One Man's Search for Meaning Through Spotify and The Iron

Here's my ultimate gym playlist. I've cultivated and curated it over a number of years. It's fine-tuned, each song has a meaning, each track fulfils a role. The Spotify preview only shows 100 songs, but it's over 300 long, a perfect 26 hours of hard-earned music that you'll never have to stray from again. This is your one-stop motivational fix.

If I'm honest, it's just a list of songs, but to me, it's something more.

Remember in High Fidelity when John Cusack's character Rob rearranged his entire vinyl collection autobiographically?

Well, this is my autobiographical journey, documenting the struggle I've had with the gym over the years. I've had a challenging time with exercise, and as I have developed, the playlist has developed with me.

Well, with me and Rich Piana, who this playlist is named after.

Who? Let me explain.

Slim History

I've lifted weights on and off for years, yet if you walked past me in the street you'd likely think, "That guy should work out a little, put some meat on his bones."

There's no getting around the fact I'm skinny. If I wear a jumper or a jacket, it looks as if I've never picked up a weight in my life.

For reasons I have never understood, when you are very slim, people feel they can openly pass comment on your body as if they're doing you a favour, as if mentioning how thin you are is the same as pointing out it's going to rain so you should put on a coat before you leave the house.

I've lived with these comments all my life. I was a skinny kid - so skinny I made other kids look like beefcakes that ate only beefcakes - and now, I am a skinny man.

"You'll fill out like your father" was the empty promise.

Nope. Still skinny.

I have wrists too small for watches and ankles I can fit my fingers around; this has brought with it myriad insecurities and body dysmorphia. It didn't take long for the first seeds of self-consciousness to take root in my young mind. 

Early televisual memories were always of burly men fighting; The Dukes of Hazard, Burt Reynolds in Cannonball Run, Clint Eastwood in Every Which Way But Loose, Knight Rider, He-Man, Rocky, Indiana Jones and of course, Arnie.

I thought I was meant to be strong, stocky and brave. I still think I should be. Television did a good job conditioning my mind.

Consequently, I’ve always wanted to work out, to grow into the biggest man around. When I was 10, I wanted to be as big as the guys in the Double Dragon video game.

For a period in my teens, I was too cool for gyms but at 23 I bit the bullet and joined one.

Gyms scared me. I hear that's not uncommon, they're intimidating places for newbies. I'm ashamed to admit I had to get a little drunk just to walk through the door and sign up. It's easy to forget how scary new experiences can be.

I soon got into the swing of things, however, going three to four times a week, eating flavoured powders full of creatine, protein, glutamine and BCAAs and I began to very slowly grow.

Slowly being the operative word.

Then for some uninteresting reasons, I got ill. Tonsillitis, chest infections, minor heart scares, glandular fever, mouth infections. I had a few operations. And then, a few complications.

I stopped the gym completely. I lost the little size I had put on.

By my late 20's, I'd dropped to 140lb. It is, arguably, my natural body weight, but for 5'10 that's super light. 

All the comments – comments I forgot existed – came back. The wrist grabbing, the arm squeezing, the mockery. Oh yes, people don't think before they speak. Now I remember.

Throughout my 30's I had an intermittent relationship with the gym as my health swayed to and fro. Lean muscle earned from months of hard work would melt off me in weeks when I had to stop lifting.

I stumbled on through, me and the iron. The iron and me.

Spotify, Rich Piana and All That

My marriage fell apart in 2014, so it was a natural time to revisit the weights. I signed up to a gym five minutes walk from my new, single-room apartment and began lifting once more.

The playlist began. All the obvious tracks came first, rousing film scores, Rocky soundtracks, WWE songs, motivational speeches. I'd never worked out to music before, but by early 2015, I was visiting the gym with my hood up, headphones blasting and doing my best to make the 10-year-old me proud.

I watched a lot of work out videos on YouTube back then. One channel was by a bodybuilder Rich Piana, a beast of a man, with 23" arms, covered in tattoos, and the scariest looking person you'll set eyes on.

At first, I hated him, then I became fascinated, then, like hundreds and thousands of others, I grew to love his channel. He was an avuncular giant, a well-meaning, crazy sonofabitch who lived life large. Literally.

In 2015, he began a video diary called 'Bigger by the Day'. He planned to gain as much muscle as possible in 4 months and was filming how he did it.

Each evening, I'd come home from the gym and watch his videos as I ate. It was a voyeuristic view into his world. He'd be driving to Chipotle or Cheesecake Factory at 11:55 pm to get food, opening endless boxes of merchandise, giving long speeches to the camera about muscle gains and regularly showcasing his dogs and customised cars.

I was alone in my single-room and he became a source of company. He spurred me on to work out, and a loose community of people grew around him. The comments section under his videos were hilarious, genuinely the funniest thing on YouTube. He was crazy. Everyone loved him.

Then he died.

Tribute

I've only been upset about two celebrities dying. The first was John Candy, the second, Rich Piana.

It was no surprise either men died so young - Candy 43, Piana 46 - two men living at the extremities of what the human body can tolerate, both carrying hugely excessive weight, both playing fast and loose with their health, but that doesn't stop the feelings of loss I felt when they passed away.

I'd been working out a couple of years when Piana died. His videos stopped. I wondered where he was. Then someone at the gym told me the news.

He was arguably the biggest celebrity bodybuilder, more popular than Mr Olympia, Rich’s queues at the Expos were always the longest.

I renamed the playlist after him. It felt fitting, my personal tribute to his larger than life character. He'd given me the motivation to work out, he'd kept me mentally above water during a tough time.

My playlist had been building all this time, I'd added a lot of metal and hardcore tracks, some rap, anything about fighting back, and some songs I’d heard on Rich’s channel.

I still spot comments here and there from people saying they miss him. No one did YouTube quite like he did. "I'm a crazy motherfucker" he'd always say. He sure was.

This playlist is for you, Piana.