The Gym: Embracing My Love/Hate Relationship

I was always an active child. I think growing up I tried every single sport that a kid can possibly do. Only two actually stuck: softball and volleyball. If I wasn’t at volleyball practice, I was at a softball game or supporting my brother with his sports. Sports and being active just ran in my family, and I’m so grateful that this healthy lifestyle was ingrained in my head at a young age. I do like working out. I just have a weird relationship with it.

I stopped playing sports in high school because I got really into my first passion: music and theatre. When I stopped practicing and started singing, I started gaining some weight and losing some self-confidence. I joined the gym in my hometown when I was 16 years old.

I think everyone can relate to this next statement... the gym is a confusing and intimidating place for people that don’t understand it or have the confidence to ask questions. As a 16-year-old, I’d aimlessly walk around the gym wondering what these machines actually did. At 18 years old (and still confused about the gym), I got a personal trainer. For anyone wondering about personal training, I recommend doing it. I still use the workouts and circuits at 26 years old that I did with my trainer at 18 years old. It really helped me gain my confidence in the gym. It was pricey, but worth investing in. I learned more about the gym and that really sparked my love for exercise.

When I moved to college, I was so determined to not gain the “freshman fifteen” and worked out constantly. After my freshman year, that’s when things changed in my mind about working out. During the summer, I would be in the gym for 2 hours a day and eat really healthy. I was losing weight and my clothes were too big for me. But I wasn’t proud of my accomplishments, I just wanted to lose more weight, tone more of my body, and eat less. I come from a big Italian family, and we love to eat (and pretty much every nationality loves to eat, but the Italians love their carbs). There would be plates and large bowls of pasta, pizza, Italian sausage, garlic bread... really anything with carbs and lots of cheese. My dad makes amazing meals for us regularly. However, during this time, I wasn’t enjoying these meals. I would eat a small portion and then talk really negatively about how stupid I am for eating a bowl of pasta. I then would work out longer in the gym the following day. This happened for the entire summer. I was losing weight but never proud of my body and always just trying to look thinner.

I went back to school and started gaining weight again. I then started to do the exact opposite. I stop working out all together and ate really unhealthy. I saw all my hard work over the summer just fade away. I started to feel bad and talk negatively towards my body and just kind of gave up on the gym. This “cycle” happened 6 or 7 times throughout my younger 20s. I would go months as a regular at the gym and then just kind of give up on exercising since I wasn’t seeing the results I wanted to see.

It wasn’t until recently I had one of those eye-opening inner conversations with myself. I remember thinking I have felt miserable about my body for years and that hasn’t helped me at all, why don’t I just start to love how it looks right in this moment. I remember looking in my mirror and crying because I realized I never actually look at myself in the mirror. I avoid my reflection by all means possible and never look at myself in just my bra and underwear. This was my changing moment where I just wanted to feel happy in my own body.

I moved cities and joined a gym. First thing that was asked when I joined this gym was “what’s your fitness goals?” I looked at him and told him, “Absolutely none. I just want to feel good in my body and enjoy myself.” I work out regularly now. It’s still a learning process, but I have been much better at catching myself when I look in the mirror and not happy with what I see. Or when I want to eat a delicious bowl of pasta or when I want a lazy day in bed or watching Netflix, I no longer feel guilty about not going to the gym that day or having an “unhealthy” meal.

I do what I can, but at the end of the day, it’s how you feel about yourself. Working out for me is therapeutic. I like to see my body build strength and I love being able to walk up the CTA steps without dying before catching the train (my fellow Chicagoans can relate). I tossed the idea of “fitness goals,” losing weight, being below a size 10 and under 170 pounds out the window and just started enjoying my life the way it is right in this moment.