I would run as a little boy into my closet with my pillow in hand. I didn't want anyone else to hear the screams of the little boy who seemed to be happy. To everyone else he was the oldest, always smiling and didn't meet a stranger. On the inside though he was afraid, he was alone and he was different. I would run to my closet with my pillow in hand screaming to God "FIX ME...CHANGE ME...I don't want to be this way". I felt sick, I felt disgusting and imagine a little boy 6 or 7 already hating himself because what he carried he felt made him an abomination. They say God loves us all and he does. For a time I used to think that Gods love applied to everyone else but me. If he loved me so much why did he make me so flawed? Why did he make me gay? Why did I stutter? Why did I have a gap people made fun of? Why was my family broken? Why did I feel so alone when there were so many people and other kids around me? In my closet I would just let it out. I couldn't tell anyone what I was feeling. I couldn't run and talk to someone who could explain what I was? I had to do it all alone. I had to lock myself in a box buried deep within my self in order to create a version of me that wasn't broken. I would pick things I liked about people from movies and books and made them my personality. I hated who I was so I became someone else. A better version on me. One people liked but I didn't. One people loved but I couldn't. One that girls wanted but I wouldn't let them. I was a fraud. A kid going through all this turmoil but no one even knew. I hid it so well that I even started to believe that I was okay. That God had healed me. Until I kissed a boy. I kissed a boy and my world shattered. It was like the inside of me was scratching it's way out. I had never felt more myself in that moment. They way he felt and held me. I felt seen. I didn't feel alone. I felt heard and understood. I slowly began to opne the closet door this time and not take the pillow with me but pull the little who was in there out. I started to like him. I started to understand him and see that in this world being different is okay. Those who are different are leaders and become people who chnage the world. Our differences make us who we are, our stories show others the way to redemption. I didn't have a role model in my story so in growing up I had to look in the mirror and become my own. Now, 27 years old and on my journey I believe I understand why God made me this way. The road had been hard on this walk reflecting I've understood that this life leads to a deeper conviction of self. My gay walk has shown me the beauty of the world but it has also taken me into my darkest moments. I look in the mirror today and don't see a gay man. I see a man with a troubled past who was running from himself with no guidance. When I was in my darkest hour, called saw me under a fig tree and called me by name and he said that I wasn't my problems and that I wasn't broken. That I was to be used to bring others out of darkness and into the light. Now when I go bakc to my closet I see that it was all intricately designed to turn out that way.
I continue to walk and fall but I am a new creature. Not walking by sight but my faith as a once blind man.