The Pill and the Polyp

This article isn't about sex. I know, I know. You're disappointed. Me too. But all the best writers say to write about what you know, and to this day, I know very little about sex. Not long after getting my bachelor's degree, I was safely married and out of sin's way. I had a whopping total of two sexual encounters before I met my first husband.

The pregnancy fear was always with me... even if nothing had happened that could have made me thus. It was a true paranoia. Eventually, I went on the pill, and that's when my body first rebelled, though at the time I didn't realize it. Being on the pill gave me a modicum of relief from my fears of getting pregnant... as long as I kept getting my period. When I was even a day late, I was consumed with dread until I saw red. I don't know why it was such a nightmarish thought for me. To this day even! Only now, I don't have to worry about it because my 2nd husband is snipped. Well, that and we're getting divorced.

When I say my body rebelled against the pill, I am referring to severe acne. Until that time, I had a pimple or two like every other teenager. Now, I was a college kid with a face like the proverbial pizza. It was so horrifying. And despite stopping the pill and trying different types, the acne never went away until much, much later. I often wondered if acne wasn't my "red letter." Yes, I'm a fallen women. I am on the pill and it's written all over my face. Having acne was an excruciating experience... the absolute worst.

But I think my body rebelled in other ways to the pill too, because it was about the time I started playing God with my own hormones that I experienced interesting mood changes around my periods. At the time, I called it PMS. But it wasn't the same PMS I had come to know as a younger women... the leaden legs, the irritability, the moodiness and cravings. This was different. I couldn't bear to be around anyone the days before my period. I felt like I was crawling out of my skin.

As the years of my life flew by, it was about 5 years into my marriage when I started having unbelievable cramps from hell. I would double over in pain, unable to move, rocking myself on the toilet, one hand reaching under a running cold-water tap. Sweat would pour off my burning body only to be replaced by icy chills. And then... poof! I'd be fine. Exhausted, but fine.

This went on for a year or two, gradually getting worse with time. My first ex took me to the hospital at one point where the ER ignored me for a good hour or two while I writhed on their floor screaming. They didn't even offer me a pain pill. The worst of the pain had passed when they finally called me in. X-rays and sonograms revealed nothing. So they gave me an enema. Hey, when all else fails!

It wasn't until several months later, and I kid you not, when I went to see a Tibetan monk that a miracle occurred. It went something like this:

I was called into a small office that had been set up for three or four maroon and saffron robed monks. They were sitting in chairs and motioned for me to sit in one. I don't remember saying anything. One of them looked at me and then began a series of chants. Before I left, he gave me some tiny little pellets to put in my drinking water... he said they were very precious particles from masters. I did as I was told.

A day later when I went to the toilet, something dropped right out of me. It was a uterine polyp. Plop! Right into the toilet. Needless to say, my OBGYN was rather astonished when I showed up bearing this thing. After that, I never, ever had cramps like that again. But the dysphoria unfortunately remained as regular as my period.

(Did you miss Part I? Read it here.)