gain a whole new appreciation and love for it by not just listening but choosing to experience it in so many ways. Getting to see all of my top favorite DJ’s being a bucket list feat in itself making my heart so full. Being able to see one of my favorite duos not just once but three times. I learned how much live music is important to me and how it elevates me. I experienced so many concerts in this year probably more than the whole rest of my life combined because I learned how much I enjoy them and how important they are to my happiness. I remember my suitemate from my freshman year telling me how she never cared about material things whether they were bought for her or she bought them for herself cause she would much rather spend her money on experiences. I didn’t understand that then, but I fully understand that now.

A huge part of my life is music and experience all the things that life has to offer especially this wonderful city that I live in. My life is best enjoyed and my heart full of love when I’m able to fully live in these things and make the memories that will always live within me. The nights that are full of simple pleasures. The nights that we don’t quite remember all of. The night where we end up somewhere unexpected and end up with a big slice of pizza in our hands. Or maybe a large fry from McDonalds. The nights you can’t put into words but live within all of our hearts. Those are the nights that I live for. Those are the memories, connections that I want more of.

Being able to share so many new experiences and adventures with people who have come in and out of my life within this year and some who have always been in my life.

I learned how to live in an experience and not try to physically capture it all. How to feel it fully. In the moment. And let myself live in it. I learned a new way to enjoy something that I have rushed before. To stop and enjoy all the parts of the experience and everything it has to offer instead of being so worried about seeing everyone that you miss out on all the details. You miss out on the experience because you get so lost in the rush. And that taught me a better way to experience something that is made to be enjoyed not to be fast forwarded. To pay attention and see the things that are on the side lines and not just the main acts.

"Your truth will change. Your purpose will, too. You think you know what's right, and you do, but it's not as "right" as you thought it was. Move it a little to the left, your mind says. What no one tells you is this: your truth doesn't really change. Your purpose doesn't either. What happens is that you are simply rememebering the grand vision of who you are; you are putting the pieces back together, slowly but surely, moment by moment, mindfully assembling a complete portrait of how you were destined to reflect the divine. At the soul level, you do not change. At the mind level, however, you change every day; you identify more and more with that part of you that is unchanging."

-w.riting

I was able to make a week of memories with a friend who I had for so long lost a connection with but had always been there for me like no time had ever passed between us when we did catch up. A trip that allowed us both to experience so many new memories and share those together. To show me so many things about myself. About my current life. About the people in my life. About my love and need for adventure and new things. Showing me that there is so much more to life than constantly working because the moments we will treasure are the ones where we stop and where we finally live. Where we allowed ourselves to experience life in the moment and how it truly deserves to be felt not worrying about everything else. The week we spent on the road was something I really needed and that filled my heart with so much that I didn’t know it was missing.

It allowed my heart to be filled with parts of the connection of our friendship we hadn’t had a chance to develop before and to refind the people that we both had become in the time we had lost touch and hadn’t really known each other. To be free. To do crazy shit. To try new things. To make new memories together. Two friends who had known each other all their lives. But, hadn’t gotten to know each other in years. To have this time and make it one of the best of our lives because we never know when we might see each other again. But, knowing deep down that any time we spend together we always make the most of. Picking up where we had left off whether it had been days or years. Two very different people. Living without judgement with respect for everything that makes us each who we are and loving each other more for that. Taking this trip was one of the best decisions I could have made for myself and am so incredibly grateful that I did. I needed it. And I will always cherish all the moments and memories that we had together in the days we spent together.

It’s funny how years can pass and communication kind of just fades away and then somehow it gets restored. And that connection comes back. You appreciate it and know how to value it even more now. A part of you realizing that maybe there was a reason why you both needed to just live your own lives and not really be involved in each others’ all that time. And why now being present in each others lives is more important now. Like how I’ve seen you four times this year which is more than I’ve seen you in the past few years combined. What a year. Things always work out how they are supposed to. We just had to trust in the process. Trust in life. Not forcing things or people. A lesson I am still trying to accept and implement in areas of my life. But this year more than any I believe has really tried to show me how important this is and how much I need to learn this. I’ve loved everything it has taught me and the memories it has brought. Good and bad. Happy and sad.

