Hello My Friend, Hello

End of May

I called out sick today. I'm not really sick. But I'm definitely am depressed. Not just in a 'my life sucks sort of way,' this depression is coming from the inside. I haven't gotten my period since January, and now I am tremendously premenstrual. What the fuck?! I had my maxi pad bags packed. But either G-D, or Mother Nature, or whatever your belief is, had other plans. My soul-sucking job does not account for mental health issues in their paid time off plan. This all must be re-evaluated, since I am certain that I'm not the only one.

There are moments I feel perfectly fine, and moments at which I am sobbing. It's not out of nowhere, and I know why it's happening. But it is not fun.

Wednesday, 25 May 2022

Okay, so well, good morning. It took me two half Ambien to get sleep last night. I think I opened my eyes at around 8 a.m. I meditated, drank some of my home brewed iced tea, which I made yesterday. I grabbed my journal, and went downstairs. You know, during quarantine, I used to crawl out onto the fire escape. I miss sitting out there, but it's not the best idea for a multitude of reasons.

I got myself outdoors, and did some barefoot qigong. I cried during and afterward for no stinking reason, I just couldn't stop. But I was relatively okay, and tried to move around.

And then suddenly, a family of hawks flew above. It was amazing. They got really close, as they were circling their prey, or maybe scanning below for food. I found this to be so interesting, since I am several avenues in from the wooded shore. Tell that to a hungry family of hawks. 20 years of observation in Central Park does not equal a lifetime at prey.

Perhaps I could go downstairs each morning for a cup of tea, and to get my morning writing done. I have the tools to get through this, and I think I have found a comfy little spot.

Thursday, 26 May 2022

I'm not sure how I feel right now. Falling asleep last night was tricky, but somehow, I managed to get out of bed this morning. I drank some home-brewed iced tea, followed by an Olipop cola. The rest of the day simply unfolded, as I didn't want to go to work, but do I ever?

I survived with two separate half Klonopin, and was able to make it through my shift. I accidentally showed up an hour late. One day I'll be able to keep my schedule straight, which is why I would rather not work for others.

Tuesday, 31 May 2022

It's hard to say where I'm at right now, because I'm feeling lost.

I got my period this past Saturday. Imagine my surprise. So a lot of the internal stuff has dissipated, but not all of it. I feel like there's a low level film around my heart, but not in a diseased sort of way. This film is made of emotions, sadness and depression. But I'm going to find a way to keep going. The soul-sucker has gotten a tiny bit more tolerable between the meds, and my body's purge.

I am going to explore and fight this thing.

Wednesday, 1 June 2022

A friend of a friend, with whom I know all the same people, reminded me that today was June. But, today needs to be my relaxation day, even thought it's World Running Day. I'm reminded of how time works, and how the people in my lives interact. I meditated, lit a candle and burned incense. I took turmeric, and cordyceps. I brewed tea, and then unfolded my day.

1.69 miles, 32 minutes.