Thinking about Roles I've played

I was thinking about all the characters I've seen in shows or read about in books and how archtypes do define us whether we know about them or not. There are many roles for us to play in a lifetime. We begin as someone's child, then when we are considered "grown up" or "adult" we take on other roles, sometimes big and sometimes small. Like a bagger in a grocery store is a small role, yet that doesn't mean the bagger is not an adult. Just not a super powered Boss in a stressful management position. I think the bagger role, even if it's considered small, is more like what I want to be about in this phase or stage of my life. I'm 52 and big responsibility seems to me too much stress that I don't want to spend whatever energy I have on. I'm usually good at coming up with ideas for businesses or those with money and ambition. I wish I could just be an advisor that could sell my ideas instead of being envious about not making money because I can't lead or create the enterprise. Regardless, I know that there have been many archtypes that have not only influenced my life, but that my life has emulated.

With some men, they tend to see themselves in a line of types like Alpha, Beta, and Sig. With women, it's really not much different, except that women seem to resent or feel uncomfortable about such descriptions. I don't, not really. Everyone would like to think of themselves as the top dog or top whatever really, but I know that I am not. I have always been very honest about what I am and what I can do or can't do. Yet this honesty seems to be annoying to some folks who wish to defy the basic truth about such matters. They are philosophers of the "mind-over-matter" way and although I know that they are not wrong to think of such things, I am also not wrong to know what is true about me.

I have played various roles in my life. I have been the dutiful daughter and wife. Those were very large roles and taught me a lot about trust and obedience. I also was blessed for a short time to play the role of mother. That role taught me how love can break a heart and how life can destroy a dream. I say this not to dissuade people from having children, but once you've had your heart broken in that way, there is nothing anyone can say to fix it or make it "okay" again. We, those who know about that broken heart, do not look at children the way that most people who don't understand us look at children. Is that an archtype? Is it a villain because we don't wear the normal perception? If so, we, this type of villain would not even be able to acknowledge that it's villainous, because we feel like the victims.

I did for a short time (in the early 90s) get to play the role of single woman in America. I didn't enjoy it as much as I should have because I was raised by a woman who only ever embraced the wife/mother role. Because she was my main example of "life" I did not think that I could be happy playing another role. I was supposed to be just like her, or so I thought. She could not understand why I wasn't happy when I had everything. I could not understand why she thought that I should be happy when I thought she had everything. It has taken me 30 years and playing many other roles to finally understand why we couldn't understand each other back at that point. The cliche goes "You don't know what you've got until it's gone" but I think it's better expressed by saying it this way: "When you're in the problem, it's easy to see the solution for someone else, but not for yourself." Still, I wish I could advise myself as well as I advise others.

So what archtypes are left for me to play? I do not have grandchildren so that role is not available. I do not have a typical marriage, so typical "Wife" is not really available, and my weird style of playing a wife is sometimes received with love and sometimes only tolerated. "Mother" role is still there sort of on the sidelines, as my son has grown up and there really isn't any mothering to do anymore. He's probably better at life than I ever was. I really just don't know what to do with myself anymore and so I think of that bagger at the grocery shop. Such a simple task. Such a simple role. I could do that. I could do that and be happy at doing something well. Well, I don't know if I can obtain the job or role, but it sure would be nice to find a niche, or a little purpose or routine in my life. Going from day to day without any form to this life is such a weighty and confusing way to live. I don't like that. I like routine and a defined role for myself. I think most men would agree with me and I'm not sure about women. I'm not the kind of Libertine who thinks that life should just "happen" without any kind of map or guideline. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin living that way. That's not me.