For the love of me

I have never cared for the whole New Years resolution bull honky. The few times that I have tried in the past have met with epic failure. The high expectations of an unrealistic goal that could never possibly come true sting.

To be perfectly blunt, crushed hope hurts little sensitive feelers like mine. I set my stunningly glorious and ridiculously absurd goals based on a vision of me that really wasn't mine to begin with.

It was based on what I thought the world wanted me to be: to be pretty and skinny, and eat healthy and not have fat thighs etc. I tried to match myself to what I saw in a magazine or on TV because maybe, just maybe, if the world was happy with me then it couldn't be mad or disappointed in me.

Convoluted sounding, I know.

Mind you, I made these resolutions back in my much younger and more naïve days. Like in my teenage or early 20s. Back when I didn't know squat about myself and had the self confidence of a gnat-a dead one at that.

I did try those stupid goals I had set for myself so long ago and I can tell you that those stupid goals crashed and burned right along with my fragile self confidence.

So the years go by and shit happens and life keeps on going. I haven't made a New Years resolution in a couple decades.

Not until this year. Not until after 2020. I didn't even make any resolutions right when the clock struck midnight and 2021 started.

I just wanted to sneak in real quiet like, ya know? Like if we keep our heads down then maybe 2021 would not be like 2020.

Har D Har har!!!!!!

Maybe it was the recent events tearing our nation apart, maybe it's being a nurse during Covid-19. Or perhaps, it's the trying to homeschool a now 6 year old, maybe it's the emotional chaos of a crazy world. But I am tired.

SO tired. To the bone exhausted and yet, I get no rest. Not even on my days off do I truly get "me" time.

And I need that "me" time desperately. I need that take care of myself moment where I am not taking care of everything and everyone. I have to have a Yvonne time and not just be a nurse or mom or caregiver.

Because it has occurred to me that I might not survive another year like 2020 if I don't find a way to take an uninterrupted, unapologetic, guilt free time to myself to do something as simple as read a damn book.

A book, for Heavens sake!! Mind you, I read lots of books to my child but that just not the same. I cannot recall when I have actually sat down and just read a book.

How about quality bath time where my kid isn't slam dunking all her toys in and jumping in after to join me. I usually have to sneak away when everyone is finally asleep to take a bath and zone out on Facebook but it's hard to enjoy when said bath is at 10-11 PM at night. I call this my "momzie" stage.

Momzie: when you finally get quality alone time but are too damn tired to give a rat's ass!

So this year, my resolution is to be selfish. Yes, you heard that right. I am going to be selfish. I have to for my very survival and sanity.

I resolve to have more "me" time!

Take care of yourselves or how can you take care of anyone else????