I Sit Down When I Pee

As we look into the rearview mirror of time and watch the previous decade fade into history, we look to the road ahead, and with the virtue of hindsight, may be fit to wonder what it was that culturally defined the 'teensies', and more importantly, what it is that we should have in the trailer towing behind us, to bring into the new decade [discard car analogy here]. There are many fit answers to this question, but one obvious one may be that which is best summarised as the MeToo movement. Men have been put on notice in a very real and public way, for all the blunder and bluster with which they move through the world. From the grotesque to the mildly annoying, male-centric behaviour has appropriately been put under review, and I, a fellow man, would politely like to submit my own gripe to be put under review here also. And that is the idea that has cultivated within our culture that men and boys ought to stand up when they pee. In the following paragraphs I will be outlining two key arguments in advocation for a sitting down urination protocol, with sanitation and basic courtesy as the prime and most important reason, and comfort as its secondary.

Sanitation & Courtesy

Millions of years of evolution has endowed humanity with many incredible attributes with survival as its core crucible, but a straight and true shooting penis is not one of these. Having the capacity to aim a steady and predictable stream of urine it turns out is not as instrumental to our survival as a species as one may think, and it shows. Most of us will be more or less familiar with the awkward crumple of flesh at the tip of the penis known as the foreskin. A seemingly loosely designed feature of the penis highly incongruent with an easy-use no mess piece, not to mention the fact that almost every penis has had a lifetime of incessant tugging and jerking inflicted on it, making for a less then symmetrically positioned instrument. My point is that if you ever meet a guy claiming he doesn't occasionally get his piss peppered all over the floor, toilet seat and surrounding area, politely find your way to the nearest public mens restroom and see how well that rings true. I'm quite happy to grant to the opposing side of this debate that 8 times out of ten, the average penis manages to perform quite well. However I also know far too well the sporadic tendency for a penis to adopt the temperament of something between a garden hose and a wacky wailing inflatable arm flailing tube man. The point is, as much as other guys won't admit this, I almost always see the evidence to the contrary later pollocked across the bathroom floor.

Comfort

This second argument requires far less reasoning yet there are still a few caveats worth noting here. That is mainly that sitting down for a pee is simply a nice and relaxing way to take a break, with no need to aim and with none of the risks associated with a harsh and unpredictable stream. I also cannot stress enough, that everything that I've stated here applies strictly within the context of using a toilet. I have no desire to walk into a public restroom to find lines of men squatting awkwardly into urinals, or to deprive men of the privilege of being able to take a care-free hands-free urinate in the woods as nature intended it.

The fact is, and the thing that really annoys me about this behaviour when I really think about it, is the fact that the real reason us guys feel so inclined to pee standing up, and feel so opposed to the idea of sitting down, is the fact that we simply don't want to appear feminine. Like a lot of things we have newly come to term as 'toxic masculinity', peeing sitting down is avoided almost entirely because we are afraid of some other guy calling us a girl or a pussy. But if being a clean and courteous human being is considered feminine, then this is me embracing my feminine side, and I can sleep soundly knowing my partner can use our toilet free of the possibility of getting my urine on her. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for when we have a shower together, but this is an argument for another time.

-H