After many years of not worrying about aging, I am beginning to worry. I don't know why, as I take birthdays as being another day older rather than a whole year. Its not the aches and pains as I have always had them, in fact I take the Facebook post of "if I woke up and something didn't hurt I would think I was dead" as my own.
My dad used to say "you're only as old as the woman you feel." My fiancé is 27 years old and it still isn't helping. She does keep me young and happier than in a while, but the body and mind still seems to be failing. I hit the big 50 next year and it seems to be looming large on the horizon as I hurtle towards it. Or maybe just stumble quickly.
I don't recall hitting 20; when the clock hit midnight and I reached 30, I remember shedding a small tear. I hit 40 at a friend's while on an air bed in their lounge. When I will arrive at 50, I shall be in a caravan; maybe by 60 I will find a proper bed.
My mental state at present is quite bad, so that may be part of the problem. I could be worrying a bit extra because of that. Life goes on of course, and I will be getting married 3 days before the big, bad day. At least now I have something to look forward to. It doesn't help that a few weeks before those events, my son turns 30; he is older than most of the people I work with.
I still don't know for sure what's changed to make me feel this way. Maybe I think even if I live a long time I have reached middle age. Maybe I realise somewhere that I have less left than I have lived. Maybe it's the thought of leaving my soon to be wife alone at some stage, even if that's hopefully in a very long time.
I have tried the gym, I walk to work and at least at work eat decent food. I rarely drink alcohol, I see the doctor when I believe something is wrong and take all the medication I am given to help me. I could probably do better still, but baby steps for someone a very long way from baby times.
I could make myself look younger I suppose, but I rarely look at myself, so I doubt would help much. I could cut the greying beard and dye the greying hair. Though until recently, age has mattered as much as the grey, so it's a bit late now. It has been suggested i should try to look younger for when I am with my partner, though what I wear has tended not to change in many years. I am a very long way off from q shirt and tie for breakfast. In fact I hope to still be in Slayer and Harley Davidson shirts to the final breath.
So maybe it's time to lie about my age, maybe decide I found a number I don't mind and stick to it. If anyone asks next year, I will say on my birthday I am now 49 and four quarters.
I suppose as pension ages rise and living goes up, we will keep working into our seventies by the time I get there. I will need to keep relatively fit and alert. Just hope I don't need any seventy-year-old fireman or policemen to save me.
Well, here's to the last few months of my first half century, and hopefully most of another one still to go.