"I hope next year you stop expecting things from others. I hope you stop expecting people to change. To be something they're not. I hope next year you come to terms with this, that people are the way they are. That no amount of effort can undo what they've done. I hope you start doing things for you and I hope you take the steps you need to move on."

-r.m. Drake

I learned that sometimes you may think you have a good read on someone or want them in your life but until they show their true colors you won’t know. When you know and see, it will be because they make the decision to show you they want to stay and want you in their life or because they don’t. Not because they are giving you a choice, but because they are making one. You shouldn’t even act any differently in hopes or efforts of trying to keep them in your life or earn their love and loyalty because the right people would never ask that of you. All you can do is be one hundred percent authentically who you are and give the best version of yourself to them and trust in what will be.

You can’t predict the future that any sort of relationship with anyone may hold. And you can't control how people come and go. Because some people will just flip a switch on you and shatter everything you thought you knew about them leaving you in absolute confusion. But even in that confusion, I learned that nothing I could have done would have changed what happened. Nor should I have wanted to because I was being myself and nothing about that was wrong. I am mature enough to adjust and be considerate of things if communicated effectively with but if that is absent I have no reason to think that anything is wrong or bothersome.

People who will go from zero to a hundred on you and don’t give you the chance to try to make it right or to hear your side are not worth your efforts or friendship because they are like ticking time bombs and you never know when they will go off. You deserve more than that. No one deserve to have people around them that make them feel like they’re walking on eggshells. It’s always just a matter of time with people like that and that’s what came out in this situation and it was for the best. Better that it happened sooner rather than later. Even if it felt like a complete 360. People will surprise you in life that is for sure. But, often the things they do have nothing to do with you and you have to be able to see that. To understand that people act and say things out of their own insecurities and pain not necessarily because you actually did something wrong. You might have touched something that was sensitive and set them off but with no awareness there is no expectation for you to know any better and for them to expect that is wrongful.

Live in the moment. Appreciate the memory. Don’t take anything for granted. Never assume anything is certain or going to last. Expectations never do anyone any good.

"Surrender control, but do not forget that life is the sum of your choices. Trust that your desired destination is inevitable, but do not take any moment for granted. Life is amazing, yes, and it will always be. That's for sure. But let's not confuse consciousness with apathy, synchronicity with escapism, and spirituality with how your old self was living. You're still growing...but don't fool yourself...you still have to choose growth over stagnation, every single day."

-w.riting

My first real EDM festival. Meeting someone who showed me what having a best friend looks life even if the time that they would play that role was indefinite and proved to be temporary. Having that connection and treasuring it for the months that it was in my life. Learning that sometimes people may promise you the world and know about your pain and promise not to ever cause it but sometimes doing exactly that. You may think that they are at the same point as you in terms of maturity and friendship but until they show you, you shouldn’t deem them dependable. Because forever is something that is earned not just spoken. Further reminding me how important my mantra of actions over words is to me and in protecting my heart.

From strangers, friends, family, and potential lovers. Being thankful for the opportunity to be there for another in a time that they had no one and needed someone like me. I never expected anything in return. This experience teaching me once again that we can’t control who comes and goes in our lives but have to just learn to appreciate them in the moment. Impermanace. A lesson I know but am still learning how to implement into my relationships with others and practice in real time. Reminding me how big my heart is and how much I give of myself to those that I care about. Reminding me that I do have a heart and am capable of an incredible love for the people I deem worthy and let in.

