A Journey into Unknown Territory

Here we go again. Digging through the weeds of my mind to find some kind of answers. I've been stuck in this crowded, chaotic jungle for to long. It's time for change. I've been wacking away in all directions, no clear target set in view. Just moving in any direction. Trying so desperately to find a way out of this messy hell. I'm tired. I'm lost. I'm broken and depressed. I'm scared of what was and what could be. But something is different this time...

As I've mentioned before, I've been feeling stuck in life for to long. Not just in my career path but in life generally speaking. What am I suppose to do and where am I suppose to go. I lost my job in January of this year. But it wasn't really a loss. I had thought, prayed, and meditated on the decision for weeks at that point and finally came to a conclusion. I needed a break. I am miserable and I need to take a break. So that's what I did. For the first 3 weeks I did nothing. I took care of my kids, I ran the necessary errands needed for survival. But aside from that I stayed home.

When my kids where away, I laid in bed contemplating my life and where I was in the moment. I knew that eventually I would have to make a move again but for the moment, sitting still felt nice. I stopped wacking away aimlessly in all directions and I concentrated on the now. I focused in on what I wanted from life. I focused in on what I knew I loved and what I knew I was capable of doing. I also meditated and prayed more on what ideas and directions I had in front of me. My conclusion? I had to make a very drastic and horrifying change. My whole life I've been fed lies that I had to do whatever possible to stay afloat financially. Even if I hated it. Even if caused me mental and physical discomfort, I had to do it because I had to provide at the cost of my sanity and my personal happiness. Which is what I've been doing. Since I left a previously abusive situation and became what some consider an "independent" or "strong" woman, I've felt anything but that. But now that I've taken some much needed time for me, I've realized life is so much more.

I've used a lot of my newly open time to read, pray, pat extra attention to those I consider inspirations, and simply soak in as much positive thoughts and energy as I can. I've listened to people like Lecrae, his music and interviews and read his book. What a legend. Not only a great African American male role model but a decent Christian man. Someone who has faced his own demons. Someone who has been through so much emotional and mental change and came out of it a beacon of hope. Amanda Gorman, another fantastic legend. She got on that stage on inauguration day and she owned it. Her poem was beautiful and inspiring. And that one moment changed her life and so many other's lives in an instant. I am constantly seeking out new authors, creators, or just interesting people to learn about and read about. I want to hear their stories and I want to see their progress, applaud their progress. SOO many amazing humans on this earth. I want to be one of them too.

A few months out I binge watched a Youtube channel called Unus Annus. Which if I'm being honest was what triggered this life altering turning point in my mind. Two goofy ass men, who primarly do video game play throughs, just being weird, pulled me out of one of my darker episodes of depression. I watched all of their Unus Annus videos and then proceeded to their individual content pages. Ethan Nester (CrankGamePlays) is funny and talented and he tries so hard and is so good at what he does. He is very open about is anxiety and depression and I am so in awe of how he does what he does without letting his mental issues get in the way. And then Mark 'Markiplier' Fischbach. How had I not heard of him before now? He is a creative genious. He started with so little and made it to where he is today. He has done so much for his friends, his fans, and the community in general. He has been my biggest inspiration of late. Don't judge, inspiration can come in some of the craziest places. These people's videos have given me the fire and motivation I need to change my life and try to live up to my potential. Mind you, I don't know what that is exactly, just yet. But I know it's more than just lying around and pitying myself.

I know that I love to write and read. I also love to learn. I'm seeking out different ways to grow my writing skills and get my work out into the world. I also know that I love to help others and wish I could do it more often. So I plan to continue to seek out ways to do that as well. I also enjoy some social media. I love how it reaches so many people. I know it's not all good. I know there is a lot of negativity and bullshit but if used the right way there can be much good in it as well. Just like in humans. I have started an Instagram page. Which, as of now, is just fun artsy stuff I'm doing. I hope to grow it to more in time. I'm also wanting to start a TikTok page or Youtube page centered around helping others. Some ideas being helping bring to light mental health awareness, abuse awareness, ect ect. Whatever I can that may reach those in need of a boost or just help spread otherwise lesser known information.

I don't really know where I'm suppose to start. So I'm just starting. I figure, if it's meant to be, the pieces will eventually fall into place if I stick with it. Or they will lead me to my true calling. My only fear is my own mental health. I too battle with heavy anxiety and depression that comes and goes. I also believe I may have ADHD or something similar. I don't want to lose my fire because the demons in my mind are telling me I can't do it or because I'm self sabotaging and creating problems that aren't there. I've learned that the only way to succeed, the only way to truly change is to move forward. Take that leap no matter how scary because it could very well change your life for the better.

So here I go, stepping of the edge into a fog of unknown. Starting a new journey that could very well be the best thing that ever happened to me.

“I always want to be growing in my craft. Any artist should - whether you paint, whether you do music or film - always grow and study.” -- Lecrae