Life not according to plan

Prepare yourself for a woe is me rant. I complain a lot about a lot of stupid things. I do consider myself a grateful and tolerant person (most of the time) but I think most people think that I complain too much. I can't help myself. I'm not really the type of person to whine or cry about pain or hardship on a daily basis. I usually suck it up, sweat or bleed, and complain about it harshly as I try to get through it.

Today I feel like "whining" or "playing my sad violin song" however you want to phrase it. My story used to be much sadder than it is today, but I still have some sadness that I want to get off my chest.

There were hard times that I yelled about violently in the past and down the road it came to my enlightenment that the things that I thought were horrible injustices ended up being alright. Sometimes it took a long time for the 'alright' part to happen, or for me to see it that way, but later on down the road the big picture made it clear to me that the "tragedy" I was wailing about perhaps wasn't as bad as I had thought it was.

Today my sadness has to do with my small picture, not the big picture. When I think about my life and the dreams that I had and still have, I'm not satisfied. Some dreams came true, but in a half-assed kinda way. For example, I wanted to be a college graduate. That dream came true for me twice in 1998 and in 2001. Yet, the rewards for the debt I incrued were not satisfying nor did they come close to the vision of external and intrinsic rewards that I had imagined as I was obtaining my higher education. Disappointment was not something that was taught in one of my textbooks.

Another dream I had was to be a mother. That dream also came true in 1997. This "motherhood" dream has been the most bittersweet aspect of my life as me. The greatest love I have for someone else besides myself was also the love that caused me the most despair. I do not regret being a mother, however I do regret the choices that I made during the time that I had a baby. I should not have done anything else besides being a mother while I was a mother. Some people will not agree with me about this, but they will never be able to change my mind. The regret I feel about the first five years of my son's life is a permanent emotional scar on my soul.

Another dream I had was to get married. That dream also came true for me in in 2011. It wasn't a Cinderella story. It was more like Beauty and the Beast, except that my "beast" (hubby) wasn't rich in a magnificent castle. My beast was just a normal guy with a complicated history who was just trying to survive the hardships of the new millennium. Marraige was disappointing. The honeymoon phase (the first two years) was sweet and romantic, but as the years went on the relationship got harder and harder to deal with. We did not have children together so we had to keep finding what we still had in common and sadly, most of the time the only thing we had left in common was our deep consideration for money and the economy. For some reason, I just don't think that's very romantic, unless you're Cinderella who gets to marry a very wealthy man. My husband and I have very little in common. We don't like the same food. We don't like the same hobbies. We don't have the same skills. We don't like the same people. We do like the same music most of the time, but our taste in other areas of entertainment is usually different. That's why I tell people who are going on a first date to go to a comedy club. If you laugh at the same jokes, you might be able to go the distance. If you can't laugh at the same jokes, you might as well just put the notch in the bedpost and move on. I'm not a big fan of marriage. It was written for men, by men, and doesn't do a damn thing for women, unless they want to be a mother. For a mother who marries properly, at least they stand a chance at ensuring a brighter future for their children. If you don't want to be a mother, don't get married. All you will find is disappointment.

My final dreams had to do with being successful in some form of "career" or in the business world. This is the only dream that has not and can not break my heart. I can lose and fail every day at this endeavor and I keep on trying and keep on going. It's personal, but the win or lose of this is only me. I don't have to feel guilty about it. I didn't cause anyone any pain if I didn't make a profit, or if I didn't invent something new and desirable. It's not so disappointing to be called a "Loser" as it hurts to be a called "a bad mother" or a "second class wife" or something like that. This is the dream that lives regardless of any definition of success. I will keep on keeping on with this dream regardless how my ideas get labelled.

Life has been mostly good to me. I was raised by a good and loving family. I had the opportunity for education and I seized it. I had the opportunity to be a mother and I did my best. I had the chance to become a wife, and I tried. Could it have all been done better, probably. Do I have regrets about trying those dreams? No. I only regret the time that I wasted not realizing that I was living the dream when I was. Living in the past or the future too much is always a recipe for regret.

I'm not 100% happy today. I have some good days and some hard days and some sad days; but I believe that as I turn 52 this month I am doing better than I've ever done. It might not look that way to others, but what do they know? They are not me, so they can't decide that for me.

I always want to improve myself and my life. I always want to be the best me that I can be. Curiosity is a great source of motivation. I am not a dream killer. If you have a dream, I will cheerlead for you but I will also show you the caution signs. Being prepared is better (in my opinion) than being shocked by disappointment. Disillusionment is difficult to recover from.

Hope is a good thing. Without hope, motivation would be lost forever. Progress is not just making something new or better. Progress is knowing what is best for you and the world.

I have improved.