Melting my emotions on the page
From months of pain and rage
The longest year I’ve had in a long time
Perhaps ever
Death
Mistakes
Fights to survive
Unconfronted terrors
Cast into the wilderness
A bewildering loneliness far from home
Seeking counsel every week
To overcome the weaknesses and lies I’ve told myself
Cut off from my support again
But at last I have made some friends
Oh thank god
It’s about to end
Another turn
A twist of circumstances
A spate of strange occurrences
Is this random coincidences or is it fate
Avoiding thoughts of the universe throwing us together
What are the odds that we keep running into each other
Someone so similar to me in experience and tastes
It’s like looking at my face through a stranger's eyes
Too much strangeness in one place
I don’t know what to do
I’m trapped here
And all I want to do is be with you
Rotting in thoughts of wishing for my selfish desires
Only to find them half-fulfilled
Oh, this can’t be real
Peering into your eyes
This can’t be happening
Remembering dreams of a past future
Remembering the day the wave crashed over us
Thrusting us nearer and nearer to the precipice
But you’re gone now
Loneliness and pain are at it again
Rotting my brain
Is this what it’s like to slowly go insane
Wondering when it will end
Watching an unworthy foe fall
A short escape
And now they call me
Escape is imminent
Finally freedom
Escape from this prison of paradise others find so nice
Arriving at my new home
Expecting it all to melt away
But the struggle continues
Caught in a trap between two worlds
Rowing against the tide
Seeing a familiar face I didn’t expect to see
It’s not her, but too close for comfort
Avoid, avoid, avoid
Avoid at all costs
I don’t need this
Not here
Not now
Missing her
The one I loved first
The one I turned to when everything felt the worst
Missing her comfort
Calling out but she is silent now
And he’s not much of a talker
He thinks we only called to talk to her
But I always wished he would open up
Our trips to nowhere were always the best
At last, the worst of the tests are over
Now onto the daily grind
But there’s more to help me lose my mind
Pretending all is fine
Oh what do I find
A rotting mound of incompetence and laziness
Ignorance of the worst kind
An unwilling mind
Indecision
A culture of fear and unhappiness
An abyss of solitude is the reigning attitude
No one to turn to
They tell me I should’ve planned
Or just be a man
Hollow sentiments from those who will never understand
None of this was the plan
I thought I’d be elsewhere long ago
Living a dream
But we are trapped here for now
Until we can find an exit
An escape from this reality
Is it all an illusion
Missing her again
Another reminder
Just slowly wondering
Shuffling from one task to another
Just wanting to get out
From beneath this behemoth
It’s all in your mind
It’s all in your mind
I tell myself
It’s not that bad
Look at all the wealth you have
But it’s for nothing
If the wealth you seek is the happiness and freedom you once had
The little taste you had before you left
The short time things felt the best
When you thought all was great
Before the of year of 558
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Comments (2)
This takes me back to the song (with reprise) in Sondheim's "Into the Woods": "Agony"!
This is such a pervasive loss.