How to Gain Weight and be Fat

Disclaimer: This is an attempt at humor. No advice should be followed unless you absolutely hope to be obese.

There are tons of resources available via television, the internet, and media on ways to lose weight and stay in shape. Gurus giving advice, yoga instructors bending and posing, personal assistants, fitness instructors, and of course Keto diets and intermittent fasting by Millenials. All guiding and molding people into a healthier skinnier you. That’s great!

But what about those of us who would rather look like a pear than a banana?

Who is inspiring those of us who hope to sit on our couch wearing soiled track pants and t-shirts with ice cream stains watching Netflix and laughing at the Kardashians and reality stars on The Real Housewives of (place terrible American city here)? Sure there is Jack Black, Mellisa McCarthy, and John Goodman to look up to but recently some of our best people have switched over. Jonah Hill, Ethan Suplee, Adele, and Rebel Wilson, all poster children for our cause have now abandoned us for Kale and pilates.

My Stand (And sit when I am tired)

So that is where I hope to provide some much-needed guidance. A strict anti-diet if you will. The following are some tips on how to let obesity flow over you like caramel over french vanilla ice cream.

Start fat early. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And Canada has the most donut shops per capita. Put two and two together and you have a nice baker’s dozen at Tim Hortons. If you are American, then Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme is your equivalent.

Always carry snacks. After breakfast, before lunch, and any time you need something to hold you over. Fill your desk at work with snacks like Twizzlers, chocolate, Reese’s Pieces, Doritos, and gummy bears. You never know when a snack emergency might arise. Maybe your boss will ask you to work overtime, or you might be forced to have lunch at a meeting provided by the company. These times when you don’t have an opportunity for a carb overload might hamper your obesity goals so snack packs in backpacks are key.

Lunch is also important. Don’t skip it just because you are still full from breakfast and snacks. Eat up. Hamburgers with fries and gravy definitely help the day go by faster. Also, a big lunch helps you feel groggy and might be the perfect way to doze off at your desk until 5 o clock rolls around and it’s time for your pre-departure snack.

Plan Ahead. While at your desk, start deciding what you want to buy and eat for dinner and a late-night snack while watching TV. Have a pad of paper where you can jot down any cravings or food ideas that pop into your head while you are working. Planning what foods you will buy and need for the evening television schedule is proactive. Nobody likes it when their favorite show is about to start and there is nothing in the fridge.

Before bed grab something for the night. Many people don’t realize your body is using calories while you sleep. Keep it replenished while you sleep. Always have something by your bed, preferably that requires little work to prepare. A bowl of Cheetos, a plate of leftover pizza, or a subway meatball sandwich are some good overnight foods. A bowl of Captain Crunch cereal and chocolate milk works well for me.

There are so many small things you can do like taking a taxi or bus instead of walking, taking the elevator instead of the stairs, asking someone else to get something from the printer for you, or just asking the waiter to add a little extra on the side of everything.

These little things lead to big results. Literally. Good luck and stay fat. If not for you then for the people around you.

This article also appears here: https://medium.com/the-haven/how-to-gain-weight-and-be-fat-3be316c9537b