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103

Healing

By Lucinet Luna - The Author Published 4 years ago 5 min read
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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Kintsugi changed how I viewed all of my world, it changed how I thought about myself and the process I was currently enduring; it was hard to see outside the box because well, when you are told you are broken a million pieces, how can you possibly sit with patience and begin working at it? how can you take what's left and converted to what is next?

In Kintsugi a bowl, a cloth, a hammer, glue, tape, a filer, paintbrush and golden paint is needed for the end result of a gorgeous ceramic masterpiece; we are the bowl, the cloth is everything we know, the hammer is everything we experience that might break us a bit, the glue is all our principles, all our connections, the tape and the filer are instruments we must use to start healing, and finally the paintbrush and the golden paint are our closure, our farewell signatures because we are no longer broken, we are now a new version of the bowl.

Once I started walking down that mountaintop, I started noticing the rocks on the floor, the accumulation of different textures of dirt, and the forever memory of wanting to dance; but too afraid of falling because I might not have the right shoes? or the right clothes? or the right music? The first layer of healing is the heaviest because you have to decide if you will start or if you will let Ego decide for you that healing might make you look crazy, might take away friendships, might delay opportunities and my favorite it might make you dance alone. Child healing was one of the most memorable parts of healing, I got to meet the most beautiful 6 year old, and I got to dance with her, like no one was watching.

I called her little Lucy, she had been silenced by trauma in my childhood, she was hiding in a room, waiting or maybe hoping that I would find her again someday; and I did. I found her scared, but sure and it made me run because I was afraid that she would close the door on me like I did on her so many years ago; our reunion was the most beautiful, most perfect scene I've ever witness, and it didn't happen overnight, it took months for our bond to shine through, now we are inseparable.

We all have an inner child, we are that child, society tells us that we must act like adults, and while experiencing all the adult crap we lose sight of what makes us dance. When I was 6, my youngest brother was ripped from my arms, and my family got separated, my mom fought for her life in a hospital bed, while I tried to understand what was happening; since I was the only girl I was place with my mother in a rehabilitation center, 6 year old me had to see the strength of 5 to 7 women, broken pieces in a huge house, crying, praying, unable to heal their physical wounds because their emotional wounds were the core of their pain.

I got to know amazing women, women that had loved and were shamed for it; the picture little Lucy gathered from those 7 months, without fault, turned into a tinted vision of how I view love. Some o f the women were there for mental therapy, others for physical; my mom was attacked by a machete, so she had physical therapy to recover movement in her body. She has scars, scars that I grew to love, because those scars allowed me to see her vulnerability at one point; my mom was a broken bowl, but at the end of those 7 months she was a beautiful glue back together by love , golden bowl.

We develop our personality between the ages of 1 and 5 years old, we gain perspective of our environment and we start making visions of how we see the world; finding little Lucy was not a need, it was a must to heal because the personality I developed between 1 and 5 years old, dissolved at 6 years old, without fault.

At 30, I found that needing unconditional love is not love; is a need to patch up all of the insecurities about love and no one, I'll write it again, no one can give you unconditional love but you. I tried to be my mom's hero growing up, forcing that role on myself was a patch so I wouldn't feel, as much; my mom was living this free life and I was in the background afraid of love, insecure about my emotions, and full of needs that were not meant to be filled by anyone but myself. On our first sit down, little Lucy asked me so many questions about love, about freedom, about the future; we spoke for hours, and in very small ways we began healing.

Kintsugi was the way that comforted me the most, changing how I view my childhood trauma was the core of how I viewed unconditional love, self love, self security. Slowly, one connection, one trauma, one emotion at the time, I began shining gold. I am not completely healed, the healing process is not one with an end, is a life journey, is something you do almost automatically in hopes that you keep growing, elevating, finding the beautiful in broken, but I've come to love, and to see love so differently; Love no longer makes me feel broken, but the opposite it makes me feel whole.

XOXO

Lucy

healing
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About the Creator

Lucinet Luna - The Author

I've written two books; I decided to keep my blog, because healing is like an onion and I want to see the process, I want to be able to come back and read about all these layers and feel as proud as I am right now.

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