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Sabotage

Never be disappointed

By Merjaunie LenaPublished about a month ago 3 min read
Top Story - April 2024
19
Sabotage
Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash

Lately I’ve been in a funk where everything can be going right. You know I’m in a happy place talking to who knows, I’m at peace and feel like everything is just going great you know. But once I start seeing that everything is going great for some reason I need to sabotage it. I need to sabotage my happiness and what I have going on in my life so no one else is able to do it for me. Does that make sense? Am I the only one who gets this way?

I’ve been so used to when things go right in my life something happens. Most of the time it’s because of someone else that ruins it for me. So now when things feel almost perfect I ruin it for myself so no one else can disappoint me first. I do it first so no one else can hurt me. I guess being hurt so much just makes you think okay so things are great so what’s going to happen next. What can I possibly expect now since I’m happy, and my initial instinct is disappointment. That’s all I’ve ever had in my life, and that’s why I’m so acostomed to that feeling now. I expect the worse to come along when things feel great. Because that’s all anyone has ever shown me as sad as that is to say it’s the truth.

Ruin my own happiness before anyone can do it, I leave first before someone decides to leave me. I cannot even start to tell you how I try to see the good in people I talk to, but the smallest thing ever can turn me away and I will completely back off. Why? Because I cannot trust anyone anymore. Because I don’t want to give anyone that power to disappoint me anymore. I think if I do it first I’ll be fine because I’m doing it. But I know at the end of the day I’m hurting someone else by pushing them away. But I’d rather hurt them before they can hurt me. That’s what being traumatized by “ love “ does to someone. You can only take so much until you finally give up on it. I’m at the point where I give up on it, because I’ve only ever experienced was cruel love. Nothing pure and genuine, not once. There was always something that blindsided me, always another person, another lie, another something. Maybe I’m not meant to be with anyone and I’m okay with that. But for now I will have my wall up and block people out. As much as I don’t want to, I’d rather protect my heart because my heart is something so pure when it comes to loving someone else, and I’d be damned to let anyone play with that again.

As someone who loves the feeling of being loved by someone, I cannot fathom letting someone get close to me again. This is what happens when you mess with a girls heart. You traumatize them into thinking everyone is just going to hurt them. I know everyone says “ not everyone is the same “ and that’s what I used to think, until I was proved wrong. I gave one two many chances, and it got me no where both times. I’d rather be alone and sabotage myself than to let someone else have that power over me and my peace of mind. I’ll protect my peace that took me so long to regain I’m talking about years to regain. Because nobody is worth destroying your own sanity for.

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About the Creator

Merjaunie Lena

I write to express, and clear my head, it's my therapy.

It's not perfect, but nothing is

Being able to vent without a filter is the best way to go.

I am not a professional writer

Check it out 👇🏻

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Comments (11)

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  • Esala Gunathilake13 days ago

    Congrats on the TS.

  • Belle23 days ago

    Congrats on top story!

  • Anna 29 days ago

    Congrats on Top Story!🥳🥳🥳

  • Krysta Dawnabout a month ago

    Being disappointed and hurt by someone I spent almost two decades loving, I've decided to stop sabotaging my life for fear of getting hurt. I realized the pain they were causing had tainted everything else in my life. Now, I'm focusing on taking chances on myself versus others, especially as I heal. It's hard with depression, but it's a journey well worth taking.

  • I. R. Pathakabout a month ago

    To be worthy of someone's trust is hard, maintaining trust is harder and staying trustworthy ever is the hardest. I agree with you never allow others to sabotage you.

  • real Jemaabout a month ago

    Have you ever experienced a similar struggle with self-sabotage in your pursuit of happiness

  • The Writer about a month ago

    Congratulations 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

  • Margaret Brennanabout a month ago

    congratulations on TS. I know how you feel. It seems as soon as I think my "luck" is running great, I do something and it all goes south! I don't intend to ruin everything but bad luck clings to me like plastic wrap!

  • D. D. Leeabout a month ago

    Loving and being loved are two of the most challenging things we do and experience in life. What you’re going through, will indeed get better. It will take you developing a level of discernment for the people you let in your life, and even more so for the ones you decide to get really close. Self sabotage is a result of things in your life that have been left broken and you unhealed. Fix them and heal yourself, you’ll be better for it. Healing is where you’ll find discernment because from a place of healing you’ll be better able to identify those that mean you no good. You’ll also fortify yourself by knowing your worth so choices that people make are their own and not your fault if you aren’t at fault. I hope you love again; it’s the most wonderful thing in this life. Congrats on Top Story!

  • Andrea Corwin about a month ago

    Yeah, expectations will do it: "Because I don’t want to give anyone that power to disappoint me anymore." It is hard to NOT live with expectations....but try again, just select well.

  • Alex H Mittelman about a month ago

    Very well written! Hope you find love again! ❤️♥️🖤💙💜

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