Feelings

since childhood as far back as I can remember, I was always different. I always felt like I was different from the other girls within my family. I always sensed things. I have always felt things. I have always been outspoken. Not that I was a “fast gal”, or “ grown” per say, I just “knew” things that average children didn’t. I can remember the adults always saying that I talked too much or that I spoke on things that I knew nothing about. I didn’t know then what I know now so the truth is that I didn’t know what I was saying because I was too young to understand. The truth is that as a child I was dreaming of events and situations that were occurring in the real world, in the adult world. I was feeling energies that I knew nothing about. I was sensing and feeling the emotions of the people around me, my family, adults included. I would speak on these things, not knowing what it was all about but instead of being embraced, or being sat down and talked to about it, I was always shushed. Funny thing is, I’ve always sensed that one of my aunts had known. I sensed that this same ain’t was like me or that I was a lot like her but because of family religion and traditions, it was never spoken about. It was always pushed under the rug. I was shushed so much till where I became afraid of dreaming. I was afraid of the emotions and energies that I sensed around me. I was never taught about what I was experiencing. This placed fear within me of my own self to the point of I began to try my hardest to cut off these feelings, senses, and dreams. It went away for a while but then came back stronger in my late teens to a point where I had a break down which triggered anxiety attacks. I started doing things that I thought was decrompressing my anxiety attacks, senses, feelings, and dreams. Things that I knew that I wasn’t supposed to do as a teen such as drinking, attempting to smoke marijuana, going out to clubs and having sex, anything to block the real me that was beating at my heart and soul. I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because in my head, the reality was that nobody wanted to hear about weird witchcraft or evilness, nobody knew or understood about what I needed to express in order to feel relief, if I tell anyone they will look at me crazy. I just kept keeping it to myself and trying to shut it off. I still would have dreams of past, future, and present events. I could still feel the presence coming or going of people that I was close to. I could still feel certain people’s presence in certain locations. I could still feel negative energy on people when I’m in a room with them or walking past. I could still feel other people’s emotions without them speaking a word. I could still feel and sense other people’s intentions, character, and lifestyle just by their presence without them speaking a word, or just by speaking with them over the phone. This happened with not only people that I loved, but strangers as well. I became drawn to certain people’s presence. Some people I started to meet, I had already saw them in a past dream. I remember one of my closest friends beginning to drift away from me. I felt something wrong with my friend. I felt his illness to a point where the thought of his name gave me a sock feeling in my stomach. The thought of his name shook my spirit. I knew it was coming. Death was on him but we never spoke about it. Within months of me sensing all of this, I received a call that my bestest friend was in Critical Condition. I felt even more sick because why did I feel this coming. I waited until the last minute to visit my friend because I had already felt the outcome of his fate and it wasn’t to our liking. I was so confused. “Did he know that he was sick?”, “why wouldn’t he tell me?”, “maybe I should’ve told him what I sensed.” But as close as we were, I don’t think he ever had a clue that I had visions, feelings and senses so how could I have told him without him thinking that I was crazy. My friend’s death was so hard for me to process and one reason I think that is, is because I had already felt it. I felt like it was my fault because there had to have been some way for me to save him if I already knew that it was coming. I suffered major depression and anxiety from going back and forth with myself about what I had known and did nothing about. I tried shutting off my senses once again but it still hadn’t went away to the point of me having more vivid dreams. Feeling people’s presence. Something in me was guiding me to places that I would have never gone before but sideml I chose to follow the path of my spirit.

-KOC-