The Last 5 Years of Life Have Been Fantastic

Moments.

They whisk past us so fast you will miss the best ones if you shut your eyes for only a second.

It's just awful. The glorification of busyness and hustle culture at the present time. It's robbing us of personal times of introspection and reflection. We hardly sit down and take an inventory of our lives. We're constantly on the move, chasing after the next big break. We wear busyness like it's a badge of honour. 

For me, everything about it sucks.

Embracing that awareness, I took a leave of absence for three days. I abandoned the bustling city for a quiet location only a 3-hour drive away from the city.

A much needed three days away from work and busyness. Whiles away, I used the time and quiet to take an account of my life these past five years.

To put it in context, this is five years after graduating with a BSc in Computer Science. Five years navigating a full-time corporate career as a Software Engineer. In this five years period, I moved out of the family home after botching the idea consistently for three solid years. After I moved out, I picked up cooking and fell in love with it. Oh! I almost forgot, my girlfriend, she dumped me in the month of Valentine's. How about that for a heartbreak? 

I considered my life these past five years. Reflecting, the years appeared long yet short at the same time. I mused about my wins and losses.

In 2019, I experienced the worst tragedy of my life - I lost my beloved mom. Just this week, I received a call from my dad that my uncle, my mom's brother, has also passed away. Dealing with loss and grief has been a major part of my existence these past few years. 

For wins, there's been more than I planned for. Both big wins and small wins. It's tempting to dismiss the small wins and focus on celebrating the grande ones. But I've consciously been celebrating every win - big or small.

In these past five years, here are some of the important life changes I made that I'm proud of.

1. I began owning my time

The death of my beloved mom jogged my brain, reminding me of an important lesson about time and life.

In life, only this present moment counts. Nobody is promised the next moment. So if you are going to live, then you better live now.

After her death, every waking day was me wishing desperately for her presence. Wishing she could be here to experience my growth and transformation. The void never sealed. And the grief learned to live quietly within me. But occasionally, certain moments and experiences ruffle it, and the pain and sorrow bubble right back to the surface.

Every day, I wish hopelessly that the universe will hear the longing of my heart and respond. But I know it's an impossible request. What remains possible, though, is continuously experiencing the fond memories I shared with her.

Death thought me we came into this earth alone, and alone we shall all go despite the longing in the hearts of loving relatives and friends.

These last five years, I put a premium on my time. I help up a placard with a conspicuous "NO" written on it. I presented it to so many people. Some received it well. Many received the message with disappointment, and others with scorn.

Having an agreeableness personality trait made the experience difficult. Learning to say NO and standing by that word was difficult. Early on, I said NO but without the resolve to follow through on it. My intrinsic, emotional, and empathetic self often prevailed. It often felt like a duel with me.

I learned rather excruciatingly how to defy my emotions to stand by my NOs. Consciously, I learned to apply logic and reason to how and when I spent my time and energy. I also prioritized self-care. Fulfilment and satisfaction were front and centre in the activities I committed my time and energy to.

I learned courage and improved my self-confidence. These two elements were central to my successes being able to say and stand by it. I convinced myself to believe that the momentary discomfort I experience when saying NO is unavoidable. But it sure will serve a greater purpose and yield greater results - I will become happier, free and alive. Able to live in the moment, without regrets.

And hopefully, one day on my deathbed, I will smile with fewer regrets.

2. I became a team player

I've always been a lone wolf. At the university, I detested group projects and assignments. Group activities were nothing but a waste of time. Nothing really happens during group meetings and discussions. Only frivolous chatters and banters, about sex, fashion and whatnot.

Working alone always seemed like the path with little friction. You make all the decisions. You control the entire execution process. No bottlenecks. You can cut corners to reach results without outside advisement.

Working with others, you're presented with inherent communication problems. For one, you must communicate clearly (maybe a little heartily too and with empathy).

Effective communication is important. You must ensure the other parties involved in the exchange are on the same page. Back then, teamwork appeared bureaucratic and slow. Nothing about it screamed productivity. It carried no appeal.

But this has changed in these past five years. Corporate life takes credit for this shift in my mindset. In the past five years, I've been privileged to assume leadership and mentorship roles. These opportunities brought me full circle to this changing mindset.

In the university, I could boycott group discussions and meetings. In the corporate world, becoming a manager and lead developer meant I became responsible for building teams for projects. To achieve success meant working with others. Facilitating collaboration and communications effectively with team members.

