Snake in Your Garage? A Simple Hack for Getting Rid of It.

Since everyone seemed to enjoy reading about the frogs in my toilet misadventure, I figured you would appreciate the snake story.

It’s the weather. My late husband and I moved to Florida because of the weather. You can take just so many New England winters of ice, snow, and sub-zero temperatures before something must give. And so, in 2006, we retired to Florida.

Majestic sandhill cranes with their tiny, red furry babies following behind,

prancing through our backyard; adorable duck families swimming in the canal next to our house; white long-billed egrets surrounding our front yard. It was lovely and peaceful to live among the wildlife.

The occasional alligator in the canal alongside our house respected our boundaries and never ventured onto the land that led straight to our unscreened cement patio.

Fast forward a few years, and as you read in the frog story, I was now a widow, living alone in a first-floor condo.

With my frog problem solved, I was going about my business, not giving much thought to Florida creatures, when one day I went into my garage (through the inside door near the kitchen) to get some toilet paper (pre-pandemic hoarding days) when I thought I saw something move in the corner near the automatic garage door.

Like the idiot teens in those slasher movies, who always go toward, not away, from the noise, I tip-toed to where I thought I saw the movement. Oh Crap! Curled up next to the garage door was a big, long, black SNAKE. And it was moving. It lifted its head, attached to its looong body, and lunged. Yeah, lunged. At me.

You thought I was hysterical when I saw a frog in my toilet? You thought I was too old to run? This old lady ran like the proverbial “bat out of Hell” toward the door leading back into the house. Not imagining that the snake could have moved fast enough to catch up to me, before opening the door, I turned to see…the snake, not 5 feet away from me, long body “standing” at full attention, head lunging and hissing.

I grabbed a nearby can of Raid (No, I’m not stupid enough to think that Raid will kill a snake. I thought it would stun it and make it slither away. Well, maybe I’m a little stupid for entertaining such a notion.) I sprayed that snake full in the face. And sprayed some more.

I’m here to tell you that snakes are not fond of being sprayed in the face with Raid. It does not make them cower in fear and slither away. It makes them ANGRY. Very, very angry. Angry snakes lunge and hiss more than they did before they were sprayed in the face with Raid.

I opened the door to the house, ran inside, slammed it shut, shaking uncontrollably, and reminded myself why it’s better to live in Florida than the ice, snow, and freezing temperatures of Boston.

Once I calmed down, I booted up my computer and Googled black snakes. After seeing a picture of “my” snake, I read that it was non-poisonous and environmentally friendly, meaning it would eat rats. Oh, nice, well, I’ll just keep that snake around to eat the next creatures that make an appearance in my house — rats.

What was I going to do now? I needed a plan, better than the one forming in my head of never entering the garage again.

Because I am so short, I have a supply of “reacher grabbers” in every room of my house to aid in the retrieval of items stored above the first shelf of everything.

Although I considered the idea disgusting and frightening, it occurred to me that was the answer to my snake problem. If I could “reach” the snake with the long arm of the “grabber”, and pinch it with the end of the arm, I could throw it outside, hopefully far from my house.

Where the nerve was going to come from to accomplish this feat was questionable, but I was desperate.

Steps involved in the GREAT FLORIDA GARAGE SNAKE REMOVAL:

1. Carefully open the house-to-garage door and peek in the garage to make sure no snake is standing and hissing at you.

2. Hit the remote button to open the garage door to the driveway.

3. Arm yourself with a “reacher-grabber”.

4. Carefully walk around the garage, snake hunting.

5. FIND the snake — thankfully curled up and sleeping next to the open garage door.

6. Gingerly reach out with the “reacher-grabber”, and PINCH. GOT HIM!

7. Oh, oh, oh, that snake is long and wiggly, and doesn’t like being pinched.

8. Hurl that snake outside of the garage while releasing the pincher.

9. SUCCESS! The snake is in the driveway.

I ran back to the door to the house, hit the garage door remote, and ran into the house, repeating, “Florida doesn’t have ice and snow. Florida doesn’t have sub-zero temperatures. Florida has lovely weather.” Florida doesn’t have ice, snow, and sub-zero temperatures. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Let me know in the comments if you would like me to tell the cockroach story.

Originally published in Boomers, Bitches, and Babes Medium Publication

©Copyright 2022 Joan Gershman