5:30PM Jazzercize

I shaved my hair off today.

I didn't wake up and decided to, I sat with it for 2 months since I burned my hair, I was patient and willing to see how it could be repaired; the truth is, I knew I could've repaired the damage, there were options, but in my soul I knew that just like my heart, my hair deserved a new relationship with me, and so here we are starting from scratch.

August, September, October and November; 4 and a half months since I last felt sexy, since my worldly desires were watered, 4 and a half months since I last cried over closing a door I knew I wanted to keep open, since then I've held the door knob, I've felt the steam of it's heartbeat and I've chosen, me.

Sex has been in my life since before I gave someone my virginity at age 20, sex has scarred the deepest corners of my body and burn insecurities into my blood line, this body, these curves, this skin, the curve that sits on my lower back, the trials that run from my hair follicles to the ends of my toe nail beds: they all carry strength.

A lot of people will be confused as to why I am comparing my sex life to my hair; my hair has been long and beautiful ever since I was a little girl, my hair, has given me strength through situations I did't think I was strong enough to deal with let alone win; my hair has made me strong like Samson in the Bible, but my sex has made me weak like his Delilah.

When I decided to be celibate, I didn't think that I would last long, I thought that as soon as saw said door, I would melt under it's heat and become weak once more, I didn't take into account the amount of growing pains I would endure in the first few weeks; I was angry, angry enough to avoid the whole world at once, angry enough to walk opposite because I knew that my eyes couldn't meet theirs, I wasn't strong enough to even smell them and be okay and so my anger became my shield, until my Ego fell off in meditation and I felt the relief of meeting their gaze without skipping a beat.

This is not about them; this is about how triggers reveled your true desires, for me, the desire of being celibate and nurturing my body to spiritual health has been heavy on my mind for the last 4 years, but sex gave me comfort, it allowed me to forget about the scars and pretend that pleasure was medicine, when it was poison. Now, I am not saying that sex is poison, my history with sex damaged a lot of my core, and as a child becoming an adult with such damage it wasn't only hard, it was triggering.

My hair fell to my lower back, beautiful dirty blond hair, untouched, virgin, unable to stay in a pony tale or a braid, it was wild at heart, locks of love that were tinted as they wrapped around my abusers hands and became drenched with painful sweat; my virginity and my hair became the only witnesses, they became my addiction and my distraction at the same time, they have been tangled up since I was 12 years old.

Not having sex and being celibate are not the same thing, not having sex is not engaging , while being celibate is choosing to remain true to a commitment you made to self with an intention behind it. I've gone a whole year without having sex, having options to call or text on my phone and during that year I entertained the options, with no intention on giving or receiving, simply because I didn't want to. These last 4 months have eaten me alive, I've never toss and turn on my bed, waking up with sweat on my body because of withdraw. I've never had to worry about my body, my hands, my mouth, betraying me for a minute of moisture.

So today, as I drank my morning coffee, I thought; I want this new beginning with all of me, I want for my future husband to wrapped untouched, virgin hair around his hands while he explorers the new cells that have outgrown the my old skin. Like a snake, I am shedding my skin as the days go by without a drop of poison, I am growing locks of love on my crown, that will hold my new found strength within me, because my environment nor my circumstances would be forcing the strength of Samson in a 12 year old, my strength will come from choosing me.

XOXO

Lucy