Sabotage

Lately I’ve been in a funk where everything can be going right. You know I’m in a happy place talking to who knows, I’m at peace and feel like everything is just going great you know. But once I start seeing that everything is going great for some reason I need to sabotage it. I need to sabotage my happiness and what I have going on in my life so no one else is able to do it for me. Does that make sense? Am I the only one who gets this way?

I’ve been so used to when things go right in my life something happens. Most of the time it’s because of someone else that ruins it for me. So now when things feel almost perfect I ruin it for myself so no one else can disappoint me first. I do it first so no one else can hurt me. I guess being hurt so much just makes you think okay so things are great so what’s going to happen next. What can I possibly expect now since I’m happy, and my initial instinct is disappointment. That’s all I’ve ever had in my life, and that’s why I’m so acostomed to that feeling now. I expect the worse to come along when things feel great. Because that’s all anyone has ever shown me as sad as that is to say it’s the truth.

Ruin my own happiness before anyone can do it, I leave first before someone decides to leave me. I cannot even start to tell you how I try to see the good in people I talk to, but the smallest thing ever can turn me away and I will completely back off. Why? Because I cannot trust anyone anymore. Because I don’t want to give anyone that power to disappoint me anymore. I think if I do it first I’ll be fine because I’m doing it. But I know at the end of the day I’m hurting someone else by pushing them away. But I’d rather hurt them before they can hurt me. That’s what being traumatized by “ love “ does to someone. You can only take so much until you finally give up on it. I’m at the point where I give up on it, because I’ve only ever experienced was cruel love. Nothing pure and genuine, not once. There was always something that blindsided me, always another person, another lie, another something. Maybe I’m not meant to be with anyone and I’m okay with that. But for now I will have my wall up and block people out. As much as I don’t want to, I’d rather protect my heart because my heart is something so pure when it comes to loving someone else, and I’d be damned to let anyone play with that again.

As someone who loves the feeling of being loved by someone, I cannot fathom letting someone get close to me again. This is what happens when you mess with a girls heart. You traumatize them into thinking everyone is just going to hurt them. I know everyone says “ not everyone is the same “ and that’s what I used to think, until I was proved wrong. I gave one two many chances, and it got me no where both times. I’d rather be alone and sabotage myself than to let someone else have that power over me and my peace of mind. I’ll protect my peace that took me so long to regain I’m talking about years to regain. Because nobody is worth destroying your own sanity for.