Deciding to Live

On January 25, 2021, I slipped and fell in bathroom before a shower. Apparently I laid there for three days before someone found me. No memory of any of it.

According to doctors, I was barely breathing. I was almost immediately placed on a respirator. Acute pneumonia, kidney failure, and renal failure. During this time, I went from a healthy 182lbs to 138.5lbs.

Kind of sounds like a “times up” moment honestly. I had no memory of any of the above. And I don't drink nor do drugs and have led a clean life.

I began to gain awareness in an unfamiliar hospital room. I couldn't walk. I was fed intravenously. None of my personal belongings were anywhere to be found. No smartphone, clothes, friends, or anyone who could provide definitive information on where I was, or what happened.

I had to learn to navigate without full use of my legs. They are slowly getting stronger. For now, a walker and wheelchair*

*update: after much effort, I can now walk without walker.

So I am grateful to be alive. Next week, the hospital is finally releasing me.

I collapsed in the shower. I hadn’t been seen or heard from for days. Police responding to a called-in wellness check by concerned friends discovered me laying on the cold bathroom floor, rigid and barely breathing.

There was a rare bacteria they discovered in my blood work. My kidneys stopped working properly. I was in renal failure, and contracted pneumonia. I was placed on a ventilator to help me breathe. My muscles atrophied greatly in a very short time so I went from a healthy and normal 188 lbs to a flyweight 138 lbs.

I’ve been fed intravenously and placed in a wheelchair and under bed rest with the inability to talk, being on a respirator and unconscious for days.

When they took me to the hospital, none of my personal effects were taken. So I lived without a wallet, phone, keys, money

Before getting ill, I was strong as an ox with no health problems at all. I was healthy until I wasn’t. Since then, I’ve been stuck in a wheelchair and under bed rest with the inability to talk, walk, or eat.

Today I’m walking around, the feeding tubes have been removed, I’m slowly gaining weight, restoring my voice, and I’m eating again.

So I’ll just say it: this has been a life changing experience for me. In the midst of being incredibly ill and having organs dangerously close to shutting down, I also experienced an NDE (near death experience) a few weeks ago. And I’m still trying to process it but I haven’t yet.

As a habit, I tend to minimalize things that could draw undue attention my way. So I found myself at times pretending that everything was fine and dandy to my friends and family. I worked hard to attempt to show some semblance of normal.

Thing is, life lately feels anything but normal. Everything, to me, feels very different now. It’s a really odd sensation.

I’ve tried talking about it to my loved ones. Only a couple got it. My experience is admittedly an uncomfortable subject to many folks however. I noticed myself holding back and instead taking care of their discomfort around it rather than asking for what I may need around it myself.

Many times I just had to surrender that people in general are only able to meet others to the extent that they’ve met themselves. Still, it would’ve been really nice to have had some deep conversations to get some closure on this.

One thing is certain: I am very grateful to be alive. And I will never view my mortality the same again or anything else for that matter. I probably will have to surrender that I may never fully understand this fully.

I’ve been given a second chance. If that’s not humbling, I unsure what is. I am grateful for my life, for my friends and loved ones. Yet I’m a bit perplexed at what exactly I’m supposed to do with all this new information. Things that I thought really mattered to me really don’t. Just being very honest.

On top of everything aforementioned, this six week slice out of my earning potential is next to mind numbing to me financially. I’ve actually made myself not think about it while I’ve been healing. Now it’s front and center. Some love would help. Thanks.

I am to be released from the hospital this Wednesday (Saint Patrick’s Day) which is a good thing. I’ll also be walking into over six weeks of unpaid bills, lost income, unopened mail, expired tags and insurance, etc. I’ve resisted asking but I am open for help from anyone who feels guided and moved to donate.

It’s never easy to ask for help - at least for me. But if you are in a position to help with a small donation to help me get back on my feet again after such a devastating and life changing experience, I’m open to it and it could really make a difference. While I may still go with gofundme, for now I’m keeping it simple.

Send any donations to help with costs via Venmo: @Frederick-Russ

Send any written communication to me at: [email protected]

Thank you.