Masquerading Masculinity

Where to begin? I never expected to write an article like this. However, I just listened to the sixth episode of Behind the Bastards on Andrew Tate. It is an unfortunate reality of the world that “men” like him exist in the world. And will continue to pop up from time to time until men learn to deal with their issues in a healthy way. So, how do you do this? How does one become a man?

First, you must discard all notions of how men conceive of masculinity. Why? Because the version of masculinity and manhood taught to us as boys of what being a man is not the same way most women define what a man is.

Second, you will never be perfect at all of these. I am not. Life is a continuous struggle towards becoming the best version of yourself. Am I the best person to write this article? Perhaps not. I am the one willing to say it? Yes. And I do my best to live by what I say.

Women Define What a Man is Different From Us

How do I know women define what a man is different from us? I know because I am lucky enough to have great women in my life. And the rest comes from knowledge gained from a combination of experience, observation, and a lot of lessons learned the hard way. And often having women in my life straight up telling me what qualities they seek. Or, in some cases, telling me what good qualities they see in me. This last one is important, because if you have no one in your life that will give you good feedback, there is no way for you to grow.

This is not a guide to help you get women, or whomever you may be into. No, this is what all the terrible male influences in the world won’t tell you about what it means to become a man. And yes, I mean become a man. Because here’s the first thing they won’t tell you.

Becoming a man is not a matter of age. It is a matter of maturity and mindset. Thus, why the world is full of grown “men” ranging in age from 20s to the end of their lives that are still nothing more than a man-child.

Men Are Forged

I realize that this may seem odd, given the title and tone of this article. Yet, it is the reality. But what does it mean to forge a man? Especially in the modern era, where human males are unlikely to have done physical labor, much less slaved in front of any kind of forge.

When forging something, you are taking something unrefined, and turning it into something better than it was in its raw form. You are taking out impurities, and putting in elements that will strengthen it.

This is the thing you will have to do with yourself. You will have to find your flaws, and you will have to work on them.

That is the first thing that many of these so-called “influencers” won’t tell you. We all have flaws. Every last person on this earth has something they need to work on. It is those that make no attempt to work on them that will stay stunted, and achieve far less than those that do.

Humble Yourself Before the World

Here’s the reality that will hurt a lot of feelings. You are not special. We can become special in certain ways, or by things we do or experience. But you were not born inherently more special or important than anyone else in the world.

Some people are born into circumstances that allow them to follow their dreams and desires. But that is an accident of birth, not divine intervention. Most people in the world work jobs they don’t like, and have little time outside of that for their passions.

If you are one of those lucky few that were born into a family with enough material wealth to follow your desires, congratulations. But, there is a reason why there is an archetype of a character having the hubris beat out of them in various ways. Unfortunately, some never learn this lesson.

Learn to be humble in your success. Learn to recognize that the myth of the self-made man, woman, millionaire, etcetera is just that, a myth. There is a cast of people that have supported you throughout your life that have made your success happen, it is not through your actions alone.

Remember Your Goals

Remember your goals, not the goals the world and society expect from you. What did you want to be when you were a kid? Did you want to be a crypto millionaire?

Probably not. Chances are crypto didn’t exist then. And if it did, it’s doubtful you were aware of what it was. Find what actually makes you happy, and pursue that. You're going to have to put in a lot of hard work to meet your goals. There is no waking up to everything being handed to you for most people.

So, how do you do this?

Small Steps Towards Success

Most, if not all, know the Laozi proverb, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” The path to any kind of success, whether career, personal, or relationships is paved with work and pain. It is paved with disappointment and things that can only be learned by occasionally doing the wrong thing. The only bad choice or mistake is the one that you didn’t learn from.

There is no shortcut or “hack” that will get you the things that you want. You’re going to have to work for everything your heart desires. You’re going to have to read some books, watch some videos, do some research, and learn to talk to people who aren't your friends and family in a way that is respectful and professional. Or stay in the life you’re leading now.

Life Changes, So Can Your Goals and Priorities. Understand What Success Means to You

This is something you learn as you get older. Life changes. What your goals and aspirations were in your teens and early twenties are not always going to be the same later. The key to setting your priorities and goals is to find the things that enrich your life. They may not make you materially rich, but none of that matters when you have the life that someone wishes they had.

Happiness is Learned

Happiness is a learned trait. This is one of the hardest things you will ever learn. There is nothing external to you that will ever make you happy or fulfilled, if you cannot learn to be happy with what you have. There is no amount of money, cars, or promotions that will fill the void of happiness if you can’t first learn how to be happy with what you have.

Also, your happiness is not dependent upon other people. Other people are not here to make you happy. They can make you happy. They can do things that make you feel happy. But if you are not happy without them or those things, that happiness will be ephemeral.