"You will learn that not all doors you open are meant to stay open. That sometimes, time is someone you need to sit with. that places you land on are merely smaller hills leading you to bigger ones. That people do come and go. And that doesn't make it right or wrong, just that things are what they are moving forward. You will learn, that every broken piece or part of your soul can be mended. it can be stitched. It can grow and heal but never erased. Because they're living proof of what you've walked on in life. With time, you might even feel spending years wasting it and even then you will learn, that wasting those years was a lesson for you to spend it better. Believe me, you will learn all of this for yourself. From all the people and places and doors and mountains you've had to travel on. And you will learn it your own way. In your own light. In your own place of searching and finding and seeking. In time, you will learn for yourself, you are the greatest lesson because of the choices you made towards all that stands in front of you and behind you."

-Darren Siao

I learned how important it is to me the friendships that I make and the friends that I do have. New and old. How important it is to me to maintain them and be surrounded by friends. To make sure not to neglect them if I get involved with someone new. To nurture them and actively put effort and give time to them. And that anyone that doesn’t value that or encourage that is unhealthy for me. I learned how important balance is in friends, yourself, and your love life. And what it looks life when someone doesn’t share the same perspective on that as you and that it should be a flag showing incompatibility.

I learned that I have been trying to fill a small void in my life for a long time that was never filled and that I’ve looked for fulfillment in the wrong people because that part wants to desperately be filled which in turn is me forcing someone to be something they might not meant to be for me. And holding them to unfair expectations and putting unnecessary pressure on the relationship/friendship. I learned how much I am capable of caring about the people in my life and even sometimes more about friends than those I choose not to be with anymore. How much loss can break my heart. How I still have so much to learn about the way life works and the actions or inactions of others and what they mean, direction and indirectly. That not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever or for even a long time and that no matter how much we may want them to, it isn’t our choice if they do or not.

Respecting what someone says, but trusting in what their actions show you. Because intent never says as much as actions do.

A period of freedom following an ending that was very invigorating for me. After feeling so trapped, controlled, and held back from so much for so long. I just wanted to spread my wings again. I wanted to be open to new experiences again. I wanted to feel free again.

I allowed myself to be open to new things again. To do the things that I loved. To fully experience to new extents things that I had to hold back with before. To pursue experiences that I was judged for before but still curious about. To truly do whatever I wanted to do and live my life without having to worry about anyone else. To give chances to people and things that I couldn’t give attention to previously. To spend more time fostering the friendships I have. To live fully without question. To be open to life. To enjoy it.

In another ending, I got to breathe new life into an old friendship that had been dead for sometime. Something that I had very much wanted to revive. A friendship that had meant so much to me but I wasn’t allowed to have. When I was finally free again, I knew that I wanted to welcome and give it a real chance this time. Not allowing anyone else that wanted to be a part of my life to determine what this friendship’s status would be to me. We picked up like we hadn’t missed a beat. Like old friends just catching up with open arms. One of the most beautiful and most fulfilling connections that I was able to feel be full of life and bring so much joy and warmth into my heart. Coming to the conclusion that the time we had where we didn’t have a friendship was time that we both needed. Time apart. Time to grow as people. In maturity. In life. Time to be in a better spot for when we became friends again and be able to appreciate the friendship we share more. Now having this friendship that means a lot to me but that I have very different expectations for than I did the first time. Appreciating every moment of and the memories it brings to my life. The love and happiness it brings to my heart.

Time to heal. Time to make peace with what happened. Time to work through the things I felt. Time to move on and detach. Time to think. Time to understand that time only holds the value that you have for it and the expectations that you give it. Time to be kind to myself, to choose myself, to love myself. To have patience with myself.

"be kind to yourself, acknowledge how far you've come, recognize your emotions and box them in validity. more often than not, the softness within you is only felt externally, to every soul but your own. you know kindness for the way you must treat others but forget that you are just as human. you know how to support otehrs, you know how to be there for others, but you struggle to do the same for yourself. step back and remind yourself: you are just as hman as every other soul, you deserve just as much love as you give away, you deserve jsut as much softness as you blanket every other soul with. give to yourself what you give to others, be to yourself as you are to others."

