Conquering My Fears

Fear is one of the most challenging and heaviest moments in my journey.

Anxiety has always been hard for me these days.

Fear is when I sense danger or trouble.

My anxiety believes that the danger is real.

Fear and anxiety are one of the worst things that have haunted me for so long since childhood.

Fear is what my anxiety feels like intensely, inside and out.

Fear is how it triggers me from the past; and then, my anxiety comes back.

Fear is very painful and anxiety is always scary.

You may be familiar with the wounds and pain that I shared in my previous writings.

What am I afraid of? And why? I have always been afraid of -

• Dangerous situations
• getting judged/shamed by others

• getting attacked/hurt by someone(physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually)
• germs, bacteria, and viruses(including rabies and COVID)
• Bigotry

• Being unheard, rejected, forgotten, left out, divided, abandoned, and excluded
• Making worst mistakes

• Losing someone if I were scared, angry, jealous, or overwhelmed

• Red wasps

• Giant hornets

• Meeting new people(or making new friends)
• Bad things are happening in real life
• Mean/hateful people
• Someone thinks I'm fake or a fraud
• Failure

Those things can be very toxic and negative that can also manifest and contribute to my fear, especially anything is scary and stressful.

What are my worst habits due to my anxiety?

• Easily distracted
• Difficult to speak
• Feeling stiff or shaky
• Biting/picking my nails
• Picking/scratching my skin
• Difficult to sleep/rest
• Racing heartbeat
• A bit sweaty
• Difficult to focus/concentrate
• Hard to breath
• Repeating intrusive thoughts

It's never been so easy to deal with anxiety. Yes, fear is a major triggering reaction! I have to pay attention to when something is not right.

I get so many “what ifs” every time anything or something happens to me or anyone close to me.

Does my fear stand against me every day? including goals and dreams? Yes! It's still very challenging. It's always been hard. I know I should never take it too personally no matter what triggered me and I have to keep reminding myself about it. I still have to keep strengthening my awareness and ability to identify the causes of my pain that have been leading to my anxiety.

I have to let it out!

I am still scared, and that's ok.

I have to keep breathing as much as I can- one, two, three. It can at least either a minute, five minutes or more.

I have to permit myself to stay calm, cautious, and curious. I have to keep myself settled down in a comfortable and quiet area until I am very calm and then my anxiety will go low. I can use a blanket(or a cover), a pillow, a stuffed animal, or even snuggle with my cat, Kiki. I have to keep reassuring and comforting myself. I should never give up. I should never let it define me because of my flaws, pain, and wounds. I should never be ashamed of myself. I have to keep conquering my fears. I still have to keep overcoming it as well. It can be exposure therapy, meditation, DBT/CBT skills, walking, napping/resting, smell with amazing scents from lavender, eucalyptus mint, or tea tree, and listening to the rest music that calms my anxiety. I know I am not an outcast. I can not run away from it. I should never turn away from myself and others. I should never hide even if my feelings are still difficult for being honest and open what am I afraid of. I have to allow myself to show my pain. I still need support. I can still use my voice. I have to take the courage. It takes time. It does not have to be the big steps. Take baby, small steps-one step at a time. I understand that self-love is always important no matter what difficult things I have. I know it's still not easy no matter what my progress is. It's ok if I am not ready right now, even I need something to require including my voice.

I got this.

Resources/References

• Gray, Katie.(2021). “Journey of the Empowered Heart”. ‘Wound.’ page 25-39. Katie Gray.
• Gray, Katie.(2021). “Journey of the Empowered Heart”. ‘Pain.’ page 40-54. Katie Gray.
• Gray, Katie.(2021). “Journey of the Empowered Heart”. ‘Need.’ page 56-71. Katie Gray.
• Pysch2Go [YouTube Channel] March 11th, 2020; “7 Common Fears Not Phobias!” from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbDugeEDW2w