Help Me

I'm about to share something funny. I recently joined a club that provides comfort to people. After expressing my interest in joining the group to the leader of the club, I was asked a few interview questions so that they can determine my background and things like that. On my first day of joining the club, one of the core members of the club walked up to me, out of nowhere, and starts asking very personal questions. Questions like; do I want to get married now, my age, and some other personal questions of which I cannot remember.

At first I thought that maybe he is just trying to get familiar with me but I was wrong. As time went on, I would occasionally catch him staring at me, or making comments that are not straightforward. There was this one time that he asked if he could speak to me in parables and I said no problem, but he didn't. In my head, I tried to put two and two together and I discovered that maybe he liked me. Of course he liked me. He once asked about my boyfriend and I tried to change the question because I was scared that he was going to confess feelings towards me, plus I'm shy. You know!

He is average male height, and dark skinned. He speaks very well, though I could never get his sense of humor. I have always wondered why he would never just come direct even though I'm scared and I don't want to hear it but I would appreciate the straightforwardness. Now the thing is, he is someone that I respect, as one of the leaders of the club, but I'm not attracted to him and that is why I always try to avoid serious conversations with him because my answer or response might not be what he wants to hear and I would hate to make someone feel sad emotionally. Nothing is wrong with him but you can't force these things, can you?

He is good-looking however, he is the regular, male kind of good-looking and nothing more or extra. You know how nowadays, guys are becoming more invested in their looks, he's not one of those kinds of guys. Judging by the things that I have seen so far, I can say that he has a relationship with God, so he checks that box. I really can't say if he is gentle because we're not that close, also, I don't know how he reacts when he is really angry. Maybe if I knew, it would help me make an informed decision but for now, I feel nothing but respect for him.

The Twist

Yesterday in the evening, we had our usual meeting and this time around, he looked different than before, in terms of his outfit and all. He looked so good and to be honest, my jaw is dropping right now as I write because I can remember exactly what he looked like. That image of him is still fresh in my memory. He came very late and he came with a girl. I couldn't concentrate during the meeting because I was trying to ease drop on the conversation that he was having with his friends. My heart beat became very irregular, almost as if I was sad emotionally. Now, what could be the cause?

Help me! After the meeting, I heard that the girl is his wife to be. OK! Somebody hold me before I faint! Wife to be, from where, I thought he liked me. When I heard it, I said "aww that's a good thing" but in my head, I had a million questions. It was like I was jealous but not jealous, I don't even know if envy is the right word. I mean, if I acknowledge that I don't like him, then why should I be feeling all these emotional ups and downs. It's giving toxic. Toxic in the sense that, I don't like him, but I don't want him to be happy (be with another girl). Why? Is there a name or a term for what I'm feeling right now? First of all, I think I'm being delusional, what if he never really liked me, what if all of this has been nothing but imaginations in my head. The funny thing is, if he was to approach me now and express his feelings, my answer would still be no.