How Chronic Fatigue is Changing My Identity

Let me pre-frame this by saying it’s a positive story, but perhaps not in the way you might expect. Chronic fatigue syndrome has forced me to give up my old identity.

I wouldn't have changed my way of being without having my hand forced. But today I'm grateful for all the changes in my life.

My story (so far) doesn’t end with my triumphant return to marathon running — I’m not anywhere near done healing my body yet. But then this isn’t really about going back to the old me. This story is about discovering the new me.

New me still wants to run marathons just like I used to before I fell under the spell of chronic fatigue. But new me doesn’t want to approach them in the same, toxic way.

The old way

Old me was driven by arbitrary goals like getting a new personal best time when I ran, or at least not being last in my age group. New me wants to run for the enjoyment, and to run with friends. Other people don't have to be my competition, they can also be enjoyable company.

This is a little glimpse into the new psyche I’m developing as I finally stop fighting with my illness. I'm beginning to accept where I am, and surrender to what it wants to teach me.

I’ve shared before that my old lifestyle was toxic. I overworked and pinned my whole sense of identity on being a ‘doer’.

I was proud of my ability to do a day’s work with a low level migraine buzzing away, suppressed by painkillers but not entirely gone. I was also proud of my inability to take a full weekend off.

In turn, I was judgmental of others who could take a weekend off, or who rested willingly. Self-care felt like a ‘nice to have’ at best, and a dirty word at worst.

Real change comes from within

When I first became ill with chronic fatigue, I couldn’t accept it. I focussed really hard on the associated symptoms, rather than the whole condition, and was pretty convinced that I could cure myself with supplements, diet and graded exercises.

While there is no doubt that these things have all been good for me, my fatigue continued. Of course, this was because I wasn’t really taking onboard the life lesson.

I needed to change how I did life, and to make that stick. In order to do so without hurting my mental health, I needed to change where my sense of identity came from.

I could no longer pin my fragile ego upon my achievements, as they were becoming fewer and fewer. I couldn’t be ‘the doer’ any longer.

Accepting myself as I am

I am not yet ready to tell you that I have completely nailed this — but I am truly making progress! Today I can accept that my old way of being was toxic, and to be honest it didn’t make me a very nice person.

I was judgmental with myself and with others.

I can trace a little of this back to my childhood, of course. I remember my mother talking scathingly about people who didn’t work hard enough. My grandmother took a similar view.

Even though I’ve been estranged from my family for just over 20 years, I couldn't let go of that belief I had taken on from them. On some level, I was still trying to live up to their expectations.

The human mind is a complex thing!

Real change

So… who am I now? I'm not that girl who does everything, putting work and the needs of others' first. Today, I put my health and my energy first by respecting my boundaries.

I am truly beginning to feel like somebody new, and I like where this is going. I can’t wait to see what comes next!

If you recognize yourself in this, then please know that there is hope. Just because you are on the path to chronic fatigue or something similar, doesn't mean you have to keep going down that route.

And if you have already found yourself at rock bottom, then keep in mind that this is the best place to begin your ascent.

Often we have to learn lessons the hard way in order to truly embody that learning and make it a part of who we are. So if this is where you are at too, then know that you can recover your health and you won't have to slip backwards again.