Finally, I’ve Nailed a Healthy Relationship with My Body, I used to be smaller.

First, to understand the relationship with my body, I want to paint the picture of my fearful and gruesome attitude towards food I have developed over the years.

I used to have dairy intolerance.

I used to have gluten intolerance.

Frankly, with time, I was allergic to all the food there is. Carrots and celery stalks might have been the exception.

The more obsessed I became with eliminating a specific group of foods, the more frustrated and inflamed my body became. Finally, I have realized food was never the problem. My frantic thinking about it was.

My relationship with food was built on mistrust and hatred.

At one point, I was scared of eating anything at all. My obsession was not occupied with the weight of my body, but health and condition in general.

I used to start my day by reading an online platform about healthy eating, scientific research about nutrition. I have spent hours at work to find out new recipes, foods to eliminate, and alternatives to include in my diet.

I ordered tons of supplements to prevent every condition I could think of, without any symptoms occurring in my body. I just wanted solutions. Not realizing I was digging into the issue. The pit, I have thrown myself into, seemed bottomless.

Acne would not disappear, eczema was becoming worse, my hair lost its shine and eventually started falling out. It was my breaking point. I was eating meat and healthy fats most of the time. I felt drained and sick at the mere thought of another chicken for breakfast. Just because the keto approved.

I felt trapped in my lifestyle. I derived no pleasure from my work, the city I have lived in, nor superficial friendships I have thrown myself into. I longed for a simple life. Simple food, a passionate way of living, and quality relationships. Little did I know that with quitting my current lifestyle, new challenges came along.

Physical changes.

A crucial part of my change was detox. I restored my body by eating only raw foods and drinking fresh juices. I quit my corporate job. Stopped using social media altogether. Moved out of the bustle of the city and embraced the serenity of nature.

After a month, I have started gradually incorporating more varieties of simple food. Not only it tasted better, but my health was on point. My period came back. I no longer stressed about meal preparation, what should I eat next, and at what time. Because of diverting my attention from what not to eat, I have gathered more energy to focus on what truly makes me happy.

Mental victory.

With changing my appearance and restoring my stamina, the shift in perspective followed suit.

In the past, I would overanalyze how others might perceive me. So I would scrutinize myself in the mirror, hide imperfections, tummy folds, water retention. While shopping, if I happened to find any size unfit for my body, the whole day was doomed to a shitty mood. No wonder my health deteriorated, as science pinpoints that self-judgment and shame shut down the learning centers of the brain, robbing us of the resources we need to learn and grow.

I have established my success in any area (be it relationships, a good mood at the party, zest for life) on how I presented myself physically to the world that day. My habit of caring what others people think of me run my mind, my behaviour, and how I approached the day.

Until I have realized that my insecurities hide my authenticity, that part that truly makes me one of a kind. It differentiates me from the mundane, filtered, picture-perfect reality of social media and beauty regimes. Perfection is not relatable. Your humanity is. Your mistakes make you memorable. How you make people feel makes all the difference in the world, not how you wear hot labels.

I became immune to criticism.

I have two pairs of trousers: one of them a little tight after this year's lockdown. Second, a little too worn out. Still, I wear them both. Not because they look good on me, nevertheless. But because they make me feel good while wearing them.

I could go mental and obsessed whether they emphasize the right parts of my body, the gap between my thighs, but I refuse to belittle my physicality to the point of fitting into whimsical standards of what society regards to be visually appropriate.

Recently, a woman made a comment about my tight pants: I would not wear it with that ass. She made it loud and clear for me to hear it. And for the first time, I truly did not care. I knew her vicious comment was coming from her insecurities and resentment that she feels the need to hide her body. I forgot about this comment until I thought about writing a piece on body positivity. And I am so freaking proud of myself because, in the past, I would obsess over somebody else's perception of the world, my body, and what is fitness appropriate.

Now, I am no longer a slave of the fashion dictatorship of society, but an expressionist of my self-love and acceptance for every curve I gain or lose. It doesn't matter. The top priority is my good feeling condition.

I eat what makes me happy, not gratified at the moment of eating it, but what makes me healthy, energized, or delivers pleasure while preparing a meal. Food does not bring you happiness in the long run. It may grant you a short-lived satisfaction, comfort, dopamine boost, but it will not suffice for the overall enjoyment. Again, in the past, I relied too much on external resources to build happiness.

I exercise daily, not because the fitness guru expects me to, but because I delight in taking care of my physique. By changing the mindset from I have to exercise to I get to move my body, made all the difference in my enthusiasm and motivation. I love every inch of my thoughts, giving-limited-amounts-of-fuck attitude, and my precious body vehicle.

I get to love my body. It is a conscious choice. Not something I force myself to practice daily in the mirror. With time, I have learned to appreciate the privilege of working with the body, not against it.

Your weight is not your body, but in your mind.

However, the change had nothing to do with food, but how I perceived life.

I have allowed myself to make mistakes, fear judgment, question my assumptions. I wanted freedom, but doubted it. I wanted health, but believed it was a difficult journey. When in fact, life is simple and joyful, only we stand on our way to happiness.

When you change how you look at things, their effect on you changes as well. It was not just the relationship with food I have altered, but relationships with people, practices, habits of thoughts as well:

• Accepting emotions, vulnerabilities, and shortcomings.

• Mindfully crafting my thoughts from the moment of waking up. Observing them. Questioning, even mocking.
• Befriending nature. Getting to know it. Respecting it. Diving in it. Attention Restoration Theory holds that nature restores concentration and heals mental fatigue. When interacting with green environment, our depleted attention, energy get replenished.
• Meditation makes you happier.
• Yoga. Pilates.
• Intentional breathwork to reset my nervous system.
• Cold showers.
• Daily gratitude. Take your mind off things that may go wrong, and appreciate those which are beautiful, and which we usually take for granted. Feelings of gratitude directly activate brain regions associated with the neurotransmitter dopamine. It has a huge influence on your metabolism and stress levels.

These are just tools to quiet the mind and restore balance, but facing your emotion is crucial, and no further self-work can be done without it.

The first wealth is health.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Now I fit not in the frames of societal expectations, but the mindset of a happy and satisfied person. I have found my good-feeling place, not because of the diets I have gone through, although they played a crucial role in getting to the unconditional self-love attitude. I have found the sweet spot of minding my own business because I refuse to thwart my energy span on other people's opinions, unresolved traumas, and pettiness showing as resentment towards the world.

We all have limited focus on what we choose to care about. If we unconsciously give it away because of traffic on our way to work, a grumpy old lady in line, a stranger's comment that has nothing to do with us, but everything with how they see the world, then we will end up in a bottomless pit of resentment, frustration, and lack of energy to take ownership of our lives. When you give too many fucks about one aspect, you have very or none left to exercise responsibility and powerful reactions on the most important fronts of your life.

Your external looks have no bearing on your self-worth.

Your value constitutes what kind of service you offer to the world. The kind of thoughts you muse over when you are alone in your head.

How easily can you forgive.

With what capacity you have the courage to love.

How you treat yourself.

How you treat smaller than you.

I dare you to love yourself for who you are, your shape and sizes, what values determine your perspective. Your uniqueness is unmatched. Claim it as your powerhouse.

Self-love journey is not an overnight success, but with determination, a dash of humility, and faith in yourself, every day you can get one step closer to self-acceptance and bettering the quality of your life.