The First 100 Days of My Quest to Reclaim My Health

So, Mark McCandless of Team McCandless challenged me to a “Getting Healthy” contest, since we are both fat disgusting pigs not too far a walk off from death who desperately need to permanently change our lifestyles to something involving less candy and deep fried meat. Which is probably why he challenged me to this particular contest, because he knew I’m the one person so competitive, it doesn’t matter how badly I don’t want to quit eating Arby’s, given my ego is larger than my massively grotesque gut, I refuse to turn down competition. While the official start date was on October 1st, I decided to give Mark a 15 day head start. I like to do little things like that in a competition, things I shouldn't, because it increases the effectiveness of my gloating after I win. Here’s the plan for my first 100 days. Yes, I'm not fully beginning everything until October 15th, although I will be slowly getting my body used to doing things besides sleeping, eating and working in front of a computer.

For this contest, or at least the first 100 days of me competing, I'm going to be doing a carb cycling routine I’ve calculated for myself based on research from not only various carb cycling theories, but nutritional data as well. If you've never been to the site before, whfoods.org is one of the most educational places on the entirety of the internet. On the first day of a cycle, for three days I will only allow myself avocados, vegetables, nuts and seafood. The next two days I can only eat quinoa, brown rice, fruits, beans and carrots. Then two days of the high fat diet with the following three reverting back to the high carb. I’d repeat this “3-2-2-3” carb cycling schedule, which obviously equals up to 10 days, four times essentially before mixing things up. The first and third times through, the last three day block will follow the carb diet, while the second and fourth will fall on the high fat diet. On that fourth ten day block, I won’t do “3-2-2-3” though, but a “3-2-2-10-3-3-2-2-3” instead.

Does that not automatically make sense to you? *Sigh* Okay, so my final 10 day block will become a 20 day block, instead of ending the final cycle with 3 days of the high fat diet, I'll do 10 whole days high fat, shocking my metabolism like it's a nun watching The Human Centipede 2. I'll have 3 days of high carbs headed my way after the massive fat fest, which then ends the 20 days cycle, leaving me free to do the whole thing all over again. I plan on following this diet for the first 100 days of this year long challenge, and then I will re-evaluate where I am at in my body transformation. Additionally, I will be having one to two protein shakes each day, depending how much time I get to pump. On high fat days I will be using Isopure, since it has zero carbs. While on my high carb days, I will be using whatever random crap they had cheap at Marshalls or T.J. Maxx, because Isopure is expensive in comparison to random crap at discount stores. The high end product is worth it, don't get me wrong. It definitely isn't an overpriced. However, I'm cheap AF so.....

A full keto plan is something I'll be avoiding for two reasons. First, I really hate the feeling. I’ve done it before, and lost a lot of weight sure, but I lacked the normal pep in my step I carry. My jokes weren't as good, my reflexes a bit slower. Also, since Mark is doing his keto/carnivore thing, I want to tackle this challenge with a different approach, so I can mock not just his losing, but his overall plan. It’s a gamble; I’ve never done carb cycling before and have no idea what it’s going to do to my body, mind or soul. Still, it’ll be interesting to find out, and I can always call an audible if I’m just constantly super sick. People call audibles all the time, that’s why people who quit smoking usually have done so more than once.

As far as my exercise routine goes, I’m going to flip a coin everyday. I have had luck keeping my muscles in constant shock for some extreme growth back in the day, long before I became a fat lazy slob, but I’m not really going for size this time around. I’m older, wiser, and less insecure, so I’m going more for healthy, toned muscles instead of trying to look like Brock Lesnar. Generally speaking, my muscles get big quickly, but I am older than I’ve ever been (obvious statement of the year, oy vey Caitlyn), and probably more depressed/apathetic too. How this will affect my muscles I know not, but I guess we’ll see. I do like a good mystery.

I know what you're asking: why isn't this article over yet WHY what happens when the coin lands on heads? I use normal free weights. If fate hands me a tails, I’ll use kettlebells. The coin will get flipped for three days in a row, and on the fourth day, I’m going to do a variety of yoga poses and martial arts based cardio instead of picking up any weights. These four day cycles will be done five times (for 20 days) and then I flip it; three days of martial arts cardio and yoga followed by a coin flip and full body weight lifting exercises (like doing squats/lunges while you’re doing shoulder lifts and stomach turns and other such torturous routines.) On the 25th day, I’ll rest. Maybe watch a Kurosawa movie. Rinse repeat. I’ll break it all down below, but what I’m not including is the 1000 jumping jacks and 300 pushups I’ll be doing every single day, with the exception of the rest day, where I literally do absolutely nothing. Maybe go for a hike if I'm bored and it's a nice day.

DAY ONE: Arms, chest and back

DAY TWO: Shoulders, abs and back

DAY THREE: Legs

DAY FOUR: Total body yoga and martial arts

Please note I am not revealing the specific exercises I'm going to be focusing on, as I don't want Mark to just copy me in desperation. This is a competition after all. Additionally, I've got a secret weapon I am not going to reveal until after the 100 days are over!

It’s a 25 day cycle by design, both this diet and exercise routine were designed to work together. Sort of a 100 days of weight loss/muscle growth/overall health. I have an entire different strategy in mind after day 100, so I’ll be stuck doing all this crap until January 23rd. I truly am determined to demolish this competition though. In fact, I want to win in such a savage manner Mark ends up getting depressed and gaining more weight. Not because I wish ill on him, no, but I don’t have a way to make up the money I’d lose from the pictures of him I sell to the North Korean media for their use in Anti-American propaganda. Turns out, starving people hate the gluttonous, and that has equaled major profit for me.

For those millions of people who don’t know what jokes are, me wishing Mark becomes less healthy and dies sooner is one. Below is the definition of the word, just to clarify what joke means. Thanks for reading you ham n' eggers. Bored while you're pooping? Read some more BTG articles on my Vocal blog and check out all sorts of great reviews, how to guides, our book club and even more at 2020's most masculine website, bacontitsgunsandnowhining.com

For BTG&nowhining, this is Caitlyn Hicks saying good golly Miss Molly am I going to miss bacon pancakes and donut burgers for the next 100 days.

joke

/jōk/

noun

a thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter, especially a story with a funny punchline.

"she was in a mood to tell jokes"

Similar: funny story, jest, witticism, quip, pleasantry, pun, play on words, shaggy-dog story, old chestnut, double entendre, in-joke, gag, wisecrack, crack, funny, one-liner, rib-tickler, killer, knee-slapper, thigh-slapper, boffola

verb

make jokes; talk humorously or flippantly.

"she could laugh and joke with her colleagues"

Similar: tell jokes, crack jokes, jest, banter, quip, wisecrack, josh