What's Happening To Me?

There are things going on with me. I’m not certain what they all are, only that they exist in abundance. I feel that if they don’t stop something in my mind and/or my body may harden forever because it’s so tight. Even if they harden into diamonds, I’m not sure I will want that.

It’s been difficult for me to write lately. I don’t want to stop writing, even temporarily. I love to write! I’m still writing in my journal. Not writing here and on my creative projects bothers me. When I don’t write anything for several days it’s as if my world has been ripped off its moorings and let out to sea to be lost forever. But the difficulty I’ve been having is why you haven’t seen much from me the last few months.

I’ve needed a change-up. I’ve needed to shore up my creativity with different types of art. I’ve had a little burnout and am in need of some type of regeneration to provide a boost back into my “normal” world.

Any kind of creativity feeds my writing practice and projects. For most of my life, my creativity has been like a hungry ghost. (In the Buddhist tradition, a hungry ghost cannot be fed enough to get solace or a feeling of fullness. It’s so hungry it suffers from, even more, continual hunger to replace negative thoughts and feelings.) Though I can’t say I’ve had a lifetime of negative thoughts and feelings. Certainly, I’ve had anxiety and some depression.

This has had an effect on my ability to sleep and has made some of my chronic pain worse, but only because I’ve been stressed about it. Well, no more. My foot has been put down.

I’ve been painting with watercolor and learning to draw/sketch the last few months. Thirty-five years ago I was an avid painter but I stopped. I’m not going to go into why; it doesn’t matter. Painting and drawing have helped me feel good about my creativity again, as well as remind me that I am still creative.

I want to be a better sketcher and painter. I want this different medium to reveal something to me about who I am. The better I get, the more I will know about myself. My heart is begging for the revelation that can be experienced through getting better at expressing my creativity in a different way. I don’t know if that will happen, but I feel like I’m trying to find something out that is underneath “it all.”

I wonder if I’ve stifled my creativity by trying so hard to be helpful when writing articles, which have had to be researched even if a little. As interesting to me as the topics I write about are, it’s still work to be done. I’m good with work and, as far as work goes, it’s some of the best, most interesting work I can do! And being helpful in this way feeds my heart’s purpose.

Maybe what I really need is better balance. I have been busy with everything I’m obligated to do. I was with my mother for four weeks, which was good, and have since needed to work outside my desires, by working for two different companies to make up lost income from COVID-19. I am more tired than normal.

I don’t know how to remedy all of this, but I will continue to write to you. I thank you for reading what I post. The basic content will stay the same, but I will try being more personal in what I share.

If you enjoy my content and wish to help me recover from the financial disaster created by COVID, please feel free to give me a tip or sponsor me. Any help is greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Julie