Things I've learned after gaining all the weight I've lost (Part 1)

1. Determination isn't sustainable

I was 18 in 2013 and like many others, I wanted to lose weight and as a new year's resolution I said heck it, let's do it. I was overweight throughout my childhood and I needed a win for myself after going through heartbreak. I was going to prove to everyone that I could do it. I started with the infamous Jilian Michael's 30 day shred.

I didn't know what I was doing but I tried my best.

It hurt but, I kept on going.

I counted calories and was extremely conscious of what I ate. I remember being constantly hungry even after drinking so much water. See, I had a goal and I was determined to lose weight for the first time in my life, no matter what.

I just needed a win.

I saw fast changes in my body, lost 8kg in 3 months and it was partly attributed to the fact that I had that much fat to lose. Over the course of a few months, I began to relax a little, and my weight plateaued. I wasn't losing any more weight at that point.

I kept off the weight for a few years but slowly, with my burning desire to lose weight subsiding, I found myself slowly gaining all the weight that I had lost. This was especially so as I started an office job and thus began the peak of my weight gain. By the end of 2019, I had fully regained all my weight and then some.

2. Losing weight didn't magically fix my body image and self-esteem issues

I struggled with body image issues throughout my life in that I thought I was a lot bigger than what I actually was – when I looked in the mirror I physically see a body that's 3 times my actual size. I've been told that I was fat my whole life and I was genuinely accepting of it, I mean yeah, I was overweight – it was a fact much like how I'm short.

Despite accepting that fact of life, I held deep shame and guilt tied to how my body looked and I vividly remember even as young as 6 years old how embarrassed I was for my siblings that they had a sister who was fat and ugly. I still dislike looking people in the eye to this day but that's for my therapist to unpack.

Working out and losing weight did actually help me with those issues and I felt a lot better about my body. I can now look at my naked self in the mirror, yay! I can hold longer eye contact, yay!

It's not the end all be all though.

In retrospect, losing weight was the starting point for me to begin addressing those body issues. That is utterly apparent to me, only now that I've gained all the weight back but in that process, I've also gained much of my body positivity and self-confidence.

I'm still very much a work in progress but who isn't.

3. Find what works for you

Exercising and trying to live a healthier lifestyle shouldn't feel like a chore or a punishment. I've been there – counting the clock to when my next meal would be or when my workout would end. I would try my best to savour my food because I knew it'd be a while till my next one. As a treat, I would allow myself exactly 3 Loacker Quadratini, even as I'm writing this I know how sad this sounds like.

This point goes back to sustainability; experiment with what you like doing be it yoga, pilates, HIIT, zumba, lifting, and if you don't like something after giving it a shot, stop doing it and find an alternative that you do like. There are many ways to achieve the same goal.

For example, dancing and kickboxing are both really great cardio workouts but I hate dancing. If I did a fitness program and I had to do a dancing workout as part of it daily, I will quit so fast.

Finding out what you like best will motivate you so much more and you'll look forward to doing it and actively progressing through it.

I'm currently back on my fitness journey and thankfully I've done enough things that I dislike to know what programs would suit me best. It's been 2 months of consistently working out and it's been great! It hasn't felt like a chore at all. Mentally, I'm the strongest that I've ever been and it's all part of building a sustainable habit that will not burn me out.