Fix Yourself

Nobody cares how good you are at fixing cars, or anything else if you have nothing else to offer. The people in your life can always find someone else to fulfill their material needs. If you are the kind of person that expects something back every time you do something for someone, then you are broken. Nobody wants to be around someone whose relationship with them is entirely transactional.

Learn what your faults are, and work to become a better version of you.

Who Do You Spend Time With?

Who you spend time with matters more than you think. Nobody should give, nor should you expect praise for the small tasks that are on the way to achieving your goals. Just get up, go to work or school, and do what you have to do to meet those goals.

Ask yourself, do you have friends that will tell you the things you don’t want to hear? If you don’t, those aren’t your friends. Anyone willing to always placate your feelings is not helping you grow and become better. They are only serving to keep you where you are. And whether consciously or not, they’re probably doing it for selfish reasons. They don’t want to be alone sitting in their house being the only one watching their life pass them by.

A good friend, or family member, will love you enough to tell you your faults without being cruel. They will push you to be better. Anyone not doing this is someone you need to spend less time with or cut out of your life. Find people that are invested in your success.

Don’t Be the Obstacle to Your Success

Just as others can be an obstacle to your success, so can you. Many of us have traumas from our childhood. Society teaches us to drown our sorrows in drugs and booze. Or that we are nothing more than what we can physically provide for others.

Go to therapy. It can be difficult to afford and scheduling can be hard, however, there are more options now than at any other time. If something is the reason why you want to drink or do drugs, that’s something to seek therapy for. Find something that will fill your time better than just sitting in front of a screen. There are many better things to do in life that require little to no money. The library is free. Going to the park is free. You might just meet someone with the same interests as you there.

Find the help you need, so that you aren’t the obstacle to your own success.

Do Something for Someone That Can’t Return the Favor

This is one of the simplest. Do something for someone that can’t return the favor. It doesn’t matter what it is. Give a homeless person a meal. Take clothes to a homeless shelter. Don’t claim those on your taxes, give them your name or anything. Simply do it because it is the right thing.

Need vs Want

You need to eat. You need someone to make food. But you don’t need someone else to do it. You’re fully capable of making your food. And if you’re not, learn. You should be fully independent.

You might not cook great. It doesn’t have to be gourmet. But at least be competent at basic things. Practice. There are too many ways to learn how to cook now for you to be lazy.

Learning the difference between needing and wanting something is one of the most important things to learn in life, whether it's a relationship or anything else. Nobody wants to be treated as an object. They want you to take an interest in them. In their experiences. Take interest in their interests. What makes them happy? What upsets them? What do you remember about them? Can you have a conversation with them, and remember something from that conversation two months later to give them a gift? Do you remember what the stranger at the market told you yesterday about the meaning of their tattoos?

If you start to treat people in this way, they will want to be in your life. That is how you find someone that wants to be with you. This is the opposite of what “influencers” do. They take what people need, often material things, and they use it as a weapon to keep them in their lives. This is not how most people operate. That is why whenever a person can no longer fill those needs, they leave.

You won’t have a fulfilling relationship with someone that is only there as long as you fill their needs. And they probably won’t wait for you to be broke for it to happen. Someone that wants to be with you will stay no matter how good you are doing materially.

Listen, Don’t Hear

When someone is speaking to you, especially if it is someone you’re trying to court or are in a relationship with, listen to them. Hearing is not listening. Hearing is passive. Listening requires you to stop thinking about whatever you were thinking beforehand, or what you're waiting to say and retain what the other person is saying. This is important to do with everyone. But it is especially important with someone you are, or want to be in a relationship with.

Just like wants vs needs, nobody wants to be with someone that doesn’t listen to them. Have you ever told someone something you were very excited about, only to have them ask you to repeat the last fifteen minutes of what you were just talking about? Doesn’t feel good, and it makes you disconnected from that person.

Confidence

There is no “hack” you can ever learn that will give the confidence of self-assurance. It’s the kind of confidence that comes with being comfortable with yourself. There is no amount of money in the world that can buy that confidence. There will still be things that make you uncomfortable, or aren’t for you, but having the confidence to be upfront about those things is better than trying to hide them, and becoming resentful of those that don’t need to hide their fears or discomforts.

The Protector

Men are taught that we are the protectors of our families. And while that is true. There is nothing more important than learning to protect them from yourself.

What does this mean? I mean you have to learn to separate your problems from everything else. Leave your problems at work. Stop taking out whatever issues you have on other people. You are the most important person to protect your family from, because you are the one that they look to to be there for them. They don’t need your abuse. And just because you may have been abused is no excuse to continue the cycle. This goes back to the point of getting therapy.

Do You Find Them Attractive? Or Are You Attracted to Them?

Learning the difference between finding someone attractive, and being attracted to someone is very important. One is a reflection of how you feel about their exterior appearance. The other is learning to look at someone with your inner eye. The eye of love. This is the eye that lets you see them for the wonderful person they are, and everything they bring to your life.

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