The #1 Skill Needed to Assemble That “Free Shipping” Furniture on TV Ads

TV ads trick and deceive you. Maybe not directly. More by omission. As in when the famous singer shows you her new chair, table, couch, or moveable island that she received for FREE SHIPPING, she doesn’t exactly tell you that it didn’t arrive at her door in the condition we are seeing.

No, no. That’s a false assumption we make because we’re so taken by the stellar design of the furniture.

Joan is here, as usual, to tell you the hidden TRUTH.

You may recall from my most recent article —Moving is NOT for OLD People- 5 Tips to Keep You Sane if You Must Move After the Age of 65 — that I moved into a new Independent Living Villa. I did mention that my previous abode was furnished, so when the movers dropped me and my 65 boxes of household items off into the two-bedroom, two-bath villa, it was empty. Except for the mattress and box spring that was scheduled to be delivered the day of the move, two lounge chairs, two TVs, five snack tables, and one bridge table with four chairs, I had no furniture. Not even a lamp.

The next day, after my Internet was hooked up and my laptop perched on my bridge table, I got to work perusing all the furniture sites. Pages and pages of furniture in my taste (modern/traditional), but most surprisingly, far less expensive than I had thought. I went into a buying frenzy. An entertainment center for my den TV; a buffet that would fit perfectly in my living room and matched the colors in my ottoman (that I bought in a package from Rooms to Go that delivers fully assembled furniture); a set of bar stools for my counter that also matched one of the ottoman colors; a desk for my office.

Now, there’s a catch to the inexpensive prices and free delivery. Did you doubt it? The catch, regardless of the company, is that FREE DELIVERY means that it is dropped at your front door. No matter how much it weighs, it’s up to you to figure out how to get the box into the house.

Except in the case of the buffet box that was left leaning against a TREE at the CURB, where my mailbox is. All 94 lbs. of it. The maintenance staff had gone home. My neighbors are older and in worse shape than me, so I dragged that damn box inch by inch by inch across the driveway into my garage.

Okay, so all the boxes are now in my house, and here comes catch Number Two. Each box has at least 100 pieces in it. Who is going to put these jigsaw puzzles together? That’s where the fine print that I ignored comes into play. Each company listed “expert assembly by our staff” on the payment page. After I saw that the price for that “expert assembly” was the same or almost the same as the item itself, I decided against that option. Woe was me for that hasty decision.

I hired a handyman to unpack boxes and assemble the desk. It cost me $200 for him to unpack three-quarters of my boxes and assemble the $109 desk. It took him five hours to unpack, put away, and assemble. My friends seem to think $200 was a bargain. I’m still mulling over that one. The bottom line is that I couldn’t do it myself, so I had to pay the asking price.

The woman who drives me to errands volunteered her husband to assemble my entertainment center. She said he LOVES doing those types of projects and he would do it for FREE. It took him three-and-a-half hours and my undying gratitude.

“Oh, oh, save something for me to put together. I LOVE doing that kind of thing,” said the voice on the phone. “You HAVE to be kidding,” I said to my oldest and dearest friend.

She proceeded to tell me how she had assembled every piece of furniture she had bought from Ikea, Wayfair, and every other store whose CEO’s take evil pleasure from torturing customers with 100+ piece jigsaw puzzles disguised as furniture parts. She couldn’t wait to put together the buffet I had purchased for the living room in my new villa.

True to her word, she drove two hours up from Miami the following Sunday morning. The project took her two hours and 45 minutes. She truly appeared to enjoy every minute of it.

That left the stools. After watching each of my “assemblers” very carefully while they worked, I was sure I could do the stools myself. Four legs and four cross bars. How hard could it be? I noted exactly how each of them attacked the project.

The one constant in each of their methodologies was PATIENCE. An abundance of which I sorely lack, by the way. But that seemed to be the secret of their success. They carefully, patiently, and meticulously laid out each furniture part, and each nut, bolt, and screw. They counted and checked and rechecked to make sure every piece that should have been included was included.

They read the directions and followed them slowly, patiently, and carefully, one at a time.

PATIENCE, not carpentry expertise, is the Number One skill needed to successfully assemble the myriad of pieces designed by the evil minds of furniture company CEOs. PATIENCE.

Knowing I possess almost none of that valuable skill, I was still determined to assemble those stools myself.

I did exactly what I had seen my three different assemblers do. I laid out each furniture piece, nut, bolt, washer, and screw. I carefully matched everything to the pictures in the directions. Fifteen minutes into the project, I was getting antsy when it took more than three turns to screw in an extra long screw, but I persisted. In a mere three-quarters of an hour, I FINISHED IT!

Yes, yes, I realize that my stool project of four legs and four cross bars doesn’t compare to the complexity of the entertainment center, desk, or buffet, but hey, I DID IT MYSELF. I’m giving myself plenty of back pats for this accomplishment regardless of its simplicity.

So here are your choices relative to the “FREE SHIPPING” furniture that arrives in hundreds of pieces with hundreds more screws, nuts, and bolts:

• Pay almost double the price for your furniture by opting for the company’s “expert assembly”.

• Negotiate a better “assembly” price with someone who has the experience to do the job.

• Look for friends who LOVE assembly projects and will do it for free.

• Put on your PATIENCE hat and DIY- Do it yourself!

And that, dear readers, is the final word on the FREE SHIPPING furniture. I aim to please. Good luck.

Originally published in the Medium Publication, Crow's Feet.

© Copyright 2022 Joan Gershman