How To Love Yourself Again

You are the one person that you’ll always be with; the person who will be there through thick and thin; the person who knows you best. Your relationship with yourself is the most important and longest relationship you’ll ever have.

"I'm not good enough."

"I don't deserve it."

"I'm ugly."

"I hate myself."

These are just a few of the thoughts that you may be thinking to yourself. Once somebody else has programmed you to hate yourself it can be a long, difficult journey to regain your self-love.

You’ve heard this many times before. But what does it mean to love yourself? And how do you actually love yourself?

For various reasons, many of us find it easier to love others than to love ourselves. Sometimes we’re truly quite awful to ourselves. We subject ourselves to a harsh inner critic, unhealthy relationships, toxic substances, and self-mutilation. I know how easy it is to dwell on your own perceived inadequacies.

But regardless of the reasons for your lack of self-love, it’s time to start caring for yourself and treating yourself with the love you deserve. Instead of being selfish, as many fear, self-love is a blueprint that shows others how to love you.

Know yourself. It’s impossible to love yourself if you don’t even know who you are. Invest in discovering what you believe, value, and like. Figure out what you like and don't like. People often concentrate the hardest on what they like. While figuring out what brings you joy or pleasure is important, it is also helpful to know what causes you unhappiness or dissatisfaction.

Your likes and dislikes are often how you describe yourself to others. Understanding these things helps you to know what you want to move toward in life and what you want to stay away from. Knowing your likes and dislikes can guide your career choices, where you live, your hobbies, and what kind of people you surround yourself with.

Have you been placing yourself in a box? Is there something that you would like to do or try that is outside of what you think you should be on paper? Build up the courage to try something totally new. You might unveil a different side of yourself.

Say “no” when you need to. Boundaries are an essential form of self-care because they let others know that you deserve and expect respect.

I have always had a hard time with boundaries. For whatever reason, it’s hard for me to ask for what I need, and it’s hard for me to say no. I’m pretty good with people who are like me, gentle people who are always thinking (probably too much) about other people’s needs and priorities. It’s the strong personalities who bulldoze boundaries and get angry when you “try” to say no that makes me want to curl into a ball and hide.

Those of us who try to please others and meet their needs (while ignoring our own) often think that this will somehow make our lives better and safer, that people will love us more. How frustrating that it doesn’t actually work this way. When our efforts to be excessively agreeable and accommodating backfire, we are often left feeling resentful and generally disappointed with life.

It's perfectly okay to say "no" when you need to. It's time to think about yourself more than others for a change. Once you fortify some boundaries for yourself, you'll begin to feel some peace flowing within. It's not always easy to say that little word "no" but it's necessary sometimes. Go ahead and practice saying it... "NO". It actually feels rather nice.

Don’t compare yourself to others. Others aren’t better or worse, more or less than you; They’re just different. You have value just as you are and accepting yourself means there’s no need for comparisons. You are exactly who you were meant to be. Nobody does you better.

Go ahead and buy that new outfit, treat yourself to a makeover and a visit to the salon. "Darling, you are YOU and you deserve some love and pampering." This is nothing to feel selfish or guilty for. It's critical that you give yourself some personal attention and self-love once in a while.

Know and use your talents. We all have tremendous gifts, but many of them go unnoticed. ("yes we're all good at something!") When you’re busy and distracted it’s hard to access these great qualities. Focusing on your talents will increase your positive feelings for yourself.

Are you a good poet? Do you love writing? Maybe you enjoy photography, whatever you're good at and find joy in doing, DO MORE OF THAT! Maybe you feel like you're really not good at anything. This is so far from the truth. You are definitely good at something. Start by doing more of the things that you enjoy and soon you'll uncover that special talent. Take pride in it, flaunt it around..Be proud of it!

Be honest with yourself. This one can be harder than it seems. Some of us are so good at self-deception that we don’t even know we’re doing it. Honesty is key in all relationships and your relationship with yourself is no different. Clearly, you can’t love your entire messy self if you’re lying, minimizing, or making excuses. True self-love means taking responsibility and accountability.

Let yourself off the hook for your mistakes and imperfections. You’re hard on yourself. You’re probably harder on yourself than anybody else. Cut yourself some slack and embrace your humanness. Mistakes are normal. Imperfections are part of what makes you beautiful.

Work on forgiving yourself for the bigger stuff. Sometimes we’re holding onto bigger regrets or transgressions. Self-forgiveness is a process of bit by bit believing you truly did the best you could. Today you could do better, of course. Hindsight really is 20/20, which is why it’s completely unfair to judge your past self with the knowledge you have now. Remember: “When we know better we do better.”

Accept that some people won’t like you. That’s right, some people don’t like you and that’s O.K. Don’t waste your time trying to please people who are impossible to please or people who just aren’t that important to you. Being yourself means you have to give up your people-pleasing ways and embrace your authentic self.

Make fun a priority. Put something fun on your agenda every week. Don’t neglect it or cancel because you have too much work to do or your kiddo needs help with his history report. Just like sleep, we all need fun in order to feel good. Don’t skimp on this important need. Go for a nice nature walk and pick some pretty flowers for yourself. Go to a movie alone, yes I said alone! You'll be surprised at how relaxing and enjoyable it truly is. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that it's something that YOU truly enjoy.

Practice gratitude. Gratitude is one of the simplest ways to focus on the good in yourself and in your life. Try identifying 3 things you’re grateful for when you wake up every morning. Make a note and hang it in a place where you'll see it throughout the day.

Feel your feelings. Our feelings are an integral part of who we are. You can’t be an authentic person without acknowledging and feeling all of your feelings. Don’t shy away from uncomfortable feelings like anger and sadness. If you deny them, you deny a part of yourself. Allow yourself to express them in a healthy, respectful way.

If you are feeling anger, you may observe that the anger feels tight in your jaw. Boom. You just felt your feelings. And, yes, that’s it. You don’t even have to be precious about it. You can feel your feelings in the middle of a meeting. You can feel your feelings in front of your kids. You can feel your feelings in line at the grocery store. If that sad commercial on T.V makes you feel sad then don't deny yourself the right to feel it, cry if you need to. Experience it!

Stand up for yourself. Like boundaries, being assertive is a way of showing others that your opinions and needs matter. Loving yourself means you know your value and can communicate it to others.

Never allow another person to mistreat you, verbally or physically. Every single person in your life must know that you expect respect and will settle for nothing less. Once others realize that you demand to be treated with the same dignity that you give to them, they're likely to change their attitude. If they don't then get rid of them, block them out of your life. You don't need or deserve that kind of negativity. Sometimes this is a painful and difficult step, but it's one that must be done.

Write yourself a love letter. I know this is a hard assignment, but it really challenges you to identify the things you like about yourself.

Ask for help when you need it. Another part of taking care of yourself is recognizing when you need help. Help isn’t weak. It’s human. We all need help at times.

Speak kindly to yourself. Talk to yourself like you’d talk to a loved one. Don’t cut yourself down, call yourself names, or criticize yourself.

Surround yourself with people who treat you with kindness and respect. Who you spend time with reflects how you feel about yourself. People who feel worthy surround themselves with positive people. Sometimes loving yourself means you have to end relationships with abusive or unkind people.

Allow yourself some downtime. It’s time to slow down and allow your body and mind to rest. You don’t have to do it all. Prioritize what matters most and let go of any guilt in saying no. Rest is rejuvenating and a basic form of self-care.

"I hope you’ll spend some time learning to love yourself more because you so dearly deserve it!"