Me vs My Scale

Me: Ok, come on now, be nice this one time.

Scale: Well good morning to you too.

Me: You sir, are a liar!

Scale: Am not.

Me: Are too.

Scale: Am not.

Me: If you do not give me a correct reading this time, I am throwing you out the window.

Scale: That’s a little harsh don’t ya think?

Me: I mean it!

Scale: Very well

Me: (gets on and looks down) AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

Throws scale out window

Fast forward 1 week

Me: Wanna try being nicer this time?

Scale: What does THAT even mean?

Me: I am not playing this game with you today.

Scale: I don’t know what you want from me…maybe try shifting your weight.

Me: That’s just stupid.

Scale: Or maybe...get naked!

Me: NO! I will not get naked in front of you.

Scale: It might help.

Me: NO

Scale: Fine then step aboard

Me: (in shorts and tank top) Steps on, takes a deep breath and looks down.

Throws scale out window

Fast forward 1 week

Scale: OH NOOOO. You are not throwing me out the window again. You chipped a tooth last week.

Me: Yeah, sorry.

Scale: Whatever.

Me: I don’t want to do this again.

Scale: You do realize I am digital right? Not at all like the old one that would lie sometimes.

Me: Yeah I get it, you are accurate.

Scale: (says proudly) Within 2 lbs of your Doctor's scale.

Me: Yeah, whatever.

Scale: Listen, did you know that your clothes weigh at least 2 lbs. You should get naked.

Me: No i will not get naked...I will simply minus 2 lbs.

Scale: alright but it really would make a difference.

Me: You just want to look up my shorts, perv.

Scale: ME? Nope, eyes always forward.

Me: Steps on, looks down and a single tear falls.

Turns scale over and walks away.

Fast forward 2 weeks

Me: I decided we needed a little break.

Scale: You couldn’t even say hello for 2 weeks?? You lady, are heartless.

Me: Sorry.

Scale: I know.

Me: I think we need to talk.

Scale: I agree. Let me start. You do know I only want the best for you right? We have always been open and honest with each other. I know you want me to “fudge the numbers” a little but that is not possible.

Me: Is that supposed to be a fat joke? “Fudge” the numbers. You know I love fudge.

Scale: No offense.

Me: Okay, none taken I guess.

Scale: It really would help if you took everything off. You have to trust me.

Me: Well, I don’t know, maybe. Maybe tomorrow.

Steps back and walks away

Next day

Me: Ok I think I can do this now.

Scale: Awesome! Let’s go.

Me: What if…

Scale: No what if’s, no more excuses and definitely no more out the window. That was just friggin rude!

Me: But I did pick you up and brought you back in. Ya know, I try to like you, I really do. A long time ago you were a friend. You would make me smile.

Scale: I remember.

Me: But over the years we have just kinda drifted apart. I sometimes can’t even look at you without crying.

Scale: It doesn’t always have to be that way. We can rekindle what we once had. We just have to work together. So are we gonna do this or what?

Me: Okay, I guess you are right. It’s now or never!

She drops the robe and steps on

Takes a very deep breath and looks down

Me: WOO-HOO 7 lbs gone! Just like that.

Scale: See I told you. I knew you could do it!

Me: Just what I needed to see. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I will never doubt you or myself again.

As she steps off a little voice whispers:

Scale: I have a confession, I may have, maybe a little bit, perhaps, looked up.

Me: You sir, are a PIG.

Much Love, G.