-naaveesa

At the ending of the year, an unexpected gift entered my life. A symbol of hope and that I deserve good in life and everything that I’ve always wanted. Someone that is able to communicate and articulate themselves and their emotions in a very respectful but open manner that show that a high level of emotional intelligence and maturity is ways that no one ever has shown me. Someone who does things out of intent while also speaking and acting in ways that demonstrate that they fully understand and truly are comprised of so much self-awareness, self-love, self-worth, self-care, and self-respect. Revealing in direct and indirect ways the security that she has in who she is as a person and with people in her life. Showing my an understanding that I have never known my whole life. Treating me better than anyone else has. And loving me for exactly who I am in everything that makes me who I am. Past, present, and future. Being able to share everything with her without worrying that she will judge me or ever hold it against me.

Being mature enough to not act or talk based off of initial feelings towards something or out of insecurity or taking things personal that aren’t even about her as people have previously done in the past. Someone who has challenged me in so many ways and stimulating my mind and heart in ways that it has never been. Exceeding the bounds of my vocabulary frequently. But, something about that being such an endearing thing to me and something I find incredibly attractive. Just like the way that her mind works and depicts things that she feels or thinks. The captivating and incredibly beautiful way that she seems me and my writing and describes it is like she’s seeing the most beautiful and spectacular thing ever through a crystal lens like I’ve always wanted someone to see it. And that in itself makes me heart melt. Someone who taught me what it’s like to feel something beyond my heart. Someone who helped me define a part of myself that no one had ever tapped into and connected with, my soul. Someone that sees so clearly through me like I’m transparent and isn’t scared by anything but allows me to do the same with her. Someone who has so easily been able to stimulate all part of me that have proven to be so hard for others, even unreachable.

Someone who shares so much of what I wanted and my perspectives in life and on what a relationship should be. Someone who truly wants to give me the world and her everything while still being completely patient with me. Someone who wants to give me everything I wanted and doesn’t just say that but actually means that. Give me everything without taking anything from me. Someone who wants to fly with me and not try to keep me on the ground. And to think that I’ve finally found someone that wants to do life with me the way that I love to do it because that’s the way they love it too.

Someone that is more than I could have ever dreamed of or knew that I wanted that I’m still trying to figure out if they’re real or if I’m dreaming still.

A year full of connections. Some meant to last. Some meant to be there for the moment. Some meant to be revived. Strengthened. Let go. Built. Learning how to appreciate in the moment without having any expectations.

A year full of many changes. Coming so far out of my shell. Trying so many new things. Truly not being afraid. Wanted ones along with unexpected but necessary ones. Memories that will last me a lifetime. A year of many trials to feel and to grow never to harm or defeat. A year full of so much life. A year full of so much learning. A year full of discovery. A year full of redefining perspectives. A year full of continuing to uncover to myself who I am, who I want to be, and what I want my life to look like. A year of redefining real love and learning to exhibit it in all aspect of my life while remembering to love myself at the same time. How to really do that and how to really mean it.

"the moment that brought the storm can also bring a rainbow. never let a temporary state push your soul towards hopelessness, processes are continuous, flowing from one to the next in silence. from sunrise to sunset, crescent to full moons, autumn to summer. they are always leading from one to another, yet you only ever see them in moments. let that be a reminded for your being. you are in a process, even on the days everything seems standstill, even on the days you are unable to fully understand where it is that you are heading and what it is that you are seeking. it only ever takes a moment for it to be brought to sight, but the process is everlasting, always ongoing, and always guiding."

-naaveesa

This was a very special year for me. And I wouldn't have wanted to end this decade any differently. A full circle ending to a decade that the first half was very uneventful to the second half being full of so much that led to more growth and discovery than I could have ever imagined. Being thankful for all of it especially the parts that taught me as well as the ones leaving me on cloud nine. A year full of endless perspectives and insight that my eyes were open to seeing.

"I can see now that the purpsose of self-progress is not to pursue perfection, but to move closer to the truth of who we really are, to untangle our deepest fears and doubts, and arrive in that tender, blissful place where we are free to be our purest boundless selves."

-Beau Taplin