3. I became intentionally curious

When people say they are curious, this is what they really mean.

They enjoy doing activities in a particular space. They are intrigued to know more about everything and anything within and surrounding that space. Whatever lies far beyond is uninteresting to them. And they don't care about them.

That right there was me about seven years ago. I only consumed content directly related to my primary interests. I only invested time and money in my curiosities. The problem was, my curiosities were few and parameterized. The confines of my curiosity were around the things I loved doing - music and writing.

I was disinterested in sport, politics, geography, psychology - this list is endless.

But this changed in the last five years. I picked up what I call intentional curiosity.

Intentional curiosity introduces a spin to curiosity. You are not only curious about the things immediate and around you. No. You outstretch yourself, your mind, your interests. You dabble in the experiences you hate. You validate them through firsthand experiences. You push yourself outside your comfort zone. You challenge yourself and plunge headfirst into murky waters. You engage in activities you have little or no (intrinsic) skills in.

These last five years I began to explore the unfamiliar. Just scratching surfaces a bit to see what's there. For some, I concluded they were not for me. But for others, I found a pleasant interest to keep exploring further.

Being intentionally curious is painful. It warps your brain, forcing it to travel on pathways it usually wouldn't. It takes considerable effort - both physically and mentally. Even emotionally sometimes.

But the rewards and outcomes squash any pain and discomfort experienced. You increase both breadth and depth of your knowledge and experiences. It makes you sociable and relatable. You can hold conversations without sounding bland and shallow.

Intentional curiosity increases your self-confidence. Abundant knowledge and rich experiences parallel a better sense of self. And this enriched self, others, will consider being self-confident and competent.

4. I (finally) mastered the multiplication tables

Yeah! Go ahead, raise those thick eyebrows, my friend.

I know this appears trivial. But it's a big deal for me.

Here is why.

Multiplication tables brought me immense misery in senior high school. I had a massive challenge learning it. Even with whips on my back and teary eyes, I still couldn't figure it out.

Today, I understand why I couldn't master it. Much of my challenge then chalked up to missing incentives. A missing why. Why do I have to master the multiplication tables?

I failed to master the multiplication table, not because I was dumb. Fact, I was among the best students - always among the top five.

The real problem was outside of me. Now point a finger at my tutors and the educational system. The educational system in my country is kaput. You can ask anybody that comes from Ghana. It is entirely rote learning. Students cram enough to pass exams and forget months later.

My problem then was, I was a square peg being pushed into a round hole. It didn't work. I was different. Ask me the same question about a specific subject and each time I'll give you a tad different answer than before. I express differently with increasing insight into the things I know. I appreciate learning better when I can find utility and value in and around what I'm learning.

Having failed to master the multiplication table in high school, I became cringe. I shied away from activities that demanded crunching numbers and performing mental arithmetic on the spot. Given me ample time, and sure, I will present you with excellent results. But on the spot, I shake like a leave. My mind goes ballistics.

This changed these few years. I finally discovered the right incentive. To master the multiplications tables, with no whips on my back and tears in my eyes.

The incentives were all around me. Mastery of the multiplication table underscores almost every activity - buying, selling, budgeting, haggling, you name it.

Even in my career as a Software Engineer, a solid grip on the multiplication tables comes in handy. Being arithmetically smart makes you a tad better as an engineer. You can crunch numbers on the spot without always reaching out for a calculator.

Mastering the multiplication table became pleasantly easier when I found the right incentives. Learning is easier when you first find a reason, an incentive, some value, and utility in whatever you are learning.

Not excruciating hours of rote learning, only to forget after a few days or best months.

Attaching utility to studies simplifies the mind's absorption and recollection process.

Maybe you're thinking I'm being dramatic. Yeah! Maybe.

Did you just ask me what is 9 * 6?

That's funny (with a grin). Well, 9 * 6 is 54.

Closing Thoughts

Changing your life will demand time, effort, and commitment. But nothing is impossible if you set your heart and mind to it. 

My story here is only to inspire you to start your own transformation journey. If you haven't already started, now is the time. And if you have, congratulations. Now take some time off and perform some introspection and reflection on the past years of your life. I'm sure you will be surprised by how much has changed.

Once again, to inspire you, here are the four life changes I went through these last few years I'm super proud of.

1. I began owning my time
2. I became a team player
3. I became intentionally curious
4. I (finally) mastered the multiplication tables