The Pain of Anger

I have anger issues. I admit it. The urban dictionary explains them as: "a problem one has controlling his/her temper over trite and trivial concerns." I somewhat agree with this. Not all my concerns that upset me are trivial, but thats not why I'm writing this.

I'm writing this to shed a light on how painful it is to have true anger issues. I have had anger issues since I was probably 16 or 17 years old. But as I've grown older, it's just gotten worse and harder to control.

So, about the source of my anger. When I was young, I was constantly told that crying was a weakness. Throughout the years, a certain member of my family mentally and emotionally abused the person I practically worship like a Goddess, my mother. I began to turn to anger instead of crying.

I would watch my mother be in pain, crying, broken, on top of dealing with her leukemia, and countless other things, on top of this guys abuse. So crying wasn't the tough thing to do? OK, well I substituted all these feelings right into my anger department. And eventually, it all piled up.

When it happens... you know it, because it's SO painful to not let it out. And no, we can't just scream into a pillow. That is classic Hollywood bull. No, the pain is excruciating. It's paralyzing. You either let it out in screams, breaking stuff, a blind rage brought on by el diablo himself, or you lay there in pain.

Let me explain this pain. As you lay there, you feel overheated, irritated, like an itch you can't scratch. But that itch is where a huge imaginary gash is on the side of your body, where blood is pouring out. It gets sticky from the blood, and smells of rust.

This pain festers; you can literally feel it brewing inside you. And all you can do is cry or continually scream. Sometimes it helps to stay in a balled up position till the pain subsides. But it can last hours.

This anger isn't just that. No. It bleeds into your dreams, the way you see things, the way you act as a person, it makes you bitter. It makes you filled with hate. It acts like an infection to your blood that can't be cured. And it pops up at any given moment.

Most people with the same issues as me don't talk about it, because it feels shameful. It does. As I'm writing this, I can't help but feel ashamed of these issues I have. And some of you will say, "oh dear, you should never feel bad about that!" Let me tell you a secret: that doesn't help anything. Besides irritate us because most people truly do not get it.

I recall so many countless times where I was curled up on my bed, crying from the pain of being so pissed, and my mother came and held me, rocked me, and told me it was OK. That kind of acceptance alone helped me feel a little better. And then she put her hand on my forehead, and within about 15 minutes, most of my anger dissipated.

Most of the time when I get over the edge of that cliff of fire, I ask my mother to help me. But that does not mean that it lessens the chance of it happening. It pops up whenever it pleases. For whatever reason it feels like. Because that's what the "issues" part is.

Control. We don't have it. At least, not most of the time. When we get upset, it's like a snowball rolling down a mountain covered in snow. It can be stopped, but it needs a lot of help and guidance. And not just from anyone. Someone that we trust, someone that truly gets us and understands when we can't control it.

Another thing that you may not realize is where this anger leads. You heard me when I said it's like an infection, yes? Well, anger issues lead to so many other things. Mostly it starts with crippling depression. Also leading to health issues, bad mental stability, sometimes involuntary suicidal thoughts, and bad life decisions based on impulse. We all have these, eventually. It honestly depends on when or how we get them.

My bottom line is this: if you know someone with anger issues, or you meet someone new with them, just be conscious and understanding of the everyday wars they have to fight within themselves. Thats all we want besides help to feel better.

We aren't all bad people. We just have extremely aggressive demons to fight. And sometimes we don't win. These are facts, coming from the mouth and brain of someone who suffers from it every day of her life.