The Day I Stopped Taking Pictures.

If you know me, you know I love taking pictures, more like being in the picture though. I remember at some point my sister had become my personal photographer, we had real photo shoot sessions till she grew a bit older and realized that she was actually NOT my slave(just so you know, she is the one that takes endless pictures now). Growing up, I would say I was pretty skinny until I hit puberty and as expected, my body started to change. It became fuller and with the kind of women in my family, it was inevitable that I was soon to inherit their curves, which the Rwandan culture happens to glorify. Which goes without saying that it is the norm for a Rwandan lady to be full-figured or curvaceous as some call it. I was the norm.

Well, I was until I left Rwanda for the US to pursue my Bachelor's degree in an HBCU located in the South with at least 98% of African Americans. When I got there, I noticed that just like the women from home, the majority of them were curvaceous as well. The only difference was that they seemed to be more toned than we are, so the similarity quickly made me feel even more comfortable in my skin and my new environment.

The one thing I was to learn within the few months of being here was that in this country, when it comes to weight; you are either slim, slim thick or the three letter word that you are not allowed to say in America because it is "rude" but even the term "Slim thick" is fairly new to the "weight" dictionary. So basically you are either skinny or not skinny (the three letter word).

Anyways, the point of this article is not entirely about that, it is more about how after 1 year in America, I slowly started to gain weight. Ever heard of "freshmen 15"? Yes, I think for me it was more like freshmen 45. I gained a lot of weight which was bound to happen since my body was being introduced to new foods and I did not exercise at all hence my body accumulating all the calories! All the sugars! All the salts! All the fats. Mind you, contrary to the popular belief I was actually not indulging in fast food as much unless the days were rough (Mulla wise) because I have always been paranoid when it comes to fast food but that did not stop all the other foods from having an effect on me either way.

With time most of my clothes were getting tighter and tighter, I noticed my cheeks getting bigger but in some way it was not hitting me as hard as it was supposed to. Probably because I was not uncomfortable with the way my body was changing. In addition to that being in the US did not help as well since it is considered rude to tell someone that they are fat (the three letter word) or gaining weight which means whoever might have noticed that my arms were getting bigger did not dare to be rude to me. Well, my fairy tale ended the moment I landed in Rwanda for my summer break in 2016. When I say the moment I landed, I mean LITERALLY. My mother was the first person who saw me and with fright written all over her face she said "you need a diet" and I was like "Oh wow, I missed you too mom" and that was just the beginning.

Everyone I saw had a mini heart attack for the first few minutes! "yooo Winnie! ubwo urangana gute? ", "eh eh! izo ni za bagaz zo muri america wirirwa urya?". For those who do not understand Kinyarwanda, all the above were statements basically saying that I was fat. Keep in mind though that these are the same people that would have had the same reactions if I would have lost weight. Yes, because when it comes to Rwandans and weight - there is no in between; if you gain weight they cry! If you lose weight they cry! So it is all the same, and this is the mindset I tried to keep as a source of my consolation as I was trying to navigate through the endless comments being slapped in my face about my weight.

No one really asked me about my school, my major, if I liked America or not, and what I had learned. Nope! None of that! All they talked about was my weight. At first, I brushed it off well and laughed it off, to be honest, I did not really care. If anything it had been a while without them seeing me, so of course, their reactions were expected. Unfortunately, the little talk I was giving myself for a while soon came to an end; the comments got louder and louder and they continued to echo for a long time till the time I got back to school.

I started wearing baggy clothes. I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I started making fun of myself before anyone else could, I did not feel any kind of beautiful and I knew it was really bad the moment I realized I had started avoiding pictures because I could not help but notice how everything about my body had gotten bigger, constantly comparing my current pictures to the ones I had taken a year ago. It got pretty hard and not everybody understands how things like this get to one's mind and create a space for a lot of self-hateful thoughts especially when you can't have an honest conversation with anyone that is willing to be compassionate but honest at the same time.

My friends told me to shut up whenever I mentioned that I was fat (because that is what friends do, they remind you that you are beautiful when you do not feel like it). My mother had already put me on a diet (shout out to her for doing so), my sister was just happy to see me, my brother probably hadn't even noticed what was happening or maybe didn't know if he should say something or not until I finally had the conversation with my father. He said:

" Winnie, this is life. You grow, you gain weight, you lose weight. Sometimes you can control it, other times you can not control it depending on the circumstances you are in. What you have to do is to make sure you are healthy. Eat right, exercise and take care of your body. You are beautiful". I looked at this man and said to myself " there he goes, winning again".

From that day on, I ended the pity party and apologized to my body. I had to re-fall in love with it. It is like finding a beautiful abandoned house that needs a lot of cleaning, washing, repainting and once it is done you get to enjoy the comfort of it being yours. I realized that my body had to go through the change it went through to be able to realize the importance of taking care of it.

Especially being in a country that requires extra attention to what you are going to eat or drink unlike at home where everything you eat is fresh from the farm. I started paying attention to my body, listening to it, keeping track of the different reactions my body has to certain foods, I increased my water intake, started working out daily with the intent of being fit and healthy and not necessarily skinny because that was just me seeking for instant gratification and also not considering the fact that all the women in my family have curves, so I do not know where I was trying to get the skinny gene from.

Additionally, I realized that when it comes to beauty and the standards of what a "hot" body is, depends on the culture and the country in which you are in, which makes it impossible to please every single person when it comes to the shape or size of your body BUT you can please yourself. Loving yourself includes loving the body in which you reside in; your size, your skin, your hair and everything that comes with you.

The only tips that are working for me right now? Eating right: It gets hard especially for bread lovers like myself or any other unhealthy cravings that we tend to have but you can do it! Monitoring how and when you eat is necessary in order to keep your metabolism working as fast as it should while your body gains the right nutrients it needs.

Exercise! Exercise! Exercise: We all know this! And the good news is that exercising does not mean living in the gym. You can do a 30-minute walk every day, find dance classes if you enjoy dancing, or any other thing that makes your body burn those calories, at least three times a week.

Remember not do this just to get skinny or for the "Summer body" while it is good to have goals it would be better to make it a lifestyle.

This is for my sisters and brothers that have always struggled with weight problems, those that have gained weight or even those that are trying to gain weight. I know the pressure gets real from home (even when they mean well). I know how it gets to the mind and plays with our self-esteems but I also know that you can learn how to numb everything you do not want to feel and focus on feeling good. I am slowly learning how to embrace the body that I have NOW without comparing it to my old one or anybody else and trying to be as consistent as I can be with exercising and eating right. Oh, and yes, retaking pictures! If I could do it, I know you can do it too.

Stay healthy! Stay golden and TAKE THAT PICTURE.